Do I give a second chance to an old friend?

[Trying]

One of my closest friend lost her DH 8 years before I lost mine.  We were like family to her and her 3 kids.  My DH was her go to guy for all household stuff, I was there for all of her tough days and beyond.  We never abandoned her.  We always included her and her kids.  Over those 8 years our relationship was 80% about her which I no problem with because I felt blessed.  I made too many excuses for her poor choices because I "felt sorry for her".  The last 2 years before DH died she started to spiral out of control, drinking too much, DUIs and one bad choice after another.  She hit her rock bottom right when DH died, said some extremely hurtful things to me, had her kids taken away, another DUI, multiple rehab attempts.

 

She is home and has her kids back and seems to be doing well.  I met her for lunch Friday for the first time.  I have hardened my heart to her these past 2 years and expected to see the same woman, just sober, and I would be able to put the friendship behind me once and for all.  Instead, she was very calm and peaceful, she owned up to many of her mistakes for the first time and apologized to me.  I was overcome with emotion that I wasn't expecting.  She should've been there for me.  I had no one except my mom who had any idea what I was going through and here my closest friend was a widow and wasn't there to support me.  I know her problems had nothing to do with me and that she wasn't capable of being there for me but why did she have to pick the first time I needed her, to be when she fell apart?

 

All of my logic and reason went out the window and I felt like a sad, hurt child, being selfish about how her problems effected me.

 

Now I don't know what to do going forward.  Do I try to be her friend again? I lost my best friend and my husband in the same week, how do I forgive someone that caused me that kind of pain? 

[Guest TooSoon]

Forgiveness is such an important part of this journey for me - forgiveness of myself, forgiveness of others, forgiveness of the universe that has diseases called GBM that steal dads away from little girls.  Without it, how can we have peace?  We are all such fragile, imperfect humans. 

 

There is a way to forgive but also keep some boundaries in place, keep some distance, so that you do not get hurt again.  This is how I deal with my mother.  I forgive her but I also keep her at arm's length so she can't hurt me anymore. 

 

[Abitlost]

That's a tough one. It sounds like she has made positive changes in her life, but of course that doesn't erase the pain she caused you. Still, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps seeing what you went through brought back all her own early-day grief? I agree with TooSoon and if you proceed with letting her back in to guard yourself and your heart. Perhaps in time the barriers would come down but if you re-establish a relationship I would make sure you set firm boundaries.

 

abl

[Sugarbell]

Ok...from a recovering addicts view....(Even though I never had legal trouble my one close friend who knew...was still there for me but it took time)

 

Yes...you should forgive her...but keep your guard up and be cautious. I had to really earn back trust from my family, neighbors and my one friend who knew...the first 6 months seemed like a probationary period. It didn't happen overnight. I had to prove myself and my commitment to being clean. After about 18 months...it was almost back to the way it was before. Your relationship may get back to where it was....or it may never. Depends on Individual circumstances.

 

My one friend who knew (and I was stealing pills out of her medicine cabinet) and I are now as close as ever. But I proved myself. I attended her kids weddings, bridal showers, graduation parties...I proved that I was now there for her. I stop by weekly checking on her...giving her clothes from my daughter to her 4 year old granddaughter.

 

But she was nice in the beginning....but kept her distance in the beginning and I don't blame her. My family did too.

 

Noe I have to remind them that I am in recovery (especially my family they want to pretend those years never happened)... it's tough to stay clean/sober...But it can be done. But many unfortunately do fall off the wagon the first year...so I would forgive but keep up boundaries. If she relapses you don't want drug into that emotional roller coaster trust me.

[Trying]

SB, you have always been so generous in sharing your story about such a difficult time in your life.  I think about where you are now and I hope that my friend is able to sustain healthy changes in the way you have.  I really want the best for her and especially for her kids.

 

I feel so selfish, her problems had absolutely nothing to do with me, the things she said and did to me were not about me.  logically I get that, but emotionally I'm right back to 2 years ago when my world was turned upside down and she wasn't there. I haven't been so weepy in while.

[BrokenHeart2]

Trying, maybe it's not about you in her perspective but about her.  Maybe she didn't feel able or strong enough to help you and needed to protect her recovery. This is a tough road for all of us and her too.  Maybe she feels awful for not being strong enough to be there for you.  Don't forget, you had DH there when she lost hers.  Not trying to be mean or nasty just trying to state the fact as you told it. 

I know how painful it is to have the ones you thought would support you in our time of despair to feel so abandoned is utterly disgraceful.

Hugs to you Trying.

[Carey]

I lost my best friend the same week as my husband too. I just sat here and asked myself if she walked up to me today could I be her friend.  I have been so hard hearted to here for 2 years almost, I don't know if I could. She didn't have the "excuse" of widowhood and addiction she was just plain selfish.  But I can't see myself sitting down to lunch with her. The fact that you were able to do even that much tells me that you still have feelings for the her, and the relationship that once was.  And I think you see now after some time of widowhood yourself what it felt like.  When addicted people face tragedy the addiction becomes their crutch.  She probably didn't want that for herself even then.  She probably didn't want to be that way but it was all she knew. And now she is trying to change and grow so I'd give her a chance. I'd be guarded and careful but I would certainly try.  You never know, it may come back stronger and better now that you are both widows.

[mmg19]

This is a difficult situation for you.  Reading your post brought thoughts to my mind.  Just as recovery is a process so is forgiveness.  Perhaps her admitting and facing her actions, behaviors, and addiction as well as wanting your forgiveness is part of her recovery.  Your emotions speak from your heart and are part of your recovery in forgiving.  Building back the trust will take time and precautions on your part if you want to resume the relationship on any level. 

 

How far you want to go with the relationship is entirely up to you.  I believe in forgiveness and the peace that comes with it.  Recognize also that she is harboring a lot of guilt and consequences of her bad choices and maybe trying to make positive changes in her recovery.  Your relationship with her has a long history and maybe it can be salvaged and maybe not.  Either way forgiveness  on your part will be good for your healing and moving forward.  ((Hugs))