To those who have "recovered"

[Sugarbell]

Ok...I know we are never the same...but this is for those a little further out..who have rebuilt, started a new life, etc. May have a significant other..may not...But have recovered from loss in their own way.

 

Do you now have a need for order? Meaning...I can't stand clutter...I want things in my house in certain spots...things looking clean, fresh, alive, etc. I was not this way before widowhood. It also may be compounded but recovering from pills too...but I think the widow aspect plays a part in it.

 

All of that is good...being clutter free etc. But mine has gotten more and more almost neurotic. I have 3 kids, work shuffle them every night.  The house is bound to get messy, etc. They honestly now do help me out. But since I got home this evening I have been going non stop. Like I can't relax and watch TV if anything needs done. So it's been nonstop with my kids helping me.

 

I am not normally an anxious person at all....But I am working if this sense of "order, new, alive, clean"... Is my anxiety that if I keep things in the right place, etc...I won't suffer a loss again... or it's a control thing or something??

 

Like I can't sleep if I know Sonething else needs done. This was never my personality before.

 

Anyone gone through this? Or do these things?

[Portside]

 

Do you now have a need for order? Meaning...I can't stand clutter...I want things in my house in certain spots...things looking clean, fresh, alive, etc. I was not this way before widowhood. It also may be compounded but recovering from pills too...but I think the widow aspect plays a part in it.

 

. . . . . or it's a control thing or something??

 

Like I can't sleep if I know Sonething else needs done. This was never my personality before.

 

 

Have you been peeking in the windows at my place SB? 

 

Yeah, I'm with you on this one Sister. I was always 'neat' but not a cleanfreak by any stretch of the imagination. But now, keep moving or I'll haul you out to the garbage barrel. I am always asking my long-suffering wife "What is this? Do we need to keep it?" etc.

 

I don't lose sleep over it but messiness does cause me a bit of anxiety now. Definitely a change from 'before'. 

 

Mike

[anniegirl]

A need for order?

 

No.

 

Order was something that dominated my life in the caregiving and early widowhood stages because it was necessary but I dumped that as soon as I could because it was exhausting.

 

I do find though that I loathe having too much whether it is stuff or obligations, there is an overload point now that I don't recall previously. I like simple. I like less. I like unhurried and calm. I think this is not related to widowhood though as much as age. I am at the age known as "too old for this shit" and my only lament is that I didn't get here sooner.

 

I try to not sweat things because usually the worst thing that could happen if something is out of place, not finished or late is pretty much nothing. Or something fairly close to nothing.

 

In terms of habits that developed in the run up to or following widowhood, it seems to me that they aren't random. They were a response to something. If a habit is hanging on, maybe it is still responding to something and once you figure out what it is - you can let it go.

 

 

[Catnip]

Yes, I like clean and order. That, to me, gets rid of stress.

 

Actually, right now, I'm on the computer because it's Saturday, I just mopped the floors and I'm waiting for them to dry. I've found that if I don't clean the house every weekend (I work full time), it just gets dirtier and I'm the one that has to clean it anyway. I still have 2 sons at home, but we all work. My one son will do the vacuuming for me, because that kills my back.

 

I just did on-line banking,too. That, too causes me stress. If I don't do it the minute a bill comes in, I panic that the computer won't be working when I need it, or that I'll die and I'll have bills to pay. Yup, that's what happened to me when my husband died. He worked in computers over 20 years and did all the bills on line. He died and I didn't even know the passwords to get into the computer. I'll never let that happen to my kids. They now know how to do it if something happens to me.

 

I, too, have to finish stuff each night before bed. The kitchen has to be clean and house picked up before I can sleep.

 

Floors are almost dry. Both bathrooms are clean. Laundry is still going. Off to dust and windex, then I want to make an apple crisp for dessert tomorrow.

 

 

[mmg19]

When I went from working part time to working full time after becoming a widow, the house and cleaning started causing me stress.  Best thing for me was to become a minimalist.  Less is better with clothes, toys, gadgets, etc.  We all have some area that creates anxiety and for me it is closets and cabinets.  I have found myself getting up to clean kitchen sink because seeing it in the morning is harder to cope.  I tell myself the house is clean with a bit of organized clutter.  Works for me.

[Sugarbell]

Thanks for the responses...

 

I do think that working and now 3 school age kids..forces me to declutter and stay organized. I feel better, more in control. I still think its a control thing too. I hate clutter-I think it attracts negative energy and makes life chaotic.

 

But I can't stand walking in the house--and immediately going through it like cat on crack-picking up organizing for an hour before I am able to relax...Like we left this morning..as soon as I get home..I will work non stop I know for an hour. That's weird. I need to be able to let it go. But I can't relax...watch TV, hang with my kids or guy friend when I see stuff that needs done.

 

DH was an organizer and kept things running smoothly. But he also had lots of junk..clutter...

 

I think I am just so busy that I can't stand wasting 30 minutes...if I am home between work-games...those 30 minutes should be spent doing housework. --I try to cram in as much stuff as possible in every minute of the day.

 

Not really a bad thing...but its neurotic..OCD...Need to mellow out...

[SimiRed]

OCD, ADD.. I'm every letter of the alphabet.  I can not even sleep at night if there is one glass in the sink.  Somehow, someway, I think it is my way of being able to control something.  Since I was an Extreme caregiver for six years, then in a place where I was controlled... trying to control things on my own now has sky rocketed.  Anxiety, yep, panic attacks..yep.

 

I just have to remember : Every time I start obsessing or worrying about something, I need to re-focus, go for a walk, watch TV, read, etc.  I need to do anything/something that settles down the OCD.

 

 

[Quixote]

I've got sort of the opposite problem--  I have extreme difficulty doing basic chores like laundry.  Heck, I've run out and bought underwear rather than face it.  And the washer and dryer are about ten feet from my room and hamper.  Moving out of our old place into a shared house helped a bit, in the sense that I don't pile things (much) in the common area, but my truck and room are pure chaos.  I just have difficulty caring without my wife around. 

 

Funny thing, when she was alive, I was the neatnik.  She had this whole musician/creative person's clutter thing going on, piles of books she was reading everywhere, sheets of music strewn around in seriously non-Euclidean patterns, notes to self tucked into the most improbable places, etc.  And I'd be all "You know, I can't walk across the room without hopping."  Maybe I'm just being nostalgic for the mess.