Quixote Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 I'd actually gone back to work before, but had a freaking meltdown last year. Recurrent nightmares about the girl, that sort of thing. End result was inability to focus on the flight deck (I'm an overpaid bus driver). Margin for error in my line of work is pretty narrow, so I voluntarily pulled myself off line and saw a pshrink. Of course, that made me ineligible to fly period until I got a thumbs up as totally not depressed. Did my Maria von Trapp imitation in the pshrink's office a month ago and got the paperwork to go back and commit aviation. Should be excited. Love flying. But it's been a year out of saddle, and frankly I feel as rusty as all get. They've got warm up sim time for me, but it's do or die by Dec 2 or I'll have to find another line of work. Don't have a lot of fallback skills, I hate to say. This is what I've done my entire adult life. Unsuitable for honest labor, we like to joke. Well, flying out to corporate tomorrow morning. Miss the hell out of my wife at times like these-- she was always there with a cup of coffee and a burnt toast peanut butter sandwich as I headed out the door at Oh Dark Thirty. And she would drill me on limitations and profiles-- probably knew my planes better than my first officers did. But she's not here, and there's nothing for it but to grit teeth and focus on the job at hand. Here goes nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Hang in there, buddy. You got this - I can tell by reading your posts that you are a man than does what needs to be done. Hopefully, you will regain your enthusiasm for flying once you get back in the cockpit. Best of luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Hi there. I had a nervous breakdown at about 10 months and had to take FMLA time off from teaching. Though I never stopped teaching entirely, keeping one class because I felt that I'd made a commitment to that group of students that I needed to keep, I felt that, on the whole, I was not in the right condition to be responsible for young minds. It was a short stint - three months, half of which was winter break - but when I did go back full time, I felt reinvigorated and being in front of my students again gave me confidence, a sense of purpose and hope. If you weren't ready, you would know it. You can do it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Best of luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sojourner Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 For me, sometimes the anticipation/dread of someting I'm out of practice on is the worse part. Once I actually get to it, it comes back- I think that's referred to as "muscle memory?" Something like that anyway. Once I'm actually back at it, then my confidence rebuilds. Much success to you, and hoping that you'll soon experience your love of flying again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 good luck and hope to hear an update on how it went for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max2507 Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Hope things went well for you today. Work gave me something to focus on and some structure. It also provided for some social interactions. I had to go back to running our businesses within two weeks out of necessity. Makes sense for your line of work to take that time out and now getting back into it I hope you find you can enjoy it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quixote Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 Day one of ground sim and one on one with a systems instructor. Chief pilot personally welcomed me back-- it's funny how many folks remember me and seem to have missed me. Guess I've missed them, too. Airlines bigger than it used to be, but there's still a certain quasi military esprit de corps. The numbers and systems come back when I don't think too hard. My fingers know the switches. But sim is still sim, and I feel like goo. Think I'm going to hit the hotel gym then back to the books. Even now, after years, I have to restrain myself from trying to call home. She's not there. But, maybe in a sense she's here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I'm glad you were missed and welcomed back. Hang in there. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sojourner Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Let the camaraderie do its' work, and release your training to your muscle memory. You know what to do. Release that. Yeah, the instinct to call in to home/her. Get that. Any way to translate that to a moment of pause of some kind of acknowledgement? Personally, I have a faith where I work that through, but if you look at things a different way, I still think you need a way you recognize that feeling and then you make your passage through that. Don't fight it. Give it its' due. My own viewpoint, fwiw. Disregard if not beneficial. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quixote Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 Finished the sim at 3 am yesterday, Pretty much rocked it, if I can be completely immodest (arrogant pilot? Who would have thought?) Back home with the critters now. Whee...jetlag. Forgot about that You'd think I'd be immune after a couple of decades of flying, but nope. Flying a real bird tomorrow. I feel totally charged. I'd forgotten how important the flying is to me-- you'd think I'd have enjoyed all the time off, at least once I got the sleep under control. But no. It wasn't fully blown grief depression, but more of a "blah, I'm useless" feeling. My wife always said that I got grouchy if I didn't fly for more than a couple of weeks, even on holiday. She'd threaten to call scheduling and volunteer me. Here's the funny thing-- our company just took an order for a bunch of new shiny jets, and I put in my bid for training on them. I got the award. A lot of guys were all "What? Right after you just went through refresher training on the old equipment?" But you know what? It feels right. In a way, it's like when I finally moved out of the old place my wife and I lived in together. It's part of the continuing to live on thing. But I'm not going to pretend grief is over. Sojourner's right, I need to figure out a way to fill that empty moment with acknowledgement. I wanted anything to call my wife when I passed sim. She always would call me in the morning, even if it was stupid early-- like even 3am for her. She'd set her alarm on her cell phone and sleep with it, and give me a sleepy call to wake me up and say she loved me. And I'd always call her when I got in. Maybe a hangover from the days when my flying was more dangerous and she worried more. But mostly just to hear her voice. I'm going to have to figure out a rhythm that helps me get through that. Or the insomnia is going to hit again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Congratulations, Quixote - on both your return to flying AND getting awarding training on one of the new jets! Perhaps you can keep a small journal with you - like a Moleskine notebook - and record how you are feeling when you have those moments when you really wish you could hear her voice. It may help you both as catharsis, and also to put you in touch with exactly what emotions you are feeling. You never even have to go back and read your own writings if you don't want to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Good for you, Quixote! I've been hoping you would find your groove with flying again! And congrats on the reward! Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max2507 Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Awesome, glad its been positive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quixote Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 Howling winds into LAX last night. Supposed to be calm. But landed the big tin can safely enough. It's my job. Feeling competent again. Good feeling. The flight deck is a safe place, where I know where everything is, and there's an order and reason for everything. The rest of my life? Eh, still working on it. But at least I've got the bird under control. And that's something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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