thejourney

It's weird, the longer I am removed from my chapter 1, and the more honest I am with myself, the more I question my first marriage. There was good for sure, and we had a long history and a positive start for many years. But there were a lot of problems in the later years - I knew the problems were there, but I ignored them for my sanity. Now those problems are getting in the way of ch2. I am paranoid that I will be trapped in another ambivalent marriage with little sex, lots or responsibility and financial stress that I don't have now. It very much taints how I am engaging in my new relationship and ultimately impacts the quality of ch2 as I put up tests and barriers that do not go unnoticed. But now what - can I admit there were problems publicly in any way? Never speak ill of the dead they say. And I don't want to, but what if something comes up. Ch1 is elevated in stature, which further impacts ch2 as we are in my old 'hood and ch2 struggles with her own ego destroying background - additional scrutiny doesn't help. It is my old people and ch1's old people so comparisons happen and they aren't true since nobody knows the real story - our problems stayed hidden. I don't want to knock down ch1, and especially don't want to say anything negative that my kids would hear. But it makes life now harder for sure. Divorce is easier - it is okay to not like your ex. You split up your friends and move on. And I struggle with the guilt - what do I do with the wedding photos???? Ch2 sure doesn't want to see them. They are in a box in the basement. How can I move forward with Ch2 if I am keeping old pictures - but what if ch2 doesn't work out? Those old pictures are part of my life too, but it seems odd to celebrate a past relationship in front of the current one. Life is easier as a guy - I can ignore the past and don't get upset (very often) about old flames. But she doesn't have pictures of them either. I will stop typing now, this is getting too long and random.

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At the risk of being chastised on this board , I will offer a male opinion! First - It is VERY wrong to speak with an employee like that and wrong to speak to an 18 year old girl like that. So many things wrong with it and frankly, opens him up for a lawsuit. I would not ever go there, but that is just the dumb kind of thing that could cost him his job IMO. As for the term - it is a compliment but loaded for sure. I would simply take it as the compliment - people notice you and think you are attractive. And with an 18 year old daughter, that is something to be proud of. If it were reversed, I would be thrilled to be called a FILF. For some reason, that never seems to come up.

The past is the past, right? I was cleaning out some files and found some old pictures. I stopped to look through them. I am really starting to think it is a bad idea to look at old pictures - its just a downer. Looking at pics of DW and my son, it just reminds me of what he has lost. I can deal with my own grief, but dealing with his is not easy. I have pretty much ignored the past for 3 years - move forward, don't look back. It is what it is, let's do the best we can. And that has worked to get us through, but .... am I missing something? Should I be doing more to help my kids remember Mom? We talk about her sometimes, but they don't really want to reminisce and I am not sure if I should push the point - I figure the likely outcome will be to make them sad and miss their Mom when today they seem to have moved beyond grieving.

Does anyone have weird dreams? I am 3 years out and I have gone through a series of dream types - very clear meaning most of the time. I rarely dreamt before loss, but I go through periods now where I dream night after night. at first, my dreams were abandonment - DW was leaving me in a variety of ways - having an affair, moving out, generally leaving. Those morphed over time and as I started seeing Ch2, they became dreams of guilt. DW was not really dead and came back and just showed up in the kitchen with a lame excuse for being away for a month - now what do I do?? I have ch2 and DW. DW would put me on the spot and force me to choose. I wanted to choose Ch2, but chose DW in my dreams when they first happened back a year ago - maybe out of a sense of 'doing the right thing' or maybe plain old guilt. So now my relationship with Ch2 is better than it has ever been and the dreams are back. In the dream, I want to move on with Ch2 but I feel terribly guilty about it. And I no longer choose DW, but I wake before facing the consequences with DW . Does anyone else have this kind of dream? or this kind of guilt??? These are things I can only share here - I prefer Ch2. I was happy with Ch1, but now that I have experienced something different, I see a new world. But I could never say that to anyone - friends nor family. I feel I can say it here in a safe zone. But boy oh boy, even just typing this comes with a heaping load of guilt !

I agree with Sunshine. The kids need to move on - there is no long term relationship here. They are old enough to hear the truth - the guy is a jerk (we are not all btw) and if they knew what kind of person he is, they should be happy to run away!

I am finding sex is a lot more important in a Ch 2 relationship than it was in Ch 1 ... I can come up with all kinds of psychological theories about that but I will hold off for now. But how important is sex for you? What matters looking forward? how would you rank different priorities in a new relationship? what are you looking for in a long term relationship? where does 'friendship; sit? what about support - supporting you in your work? in your hobbies/extracurricular/volunteer? family focus? money? Do they need to have money or income? what about baggage - how much do you weigh negative baggage ? do you want someone with the same interests - easy, right. But what about different interests pushing us outside our comfort zone and helping us to see the broader world. and so on ....

Just when I think I have fully moved on. I was actually going to post two days ago about how I thought I was ready to move on at one point, but now I realize, I was not ready then. I was feeling so confident and good that NOW I am fully healed. By all outward signs, I am great. in a good long term relationship with Chapter 2 and moving forward towards blending with a person I love very much and think about constantly. Busy at work. Dealing with day to day with kids. Life moves on, right? I don't know if it is because I am still getting used to the new norms in my life, but odd things give me an adrenaline spike. When Ch2 says things that are critical of others (as we all do), I am way oversensitive. I react different when my own kids make the same critical comments. When Ch2 kids do certain things i am not used to, I spike and am not sure if I should try to correct them or simply let it go and live with it. When ch2 has a bad day or is tired, it stresses me out in a way i am simply not used to. I have 'friends' that don't seem as keen for me to move on as I am. they have been disruptive. Now, everything is loaded. When we go to a party, we are both highly stressed about seeing those friends. If I see a post on Facebook they like, it causes instant stress. I worry every day about running into these people, especially with Ch2 at my side. I have chosen sides, I pick me and chapter 2, but that doesn't seem to make the stress go away. There is a lot of baggage as we have wasted much good time arguing about my 'friends' and I have capitulated as I see now they are not really on board. But the baggage that comes from all those discussions doesn't go away. and they are huge triggers for both of us. I am thrilled with Chapter 2. Far exceeds my expectations in so many ways. So why do all these things throw me for a loop?

Has anyone found a good discussion board for blended families? (like this one). Any resources you would recommend?

Tough situation and I think it's great that you are understanding and trying to help. Here is something that worked for me ( though I was not quite as extreme as you describe). It is two parts. First, agree to a weekend away and tell him it will be a chance to disconnect. He really has to want to. He asked how to do it, now you can find out if he is sincere about wanting to disconnect. You need to find a cabin or cottage somewhere with no wireless access. In the woods, or mountains or on an island. Part two is he needs a backup. I get why he feels the need to respond. He can get someone to cover for him, and he promises to return the favour. If he doesn't have a backup it will be hard to agree to the trip. I did the no connection thing unintentionally years ago and it was a pretty significant event for me. I was more relaxed after two days than I had been on any vacation in the previous ten years. His response to the weekend should give you a sense of whether he can ever chill or not. And then you will at least know what you are signing up for. Hope this works if you try it. Good luck.

:-\ man this second life is hard. I have been lucky. I am engaged to a great woman. Smart, interesting, pretty, supportive, helps me,in my career, and she loves me. But I have been having second thoughts. I keep thinking it is just cold feet and will go away. But so far, nope. I feel guilty when I am away from my kids (ie. With her). We have moved too fast to meet her timeline and it freaks me out. We have had some challenges with my friends that have created baggage in our relationship that won't seem to go away. It just feels like it should be easier but am I being unrealistic? We have days and weeks that are crazy good. Then we spend an entire day in distress. Not so much fighting as disagreeing and dealing with some of her emotional baggage and my response to that. I have not,done the dating scene so I have no comparison point. I feel like its wrong to look for,'better'. There may be better, but I should be happy. And if we break up, she will be devastated. I don't think people can have a good relationship without compromise . But I am terrified I will wake up unhappy one day. Or even just that I will continue to doubt my relationship for years. I want so bad to be all in. I know that would be best for us. but something is holding me back.

Would love to say this to some people - their reaction would be hilarious.

I am really appreciating this subject as it is very relevant for me. CH2 has had a real hard time with my world - it is a combination of both the reality that she faces being with a widow, and her own reaction to that reality. I think she over reacts and is far too sensitive, but that is easy for me to say since I am not the one on the receiving end of the negative reception. I find it interesting that people are not happy with me for moving on 'too quickly' in their opinion but take it out on her. as for the 'too quickly' part, those in glass houses .... until you walk in our shoes, you cannot know what it is like. I may start another post about this, but sometimes it feels like moving away from my community and friends and tearing my kids away from that may actually be the only solution. just so much history every where you go.

Thanks Mike. Seven years in - good for you! Would love to hear more. It sounds like you are both widowed .... in my case, my Ch.2 is divorced so 'step' is a mandatory part of the program. Not sure if the divorce/widow is an added challenge or just something different.

I am moving towards a blended scenario but very nervous about it. The more I read and hear, the more it sounds like such a difficult thing to do. Would love to hear what challenges people have experienced when blending, and how you overcame those challenges. I am thinking about all kinds of things - the kids, family and friends, money decisions, etc.

I agree (hope) they will come around with time. Unfortunately, in the mean time, they are causing great difficulty in my relationship. Chapter 2 is having a real hard time with the 'if they don't like me its their loss' kind of thinking. She takes it very personally due to some unfortunate experience in her background. I wish this path was easier!

And why can't people let go? I cannot seem to understand why a small group of DW friends seems to prefer that I stay alone. Many of my friends have been great and supportive, but this one subset seems bent on staying in the past. They are very subtle, and don't approach me. And they would say to my face that they support me and are happy for me. But their actions when I am not in the room suggest otherwise. I hear through the grapevine small things they say about how they don't want to know my new partner, how they will never like her - but they have not met her! Their backroom comments and some less subtle direct 'attacks' that happened early in my chapter two have caused a lot of damage to our relationship. My new partner is a few years younger, thinner, etc. Someone suggested that is the problem - that the friends would not want their husband to be with someone like my new partner. Those are not the only reasons I am with Chapter two. A great bonus, but there is way more to it than that of course. Seems odd to me, but I guess people would care less if Chapter 2 was a less appealing option????

So I found an old Anniversary card that I had given to DW. Even though I am in a committed relationship with Chapter two, I kept the card exactly where I found it. I have never been one to throw stuff out generally, but discarding things like this seems somehow wrong. I don't know why I would save it, but I am hesitant to get rid of these things because of the permanency of doing so. What have you done?

My chapter two is great - we get along almost all the time. She is a lot of fun but can also be serious. She is a great sounding board for me and offers great advice. She is incredibly attractive and the sex is very good. We have talked about and are planning our future together. So WHAT is my problem? She is occasionally prone to depression. When she gets depressed, she gets defensive and critical and says things that put me completely off guard and are out of synch with what I consider to be my values. It is a defensive mechanism, I know that, but it still upsets me. It doesn't last long, usually only a few days and then all is good again. Oh what to do? We are committed to each other, but this is a burden that I am leery of taking on.

So true! It doesn't matter what we do, it will be right or wrong in someone's view. Everyone has an opinion on our decisions - or at least we think they do. Maybe they don't but it sure feels that way

I have this great person that hits so many of the 'check boxes' that I would want in a new partner. On good days, it is great, really great! But whenever she brings up any topic about moving forward with a more real commitment, my entire body churns with stress. We are in a committed relationship, I have said all the right things and intend to move forward and want to move forward. But when we talk about actually setting a date, internally I flip out. I keep thinking time will make it better. and when I think logically, it all makes sense to totally commit. But any actual movement causes a big emotional reaction and I start thinking about all of the potential problems with blending and how I would live life on my own and with my kids. Has this happened to anyone else? Did you get through it? I don't know if this is just about me or related to my loss or about us?

I am relieved to see this string and everyone's comments, thanks for posting TFO. So often on this board, I hear about how great chapter two is about chapter one and supportive and understanding. I think it is easier when both are members of the widda club - a mutual understanding. But for me, Chapter two is Divorced and has her own baggage. I try very hard not to include Chapter 1 in my new life - but sometimes that feels unnatural and I worry that my kids may be missing out because I am not celebrating their Mom enough. It is just nice to know that other people are also holding back sometimes. thank you!

I am experiencing similar feelings in chapter two. I doubt myself all the time. Am I making the right decision. Could it be better, Should it be better, Would I be better simply on my own and without all the 'hassles' that come with a relationship;. On the other hand, I don't want to lose the benefits of a relationship and I keep thinking 'this is pretty good and will get better, it will evolve'. It is not as great as it was at first, but I put that off to the excitement of the initial dating stage and the inevitable calming that will happen with every relationship. So, here is my thinking - you may be struggling with whether this is good enough because you had such a great first relationship. My first relationship was very good, but in retrospect I have realized areas that were not so good. In large part, that has been because I now have a comparison that shows me a different and better relationship (in some ways, worse in others). For me, my doubting lights up every time I see behaviours or attitudes that were a drain in chapter one. (kind of a "oh no, I don't want that again" sort of feeling). Then other times, I am totally on board and we are spending the rest of our life together. wow - I am all over the place and probably not very helpful. But I bet you can relate . Good luck. it is a VERY hard decision.

... Thought I was the only one! This brings a lot of guilt, and for me interferes with Chapter two since I have so far refused to publicly acclaim this. I am much too worried about 'what the neighbours think'. Are you publicly talking about how lucky you are (in a relative sense of course). what is the reaction??? How would your Husband react if you said you would pick LH. I know my Chapter two would not be happy playing 2nd to DW.