Son's addiction problems

[singinmomo4]

Since my husband's death 6 years ago, I've been all alone trying to deal with my oldest son's issues with addiction and immersion in drug culture.  Truth be told, Joe was messing around with drugs and alcohol before then but I think it got much worse after his father's death. 

 

My husband died November 2009.  Since then he's been in and out of trouble with the law, spent time in jail (is in jail now), I suspect has stolen money from his brother and I as well as stolen things from others in the past (again suspect).  His addictions and associations with others of addiction have brought heartache, stress, financial problems as well as fears for the safety of my family.  A year or so ago one person showed up at our door in a rage, trying to push in our door and scaring my younger children.  Just a couple weeks ago, while away on vacation our home was broken into and the only things that couldn't be replaced, my wedding rings and a necklace Rick brought back from Egypt for me when we were first dating, were taken. 

 

Now, I find a flip phone under a sofa that belonged to my son.  I charge it and read texts and see that he has obviously been selling drugs.  This news, although not surprising, has put me over the edge emotionally.  The past 6 years have been a roller coaster for many reasons, the death of my husband, mil, fil, bil and brother, fights with the public schools over my autistic son, dealing with issues with my family in Arkansas, honestly, it just seems like my life is a never ending cluster fuck.  Yes there has been good mixed in with the chaos but not having Rick to help weather the storms is really taking it's toll.  I made a call this morning to the EAP (Employee Assistance Plan) at work.  I can get 6 counseling sessions, per issue, per year.  I've never had counseling for myself, only for my younger two children (and honestly, it didn't seem to help much) but I'm hoping for some help coping. I just don't know how much more I can take.  I'm caught between wanting to somehow help my son, whom I love and set him loose on his own.  As a mother, how do you do that anyway?  And without Rick here it's so much harder.  My in-laws struggled with issues with their oldest son, my husband's brother, as well, all their lives, but at least they had each other through it all.  I have no one.  Even writing about it here, I can't contain the tears, even though I took a Xanax this morning, which usually helps with my weepy spells when I have them. 

 

Thanks for listening. 

 

 

[Momtojandj]

I have no words, my heart breaks reading your words . I have no advice, just sending you a virtual hug. Good idea to accept counseling for you . What about groups for parents dealing with kids with addiction ? I think the hardest part is knowing how much you can help him and how much he has to want the change for it to help.

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi SMo4,  my heart aches for you, too.  My aunt is a psychologist in Philadelphia (her longtime practice was on the main line and she's nearing retirement but she's well connected and is a stellar human being).  With a long history of therapy myself, the key is finding the right match; this is even more crucial if you can only have 6 sessions.  If I can assist or connect you with her feel free to pm me.  Lots of love. 

[RobFTC]

M, lots of hugs and prayers that you click with a great counselor.  You have dealt with an overwhelming amount, and at some point, you can't make it all happen without help.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[singinmomo4]

TooSoon, thanks for the offer, but I have to go through whoever is in the program's system and Philadelphia would be too far anyway.  The place they recommended looks like it has a lot of people to choose from so if one isn't a good fit hopefully another will be. 

 

I'm just so damn tired.  My life has had more turmoil and upheaval in the past 6 years than it did in the 20 years prior with Rick, not to mention any turmoil was so much easier to deal with having him to go through it with me.  This morning as I was talking to the person on hotline I couldn't stop crying and throughout today I've been crying off and on.  The Xanax just isn't working like it normally does.  I will probably take another one before bed, maybe it will help me sleep.  I just feel like something has finally snapped.  Adding to it all, I work 5 days this week and 5 days next week, oh wait, I do have Friday off the week after next because they have me scheduled to come in for a meeting on Saturday.  Anyway, we are understaffed right now and I'm sure I won't be getting many days off (other than the weekends which I always have off) for a while.  Working all these hours/days, the stress of everything going on in my life and the stress of everything that I'm getting behind on is just too much, and now I have to try to fit time in to go to a psychiatrist.  Luckily Mike (my 21 year old) has said he will come home if I can get an evening appointment to watch his brothers.  You want to hear something funny?  Mike is studying Psychology.  HA!  Maybe I should talk to him and I can be a case study for him for school.  LOL! 

[Wheelerswife]

M, you've certainly had more than your share of angst in the last 6 years.  I've watched as your younger 3 have grown and matured and I knew your oldest offered challenges, the depths of which I wasn't as aware.  I hope he finds his way.  In the mean time, I hope that you can find the support you need.  Not having kids, I can't even imagine the pain you must feel. 

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Bluebird]

(((((((singinmomo4))))))),

 

 

Everything you wrote I can relate to. Everything! In my case, I felt those feelings as I was dealing with the impact of my husband's addiction on him, me and our family. The stress of the dramas, the risks to our home and safety, the lying, the stealing, the bad characters that entered our lives, the constant worry, the fears and while all this is going on, keeping a decent public face on while trying to work a full time job.

 

I broke too. No reasonable human being can deal with what you are dealing with, without breaking down.

 

I did what you are doing, I went to a counselor one night a week to talk through what was happening. It helped me a little, but the thing that helped me a lot was going to alanon. Being among those who were dealing with what I was dealing with every day helped me to know:

 

- I wasn't alone

- I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it

- THE most loving thing I could do, for my hubby, myself and my son was to detach with love (doing that was one of the most difficult skills to learn - it took me a couple of years!)

- Self care isn't selfish, it's normal and necessary

 

I felt at the time like I was on a plane that was crashing, and although the air masks dropped down from the ceiling for everyone else, there wasn't one for me. By going to alanon, I learned that there was a mask for me.

 

I know some people feel really uncomfortable in alanon (family members of drug addicts go there too, not just family members of alcoholics), but it honestly saved my sanity and helped me navigate my choices much more effectively.

 

If ever you want to talk, to unload, to cry, to learn more, I'm here for you hon.

 

BIG LOVE and hugs, Bluebird

[hachi]

I felt at the time like I was on a plane that was crashing, and although the air masks dropped down from the ceiling for everyone else, there wasn't one for me. By going to alanon, I learned that there was a mask for me.

 

And then actually putting it on!

[Sugarbell]

((((((((Mary)))))))))

 

Bluebird offers great advice...You do need your own support dealing with his addiction.

 

And sometimes even the strongest people...have a breaking point...there is only so much stress one human being can handle until we crack and break. I am so happy your job provides the EAP and you will have someone to talk to! I hope and pray you get a good one!

[singinmomo4]

Bluebell thank you for your response.  It brought tears. 

[mmg19]

((Hugs)) I want so much to have an answer that would produce a solution and make everything good.  Of course, I don't.  As a Mom you will always love and hurt for your child.  Sadly, the addict is not capable of feeling your pain and thinking rationally.  Counseling may or may not help you but it will give you another ear and hopefully some good advice.  Bluebrid has had experience and good advice.

 

We all know addiction has no boundaraies and  unfortunately only the addict can be the one to help himself.  Your compassion, parenting, and work ethic as you've shared with the board far exceeds the norm.  I believe the God's promises to never leave us and will be praying for comfort, strength, and needed help to be with you.   

 

[Pammy]

I could have written a lot of this myself, just substitute my daughter for your son.

 

Counseling is good, but AA/NA is better. I have been attending AA/NA meetings nearly every evening for several months now and the support, honesty, advice and knowledge has been incredible. These people get it because they have lived it and, most importantly, have survived it.

 

One of the best pieces of advice that was offered to me in my first meeting was to let go. You can't control your addict child. They must find their way out of it themselves. As much as you want to love them healthy, it just doesn't work and only takes its toll on you. Take care of yourself first.

 

Think about it, you might find everything you need within AA/NA

[Forgottenwife]

Singinmomo4, wish I could hug you right now. I logged on today to offer support.

 

I'd like to reiterate what Bluebird and some of the other posters have shared, I found comfort and support in Al-Anon.

 

Gosh I remember when I started going and it is so hard to share your story, and I am so glad I went. In Al-Anon I found people that could relate, they knew just what it was like to love someone who suffers from addiction. I found others who understood what it is like to be missing money, to be embarrassed in social situations, to have a child in jail. I learned ways to take care of myself and not be consumed by loving an addict (that was just my issue, I know each of us is different.) But it helped. Another great thing about Al-Anon is the meetings are confidential, and other than voluntarily pitching in for snacks or literature (literally 2 or 3 dollars if I had it) there is no cost to attend. Although I didn't have children young enough to need child care while I attended, I think some meetings even offer child care. Life saver.

 

I am so sorry you don't have Rick with you to go through all of this. Please do what you can to practice self care. I will be thinking of you and your kids. 

[MrsDan]

Have you checked out Soberrecovery.com? there's a lot of information there, although I haven't vetted it too deeply; it's just too painful. But I know they have a section, and forum, for family and friends of addicts. Might be worth looking into.

 

The problem I have with AA, and all of its offshoots, including Al-Anon, is that they really posit a one size fits all solution. Addiction is a complex disease, and what works for some may not work for everybody. Are there some cases where the only person that can help the addicts are the addicts themselves? Absolutely. But I don't believe that's the case with all addicts. I do not believe that was the case with Dan, which is why I harbor so much regret. I've heard the stories of hundreds of people who lost addicts. About half of them did the tough love, it's on them to choose recovery route. The other half tried everything they could to offer support and are often labeled enablers. Almost every one of them from both groups regrets their choice. Not because their choice was wrong, but because of the outcome. In many of those cases the result would likely have been the same. But the reality is, loved ones of addicts face battling a very complex disease with no easy answers, all while being bombarded with often conflicting and inaccurate information. My point is that if I had it to do over again, I would gather as much information about all the different theories of treatment and causes of addiction. AA was the worst possible thing for Dan. To expect him to accept being powerless against alcohol when feelings of powerlessness were at the root of why he drank made no sense and I think the promulgation of the AA is the only answer myth played no small role in what happened.

 

Much like widowhood, loving an addict is something that no one can understand unless they've experienced. No one. So I really urge you to find a forum, much like this one where you can get support from those who get it. You might not find the answer to his problem, because his is unique, but it may help you cope with this monster.

 

I'm sorry. No one should have to face this with their spouse or their child.

[Sugarbell]

Agree with Mrs Dan

 

Soberecovery.com has an entire segment of the forum devoted to family members of addicts. I went to the site my first few months of being clean when I was going day by day and struggling to stay clean.

 

Check out the website!