Thoughts........Eight Years, and the finger prints of God

[JustMom1215]

Well, sitting here thinking about eight years ago, it was eight years ago today that I had to say "so long" to Rod, coming up on eight years to the exact time. We had had a really good day that day, lots of really good things happening. Rod was able to enjoy some great times with both of our kids, and got to see both of them have one of their dreams come true.  Heather had been able to help produce a TV show at OU, and James had received his ACT score and he had scored high enough to go to the college he was wanting to attend. We had also been able to enjoy a very nice relaxing evening together.  All in all it had been a really good day.

Actually we had been able to enjoy so many things for several months, we had been so blessed.  I did not realize at the time just how God was working in our lives.  In the weeks and months following Rod's death, I began to see and understand just how God had been working in our lives, preparing the way for us. 

At the time we were simply "living life".  Doing the things we needed and wanted to do, not recognizing at that time the fingerprints of God.  We had an older vehicle with a lot of miles on it, and decided to trade it in on a newer more dependable car.  Rodney had a friend that was training to sell life insurance and let him practice on us.  We decided to purchase a policy, at the time other than a small policy he had thru his employer.  We were also considering moving to an apartment, and had one picked out, a nice apartment in a safe complex with security.  I had started a started a new part time job about August of that year and had out of the blue was offered a promotion and full time, something we were not expecting.  So many things with God's fingerprints all over them, and we did not realize it at all at the time.  God knew what our needs were going to long before we knew we even had needs

I still remember so many things about that evening, I made Bacon Swiss Burgers for supper.  Rod, James and I were sitting at the kitchen table enjoying our supper.  Heather and Orin had left to go to her grandparents for a visit.  While we were eating Rod looked at James and told him "be good to your momma, take care of your momma.  Remember, you are not promised tomorrow.  He looked at me and said "You are my very best friend".  He had also been able to talk to his parents on the phone, and got to tell both of them he loved them.  James had left to go to a youth lock in at his friend's church, so we had the house to ourselves.  We were enjoying a quiet relaxing evening, he was doing some stuff on the computer and I was working on a scrapbook of our wedding pictures. 

We decide to go to bed a little early because we were both a little tired.  I remember him taking me in his arms, looking in my eyes and saying with so much emotion "I love you more that words could ever tell", I told him I loved him, he kissed me, then he collapsed.  I thought he was just teasing me at first, pretending to be asleep.  I shook him and he didn't respond, something he would do sometimes just to tease me.  I then took my fingers and opened an eye and said "hello", usually this is when he would start laughing.  This time, he didn't, I realized something was really very wrong.  Ironically, I called 911 at 9:11.  They had me do CPR, until the paramedics arrived, I have wondered many times, did I do it right?  Could the outcome have been different?  I do know I did my best. 

They worked for quite some time to bring him back.  I tried to stay out of the way and called a good friend/coworker of Rod.  Tim went by the church and got James, and come to the house.  I was making phone calls calling his parents, our pastor, my family, just getting people to pray.  I think this is when I was just trying to stay busy, not wanting to be told what I already knew.  But still God's fingerprints are there.  All along God was orchestrating things, so I would have the support I needed. 

In the weeks and months that followed, there were times I felt so alone, so angry at God for doing this, I mean we were supposed to have forever together.  So many times I just really wanted to throw rocks at God. I told HIm, "God you really messed up this time..you know this was not supposed to happen.  I wanted to yell at God.  But you know what God done, so many times, I was able to crawl up in God's lap like a scared littlechild, God wrapped His arms around me and just held me.  It was okay that I was angry, hurt and  confused.  God was there, and he loved me.  Once again, the fingerprints of God in a situation that could seem hopeless, but not because of God. 

Will I ever "get over"  Rod's death, no.  I will never get over it, I will never quit missing him.  But, I have gone on and will continue to live my life.  As I live my life, yes God's finger prints will still be in my life.  Like a couple lines in some of my favorite moves, the Love Comes Softly series. 

"The truth of God's love is not that He allows bad things to happen, it's his promise that he will be there with us--when they do."   

Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen them last or the amount of time since you've talked..it's about that very moment when you are doing something and you wish that they were right there with you.

Yes there are times I still wish Rod could be here, but then again, there is no way I could wish him away from Heaven.  One of the verses I have leaned on in past 8 years, and it is actually one of my very favorite verses is

1 Corithinthians 2:9

9But as it is written:?Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,

Nor have entered into the heart of man

The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.? (NKJV)

I am so very thankful for the wonderful gift of salvation, I know I will see Rod again and it will be a sweet reunion. 

God has been so very good to me my entire life.  I am not saying it has all been wonderful, I have been thru some very rough and heartbreaking times.  I know there will be more to come.  God does not promise us that we will not go thru hard times, He does however promise to be there with us when they do.  I know some say that God won't give us more than we can handle, not sure I totally agree with this, I think it is more like He won't give us more than he will help us handle.  Sometimes the tough times are the ones where we learn the most and gain the most strength.  Sometimes during the tough times we learn more about God's character. 

 

GOd has blessed my life in so many ways, my 23 years I was able to enjoy with Rod was just a very small part of it.  I have two wonderful kids. They are both such a blessing, I am very proud of both of them, and I know Rod would be too.  I can just see him elbowing Jesus and saying "did you see that Jesus?  That was MY kid". 

I have remarried and Ron, the man God brought into my life is truly a blessing.  He is always so patient with me.  He has and understanding when I have my "moments" when one of my and Rod's special days come along.  Oh, and how could I forget those two grandkids, we have the coolest grandson in the world and the sweetest granddaughter in the world.  I really don' t know what I ever done to deserve so many blessings.  But, I am so thankful that I can look back and see all the "fingerprints of God" all throughout my life.  So glad He has always and will always be there guiding each and every step of my life. 

 

   

 

[widowhoodsucks]

(((((HUGS)))))

[sojourner]

I always greatly appreciate it when those like you who're much further down this road than myself come back and share your experiences and updates! Thank you!

[linda5]

JustMom, your post resonated with me on so many levels.  My husband also died suddenly  2 1/2 years ago and I can see God's hands were on my daughters and I preparing us.  I've told people that I was spitting bullets at God when He called my husband home.  I was so angry with God and stayed that way for about 2 1/2 months.  I could feel God trying to get close to me and give me comfort, but I was so angry and wouldn't let God get close to me.  I wanted God to watch me suffer.  Then, when I was finally ready to accept His love and comfort, I felt it.  Still don't understand why my husband of 35 years was taken from me when we had the best marriage of anybody I know. 

 

It's still hard.  Our three daughters are all married now, with two of them living on two different coasts.  I look forward to a time when I can truly have joy back in my life.  I can function now ... just missing the real joy in life.  Hope to find that soon.

[Trying]

That was beautifully written.  Thank you for sharing your perspective.