Moving on, the 'inlaws' kinda turned 'outlaws,' the f'n Holidays.....

[Ashliebelle]

Not sure where to start, gonna be as clear and concise as possible.... 

On 5/27/11 I became a widow unexpectedly due to a motorcycle accident.

We had two children together, at the time ages 8 and 13.

My in-laws were kind of like second parents to me, I truly loved them and felt that they were really my family too.

 

Feb. of 2012 made official that I had entered a relationship.  Not the TrAdiTionAl timeframe, but long story short, I went with my gut on a friendship that developed into more than a mere friendship.  He knew and was friends with the hubby, I could talk freely with him, to this day when I am grieving lost husband he listens and does not judge or make me feel bad for bringing it up, sometimes we even share memories of late husband.

 

I don't want to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with the 'in-laws' anymore.  I don't want to mess up the childrens' relationship with them, but I am tired of trying...... I am so over it.....I never felt that they really accepted my new guy, MIL actually stated more than once that "you can fall in love with a rich man as easy as you can a poor man"  I was speechless in person but did later make a post on facebook that I am not a golddigger (though not in those exact words)  I have tried to maintain a decent relationship with them, but I am just tired of it.  There are so many other things I could add, but I'm not trying to draw this out too long and generally they are good people, I'm just tired of being the 'poor little dear that should've found someone worthy of our acceptance'.....  Fuck That!!!!!  He's good to me, he's good to the kids, he's a Good Man even if he doesn't meet your fucking standards...

 

 

[Guest TalksToAngels]

We can fall in love with either rich or poor, but when we go, it matters nothing. Unless one needs a fancier gravestone.

Sometimes you can't explain it to people.

 

[Brenda]

Yeah, the in-laws often show their true colors once a spouse has died.  Sorry you're going through family issues - the stress really isn't a welcome addition, I'm sure.

 

When my in-laws pushed me away shortly after my wife had died, I thought that it would be temporary, that they were grieving the loss of their daughter/sister, and that I should give them some space to get their lives back together (notwithstanding the fact that I needed their help more than anything at that time, given the total destruction my wife's death caused to my life and our children.)  I thought that it was just a natural reorganization.  But when things didn't get back to anything like the normal (but distant) relationship we always had, I started to realize that the in-laws were just total assholes who I didn't want in my new life.

 

Sure, there are grandchildren to consider, but I'm the parent and I decided to move on with my life and help my children move on with theirs, and the in-laws would in no way be a part of that.  If they couldn't act reasonably towards me, then they have zero chance of being around my children.

 

It's not too late to move on, cut them out, and do what makes you happy and comfortable.  You are in no way obligated to see them, interact with them, visit them, live near them, nothing whatsoever.  So if they're causing more problems than they're solving, get rid of them.  We all know first hand and better than most that life is too short to waste on people who do not treat us properly, and I'm far happier now that I've cut ties and started to do what helps me get beyond my wife's death, not what helps them.  If your new life with your new beau is where you want to focus, then do exactly that and don't look back.  We can't please everybody, but we can please ourselves.

[Guest nonesuch]

Your terminology brought me a small smile.  My late husband and I referred to his first wife's family as the outlaws.

 

Every one of us has to navigate through life and it's hurtful passages.  Your outlaws are no different.  I'm sorry they're giving you trouble.  They have no idea what your process has been.  While their loss isn't like yours, it's still big for them

 

I'm sure there are people who jump into relationships too soon - and not just widows.  But sometimes the stars align and the right person comes along, and you've done enough work...and hey. If you had a good relationship with your late spouse, you know what one looks like, don't you? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ashliebelle]

Thank you both!!!  While at this point I do want to maintain a cordial relationship with 'the outlaws,"  I also am more inspired to do more of what I need to do this time of year than of what other people want.  I have wanted for quite a while to rent a little cabin in the mountains for an extended weekend - and BOOM!!!  The stars aligned and the angels sung and at the last minute I found a little cabin available for a price I could afford.  The place is small, modest, and in a remote location....  and it has the amenities that made me jump at the chance of staying there (wifi, canoe, hot-tub).  Now just to work out the final details.....

[klim]

I want a respite at a cabin like that.

[Ashliebelle]

So, for update....  The decision to go to the mountains was definitely a Good one!!!  It was beautiful and peaceful, almost made me want to move to there.  I even slipped in a 'staycation' for the second week.  Got some long-neglected household things caught up and the Christmas tree and decorations up.  I felt so rejuvenated afterwards!!!!  Now to tackle Christmas....