"You're not alone, you're just by yourself"

[Trying]

This is what NG said to me last night when I was whining that I'm tired of being alone.  I am very grateful that I have found love again and with someone who is patient and kind and understanding of my unique situation.  I feel guilty that I'm having a pity party of sorts because things really have been going pretty well in most areas of my life lately.  I've made some positive life changes and my grief has settled into a more comfortable part of my being rather than controlling every minute of my day.  I will never stop missing DH, I will never stop hating that he isn't here for our kids to share in the good and difficult moments.  I just don't want to be alone any more.  I can't have DH back and I have this wonderful guy right in front of me.  Why should I have to be alone anymore?  The obvious answer is that my kids need more time and as a mom, they come first. 

 

For those who have made the big step to cohabitate or remarry, how did you know when the time was right to make the big leap?  What steps do you think helped to get you and your family ready? What was the most helpful thing you did?  What mistakes might you have made? Is there anything you wish you did differently?

[Abitlost]

You know I couldn't bridge that gap but I just want to say your NG is a keeper.

 

abl

[Guest TooSoon]

Im ok alone.  It sucks but I'm used to it now. I'd make that leap in an instant if we could reconcile our respective kid/professional situations but that is not to be right now.  So I breathe deeply and count the blessings or forces that brought love again into our lives.  If it is meant to be then it will be.  That's all I've got but I super get it.  xx

[serpico]

The obvious answer is that my kids need more time and as a mom, they come first.

 

This stuck out to me, as I've been struggling with it as well.  After thinking about it a long time, I'm not sure that my kids really should come first.  I know that was my prevailing thought when I became a widower, but I also know that my serious girlfriend who will likely be my wife within a year or so deserves a greater part of my time as my partner in life.

[Trying]

He really is a keeper and I'm not having to deal with long distance, I do count my blessings, most of the time, except when I get lonely.

 

Serpico, I am struggling like you.  Eventually my kids will have to get on board, or not.  NG deserves more of me, I deserve more too.  It's more about giving them time to adjust and maybe I tend to be more conservative than I should about these things.  My older two are coming around and things are much calmer and more positive lately but I would like to see the stability over a longer stretch of time before I breath easy.  My youngest is the most adaptable and even keeled but his life will be impacted the most because he is only 11 and NGs kids are 5 & 7 so they will live like brothers while the older 2 are off at college.

 

I'm torn between this feeling of urgency because I know how precious every minute is with someone you love and wanting to give my children as much time as they need because their world has been torn apart once already.

 

And Serpico, I'm so glad to hear things are going so well with your girlfriend!

[Sugarbell]

I do get this...even though it doesn't bother being being by myself..I kinda need it. But I know I am with a guy who would give me my space if we were living together or married-but we aren't there yet. Pretty much the same reasons as you. My kids like him and really wouldn't mind..as long as there lives went ahead as planned (but he doesn't have any young kids-so mine wouldn't have any adjusting)

 

Our thing is location..only an hour away..but my kids (and I am with them on this) do not want to go to school in his district and its in Ohio (sorry Ohio people..but some of those counties have weird districting)--He is willing to move up here eventually...but would have an hour commute (and he would give up his businesses, coaching and referee gigs-and I know he does love it)--So I wouldn't feel right asking him to move.

 

So I dunno what we are going to do. For the time being...enjoy the moment. But yeah...lately I am finding myself "needing more" and he is too.

[anniegirl]

When we decided to live together and marry, we just made plans and did it. We were careful to keep an eye on the kids but their trepidation was simply managed the way we would manage any other "kid" thing that came up whether it was "normal garden variety" or grief related.

 

You know your situation best but have you and NG ever sat down and brainstormed moving to the next level plans for real? Do you talk to your kids about the future, pointing out that it might be sooner than they realize and they have a role to play?

 

I know I am a minority opinion, but I don't think that waiting on kids to grow up and move on is the best plan when you are certain you've found love again.

[RobFTC]

You have kept the guy at quite a distance for quite a long time; sometimes I am surprised that he is still there for you.

 

Do you really think the kids are better off with a Mom who is denying herself things that would make her life better?  Do you really think the kids would not accept the guy, or that the churn would really hurt them?  Do you really think they will be more amenable to his presence in your life years from now?  I do know you have one child that is especially tough to deal with now.

 

I am coming up on five years, and I wish I were only alone in the way you are, instead of like I am.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[klim]

I also move very slowly in the" Getting together category"....no need to rush, you want to do it right.( nothing wrong with that).....BUt......

my NG is comittment phobic so this has not been an issue. But thinking about it, I actually wonder with your younger son whether he is perhaps more adaptable now than in a year or two from now.

I know I pay very close attention to my children but sometimes I don't know if I give them enough credit in their ability to adapt. Every time I think I do something that I think they are going to cringe at, they don't. They accept it.

When I first told them I was dating.....they took it in stride.

When I told them I was going on vacation with NG .....they took it in stride.

So I don't know what the answer is but just thought I share my point of view.

[Guest TooSoon]

The way I have dealt with my daughter (adp's kids are grown) is very matter of fact -ly. At first, I inoculated her.  I wanted to be sure the relationship would last before I brought him into her life; a little girl without a Daddy sees every man who looks like a Daddy as a potential Daddy and I needed to know we were in it for the long haul before I let her get attached to him.  But since then, I choose what makes the most sense for all of us.  If I had the option, we'd be living together like the little happy unit we are when we're together but that's not possible right now.  Of course it is important that your children understand and can weave NG into their life's narratives but your own happiness matters, too. 

 

My hyper-verbal 8 year old said to me, "You are a lot more fun when A is here."  That spoke volumes to me.  Be sure to tend to your own needs, too. 

[hachi]

My kids were a bit older. They were not ready for me to be involved with New Guy. Went from "oh, nice guy mom is seeing" to "oh, who is this guy who thinks he know what my mom needs, wants, has to complicate her life" back to "nice guy who loves my mom"...

 

I think that their grief is as complicated as ours. They struggle with the idea that anyone other than our DH can be a crucial part of our life. The  fact of the matter is, we all struggle. And if the relationship is a healthy one, eventually, everyone will get to the point, if they are honest, where they see that it is good for us to have love in our lives.

[Trying]

Rob, sometimes I am surprised he sticks around too, and I've asked him why.  We are just at the point where everyone is polite and able to share a meal.  Oldest who had been so difficult is doing better, can watch a football game on TV with NG and banter, middle son still doesn't really have a conversation with him but is polite and likes his kids.  That's part of the issue though, if he moves in he comes with 2 little kids 50% of the time. That's a major change in the dynamics of the house.  The TV shows, video games, humor and conversations would all have to change.  It feels so selfish to put my needs first but at the same time feels so unfair to NG to make him wait.

 

I hesitate to talk about this stuff here because I know I am very lucky to have found love again but no one in my real life understands the complexities.  My divorced friends only have their kids half the time and the kids get pissed, they spend more time with the other parent.  My kids have no escape option.

[anniegirl]

Little ones change the dynamics.

 

My daughter was four. Husband's girls were 22 and 24. But they are sisters now at 13, 30 and just 33.

 

And it was work for my husband to go from mostly empty nest to practically starting over.

 

It's doable. If it's what you really want.

[RobFTC]

It feels so selfish to put my needs first but at the same time feels so unfair to NG to make him wait.

 

Well, you're making yourself wait, too, right?  I am not sure whether you are waiting for you, your kids, or just because it all feels hard.  All are fine, though figuring it out might help you relax into the decision.

 

BTW, I don't like the tone of my prior reply, it should have been kinder.

 

Rob T

[Guest TooSoon]

I keep trying to sabotage my relationship, thinking I'd simply be better off alone.  I know this is lunacy but when I think of my child I do get tangled up.  Adp had his own life; its reality is very different from mine.  I worry about dragging him into my world when he (as a widower) should't have to relive it.  With that being said, I do think one must just jump at a certain point.  I would if there was a way. 

[Trying]

As always you are all a great sounding board and very open in sharing your own experiences.  I do need, at some point to just leap.  It's never going to be easy or the perfect time and right now, what I'm doing, is certainly not easy either.  I think I need to start talking to the kids about the direction I see this relationship going. I have such a hard time talking to them about what I want or need after 19 years of mothering and putting my needs on the back burner. I have to find that balance between taking care of them and taking care of myself and stop second guessing everything.

 

What I really want right now is my old life back with DH when everything was easier.

[Abitlost]

Rob, sometimes I am surprised he sticks around too, and I've asked him why.  We are just at the point where everyone is polite and able to share a meal.  Oldest who had been so difficult is doing better, can watch a football game on TV with NG and banter, middle son still doesn't really have a conversation with him but is polite and likes his kids.  That's part of the issue though, if he moves in he comes with 2 little kids 50% of the time. That's a major change in the dynamics of the house.  The TV shows, video games, humor and conversations would all have to change.  It feels so selfish to put my needs first but at the same time feels so unfair to NG to make him wait.

 

I hesitate to talk about this stuff here because I know I am very lucky to have found love again but no one in my real life understands the complexities.  My divorced friends only have their kids half the time and the kids get pissed, they spend more time with the other parent.  My kids have no escape option.

 

I shall dissent from the jump in/leap of faith position. First marriages have a 50% divorce rate. Second marriages, 67%. Third marriages 73%. My opinion is that a major contributor to the demise of second+ marriages is the complicated family dynamics when kids are born outside the new relationship.

 

From https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201202/the-high-failure-rate-second-and-third-marriages :

 

"Ironically, the presence of children in second and third marriages, if they are from previous marriages, can cause problems and lead to tension. Having to adjust to your spouse's children and his/her relationship with them is often difficult for couples. Inevitably rivalries and arguments arise, making this a constant area of conflict. In these cases the children can be a destabilizing factor in a second or third marriage."

 

Even if the marriage/partner relationship survived, for me, the adjustments inherently necessary for my kids to share me and their lives with step-siblings was too much to stomach. For me, the stability of my kids -- both emotional and physical -- and the solid relationship we maintain were not things I wished to jeopardize. So although my chapter 2 failed as a result and I suffered the loss of my relationship, I have solace in knowing I did not compromise my most important relationships (my kids) and that our relationship will always be intact.

 

abl

 

[RobFTC]

TooSoon, I hear you.  I save time by sabotaging relationships before they get started (half-joking).

 

Take care,

Rob T

[anniegirl]

Divorce stats are meaningless unless you drill them down by age, education level and income. There are a lot of factors in what contributes to long term success or not and the definition of what constitutes a successful marriage varies.

 

Children are a big factor in whether 2nd marriages thrive but I don't think it is luck when they do succeed or an accident when they don't. Kids don't act out in vacuum for no discernible reason. Nor do they step up and pitch in "just cuz".

 

Successful relationships - like failed ones - occur for many reasons, but successful ones, in my experience, are not left to chance. They were planned. Mom and Dad were on the same page. There was lots of communicating going on. Lots of honesty. Lots of reality checking and lots and lots of work - some of it hard and some of it just the normal being the parent thing.

 

Ultimately, we all find our own paths post widowhood. There is no one best destiny. It's individual.

 

 

[Abitlost]

Divorce stats are meaningless unless you drill them down by age, education level and income. There are a lot of factors in what contributes to long term success or not and the definition of what constitutes a successful marriage varies.

 

Children are a big factor in whether 2nd marriages thrive but I don't think it is luck when they do succeed or an accident when they don't. Kids don't act out in vacuum for no discernible reason. Nor do they step up and pitch in "just cuz".

 

Successful relationships - like failed ones - occur for many reasons, but successful ones, in my experience, are not left to chance. They were planned. Mom and Dad were on the same page. There was lots of communicating going on. Lots of honesty. Lots of reality checking and lots and lots of work - some of it hard and some of it just the normal being the parent thing.

 

Ultimately, we all find our own paths post widowhood. There is no one best destiny. It's individual.

 

I suspect the widow-widower divorce rate is lower than a widow/er-divorcee or two divorcees because the widow/er has a proven track record for a successful marriage. I also suspect some ages are easier to blend families, with younger having greater success. I agree neither luck nor accident lead to success or failure, but there are numerous variables including personalities to consider.

[Trying]

I think it's important to know the statistics so you work extra hard not to become one.  I am all about learning from other people's successes and mistakes, that's why I come to all of you for advice.  I think a blended family doesn't work without a lot of forethought, cooperation, and a united front. For me, that means thoughtful planning and lots of discussion.  I know I can't plan for and predict every pitfall or prevent our children from going through an adjustment period but overthinking is what I do. 

[Guest TooSoon]

I agree that communication is key.  It has astounded me more than once the way I have been able to open up and articulate what I am thinking and feeling to adp.  I never could have done that before and it still makes my skin crawl, but the stakes are much higher now. 

 

A thought: this summer we took a vacation.  Adp, his daughter, M and me on a two week road trip.  24/7 for 15 days.  We had a lot of fun but it was also a chance for all of us to get used to one another and to operate as a unit.  A few weeks later I went camping with adp and his two kids - camping. - for four days.  Close quarters, no showers, lots of free time on our hands just to hang out.  It was ridiculously fun but these situations have been important for normalizing and demystifying things - plenty of time to talk, just hang out, etc.  Maybe something like that could be a way to transition into something more family-like?  I don't know, just thinking out loud.