People think by leaving us alone, they are helping

[Guest fern]

Something interesting that just blew my mind.

 

My child wants to go trick or treating with school friends but we live in the country, so, I asked via email the friends' parents what they are doing on Halloween. These are people we?ve been socializing with since our kids were all aged 2 and a preschool together, and who I used to consider friends, but I haven?t seen anything of them since DH died.

 

One parent wrote, ?Oh, so and so is having a party and all the kids are going? and the parent having the party wrote and said, ?yes we?d love you to come, sorry we didn?t invite you before. we?ve been waiting until you?re social again?.

 

I said, awesome, we?ll be there but what she said hit me like a brick.

 

I?ve been so mystified and hurt by everyone?s disappearance. I?ve felt like I have some contagious disease. It?s 8 months now, and I have been alone in the house with my child except for three week-long visits from my mother (she lives 2500 miles away). I was invited early on to some events in the city, 2hrs away but how could I go when my child would not let me out of sight for the first 3 months? And I don?t have a night time babysitter, so I had to turn down invitations to adult dinners or concerts... and then people stopped asking.  I have felt so rejected that I?ve decided to move and start over and have been fixing up the house to sell it.

 

I?m posting this in general discussion because, kids or no kids, I am realizing that people don?t have a clue what we widowed folk need. I realized that they think they are helping us by leaving us alone.

 

But really, where would anyone learn what we need? I didn?t even know myself until discovering this forum. Seems like a mass education campaign is in order.

[klim]

I agree how would they know.......half the time I don't even know what I need!

 

I figure if you want to be social you hunt out some interaction....I don't wait for anybody to include me, I figure out what is going to work for me and initiate.

 

If I want solitude I have no problem saying no to invitations, saying maybe next time.

 

In otherwords you must advocate for yourself....nobody's going to be able to figure out what you need better than yourself.

[WifeLess]

fern,

 

Sorry you have been abandoned by your friends. This appears to be a common problem among widows and widowers.

 

But really, where would anyone learn what we need? ... Seems like a mass education campaign is in order.

 

Inspired by your question, I just reposted the How You Can Help Me letter in the Newly Widowed section, since that's where I think it might be needed most:

 

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,1587.0.html

 

This letter, along with several other documents that were previously posted on the old YWBB and have already been reposted here, tries to explain to family and friends what we are feeling and what we may need. Those other writings include:

 

Letter to a Friend

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,7.0.html

 

Unique and Devastating Loss

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,8.0.html

 

Bill of Rights for Grief

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,13.0.html

 

And an edited version of Saying Olin to Say Goodbye

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,1000.0.html

 

Perhaps these can be of help in the "mass education campaign" that you mention.

 

--- WifeLess

[Guest fern]

yeah, you're right Klim.  I think this is where the combination of shy introvert + widow really doesn't work! 99% of my self-confidence was wrapped up in my spouse.

[canadiangirl]

I honestly, HONESTLY do not understand the logic behind "sorry we didn?t invite you before. we?ve been waiting until you?re social again? and how friends could possibly think that this might be what you and especially your child need.  I still think this is DGI and I still think this is unconscious code for "we don't know how to deal with you/grief/loss and it's a downer so we are just not going to deal and to justify it we are going to make it about you".  Sorry to be critical of your friends (and some of mine by extension), but I think this is human nature and not unique to your own situation.  I cannot honestly say that prior to this, I would've behaved much better (although I would never have cut a widowed family out of the Halloween party-dom), because I just did not see and I was trying to run my own life. 

 

I too have had to initiate and initiate with friends, and work through my hurt at those who have left, and it comes at a significant ongoing cost because I want to retreat and cut myself off for many reasons, none of them pique.  It's like apologizing when you are not the one to have initiated the argument!  It feels unjust and humbling when life has already humbled you in a big way. But I have to have a community and a social network for my small one.  We need friends so I have to find them.  I feel incredible gratitude for the few builders (from NYTimes article "Art of Presence" below) that have stayed on for the duration - seriously, so much that sometimes I want to hold onto their knees and write paeans in their honour.  I hope to be that friend for them someday too.  Sorry for the hijack of your post.  All this to say, I get it, fern. It's good that you are working through this and have perspective.  I like your idea of a mass campaign- WifeLess's resources are great.

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/21/opinion/brooks-the-art-of-presence.html?_r=0

 

 

 

 

[SimiRed]

yeah, you're right Klim.  I think this is where the combination of shy introvert + widow really doesn't work! 99% of my self-confidence was wrapped up in my spouse.

 

This... Exactly.

 

Even now, I have texted a friend with no response back.  I have tried to call with no answer, I give. I lost friends when my first DH passed away.  Now, out of the abusive marriage, my friends think... she's okay, she's strong, etc.

 

It's quiet, I enjoy talking to others, interacting, actually having an adult conversation once in a while instead of the eye roll and grunts from a teenager.

 

The last text I sent to my "friend", 3 days ago, after I asked her a question over a week ago.. "I'm hurt when you don't answer.  I know you're busy, but still hurts".  She is currently unemployed, has called me when she had questions for completing a resume' or other things, and I answer right away.  Probably cause I crave the interaction.  I give up and I'm just plain done trying. 

 

It was difficult to send the text, but I must be honest with myself and set those boundaries of not allowing anyone to hurt me.  I didn't point a finger and say "You're hurting my feelings by not responding"... Nope, I just made it is an "I" format.

 

I agree, we need to go out and find the social interaction ourselves.  I've tried the library, a local shop that does some crafting, etc.  It's okay, it's a new place and new people.  But, I can't get the interacting cleaning the house 24/7 and isolating myself.

 

I hope you and your child enjoy the party!

 

[RobFTC]

It's hard.  But real relationships do take some effort from both parties.  I still get invited to things, but less often, and I know some contacts I am losing because I don't work to keep them.  A goal for last calendar year, and this calendar year, was to invite friends to do things, you know, like friends do.  I have not had much success.  I don't have close friends now because I don't act like I want them.  And I erect barriers, or let them stay, for example, the bathroom the guests would use is the one my daughters trash, and it is beyond me somehow to clean it or to get them to clean it.  So obviously I can't have people over, right?  If it wasn't that, it would probably be the deck needing to be swept.  I have met the enemy and he is me.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Torn]

I crave interaction so terribly that I caught myself smiling watching people simply go in and out of a restaurant.

  Being totally alone definitely gets to every person who has lost their spouse ,after all none of us build loving relationship for years thinking that we could be torn apart.

  It seems like with all of life's big hurdles tend to make people loose touch.

  I think about this often,it's foolish of humans to do this,because  when they (departed friend) experience big things in life they'll have no life experience to help them cope.

  Sorry just thinking out loud.

[luvmy2babies]

I have been thinking about this recently.  When I was single I had a set of friends.  Eventually we were all married and didnt see each other as much.  There were couples we associated with, occasionally got together with and such.  Not as much the last few years with dhs condition he just didnt have the energy; but fellowship was there. 

 

When he died, it was kind of like being silently told, Okay, go back over there (single crowd) now.  Only it was a whole different crowd now.  People my age had children much older.  Some were grandparents.  I remember dh and I going to a gathering at a friends home with other couples for lunch one weekend.  A few months after dh died, I remember getting a call from a wife who wasnt at the previous gathering.  She said they were headed to said friends house for lunch and couldnt remember where to turn in the neighborhood.  Now did I as a single woman expect to be invited to lunch with a group of couples?  No, but in that moment, it was another hit as to how life had changed. 

 

Fortunately for me at some point when I was feeling isolated during dhs life, I started reaching back for friends Id had in the past (college friends mainly).  I found three classmates I was close to during our days in the college band.  Two married each other.  Another married a guy she met later.  Two children were born to each union.  Turns out our children (except my son) were born like steps.  They are now ages 10, 11, 12, 12, and 13.  My son is 5.  The two 12 year-olds (my daughter and one friends son) were born within hours of each other.  They dont care Im single.  They never even got to meet dh.  We go to football games at our alma mater.  Since about 9 months after dh died, when the children were 5, 6, 7, 7 and 8 and my son was an infant, weve been meeting up there.  The children are all friends.  Were working on expanding to get together other times even if its still at school to support another sport; but of course they all have other friends that they do other things with.  Thats something Im still working on myself.

 

[Sugarbell]

Oh I remember this....and hearing it....even hearing excuses like "We assumed you were at your Mom's this weekend"--Basically they didn't want to deal with it..and it stung..The first two years...because we had been close couple friends and I immediately it seemed got disbanded..kicked out of the club.

 

The good news....it forced me to seek out other true friendships. I will say I have two old friends from my previous life that still live in Stepford. But our friendship wasn't based on being a couple...or status in the community..We genuinely enjoyed each others company...it had nothing to do with our spouses...In fact....our friendship really didn't include couple/spouses.

 

Over the years...I have found friendships that are based on your spouses....or even your kids friends/interests with kids...are fleeting. They really aren't deep. They are more convenient in the moment. Not saying that's bad...I have lots of those..But I no longer consider them close friends....more aquaintances. My true girlfriends...whom I may not see that often now...we can pick up wherever we left off. I reconnected with old high school friends, newly divorced friends...and even a few married friends whom I really just enjoy.

 

But it does sting...and looking back....I see those relationships as shallow. But at the time it didn't make it hurt any worse. But now...I am aquaintances with those people...but I don't consider them friends. Actually, I find their company downright boring.

[klim]

I didn't have any friends before....we didn't have friends before. We had each other.

That is probably why I don't feel the sting of lost friendships but i do feel the lonliness This is  why I knew i would have to reach out and start anew. It does take courage and effort . But for me those initial uncomfortable moments when initiating contact were worth it. Advocate for yourself to get what you want. Not always easy but hopefully worth it.

Fern ,if you add in the introvert personality this is going to be that much tougher  but by reaching out in an email you started the process. Now hopefully things will keep rolling along.

[Guest Munsen]

I've experienced this. I've deliberately tried reaching out to people and after being rebuffed and your calls/texts not returned, you just get tired of trying. I really think people prefer me 'out of sight, out of mind' as I'm the first one in our old social circle to be widowed.

 

I'm actually clearing out my house and planning on selling in the spring and moving as I'm tired of this and hopefully, a new start will help me find people who aren't aware of my past to be uncomfortable with the new me.