Guest TooSoon Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 OK, year three. Year one was shock. Year two was "FUCK! I actually have to pull myself together and live this." But year three has been "WTF?!?!?" - holy complexity. It feels like I'm living three lives at once: the life that is over (and I'm not mourning the loss of Scott anymore but rather the loss of the person I was before); the life I live day to day which looks a lot on the surface like the life that is over but is fundamentally unlike that life in any way; and the life I see emerging but that hasn't yet materialized (given, a big part of this for me is uncertainty about how - not whether - a long term, long distance relationship will resolve -- where, when, how etc.). It has been so very hard. Just wow. Extreme highs and lows; existential crises that last days; relentless searching for ways to "fix" it and make it "better." As my dearest widowed friend said last night, "I find myself almost longing for the early days of shock." Shock was easier to understand. Of course we don't really want to go back there but this is certainly not a sprint - I got that from day one - but it isn't a marathon either; this is one marathon after another followed by another. Your thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIonlycould Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 My thoughts are I could have written your post word....for.....word at my three year time, truly, word for word. (And if it helps, it has gotten better, finally). ((((((HUGS))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Yes, it is like I know what I want but because of the remnants of and limitations left by life #1 I can't just jump into life #3 so I have to live in this weird limbo of now. Life #2. And it is like a game of Risk or Chess. I'm in this liminal place. There are no strategic moves left to make. I just have to sit here and live it out until a path appears. An ambitious woman always this is hard to accept and I've been a spectacular mess lately. I mean I'm doing what needs doing and then some but I'm unhappy and confused. Done with the past, sick of the status quo, unsure about but eager for the future that has some definition but not enough to make me feel confident that there is a plan that I can count on. But I'm doing it. I guess that is worth something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I like your explanation of life 1....2 and 3 I'm not sure I'm on the correct path for life number 3 but I definitley get your drift. Onwards and forward....just not sure when or how Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Yes, the elusive life #3. The initial shock and horror is something I can't allow myself to remember too closely. Year 2 was about reacting to the curve balls my new widowed life was throwing at me constantly. Now that I'm in year 3 I have a pretty strong vision of what I want this next phase to look like, I'm taking steps to get there but most days it's one step forward and 2 steps back. The days when the anxiety or the total lack of motivation return I am shocked and kinda pissed off that I can still feel that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I'm so relieved it is not just me. I thought I might be going over the deep end. I read on the old ywbb posts from people in this stage. Must harness all of my deep breathing and mindfulness skills but there is no time because I'm always running like a maniac. Then the weekend comes. I have a lot of work to do on the weekend for my job but I'm so exhausted by it all and I'm also alone a lot and have time to think and I have a kid at home - and it's always a struggle to balance what needs doing most. And often nothing gets done. My life is about choosing what needs doing in the moment and maintaining the status quo. Biding my time is not my nature. I know I want no one but my partner but he is far away, the time difference renders us just not really communicating in any meaningful way when we are not together which is 90% of the time. I feel stranded and lonely and I hate it. Its also not his fault and i know he hates it too. But he's much further on this journey than I am and isn't going through any of this anymore and I am pretty sure he would be just fine on his own and he should probably just find a woman who can meet him where he is without all of this existential stuff I keep bringing to the table and my inability to accept things the way they are. I know unequivocally that I love him and what I want for our future but I can't have it now and I have to bridge and make sense of this day to day somehow. I was eviscerated on the old board every time I tried to talk about this living between worlds question. Thank you all for talking it through with me. No one in my "life #2" wants to hear it, well except my super widower-friend mentioned above, let alone understand it . Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abitlost Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 TS, In this day and age of instant gratification, my advice to you is to keep your eye on the ball. Life #3 is there for you when all pieces are ready to be properly placed in the puzzle; when that day arrives, the years will pass by with your beloved as they should and you will scarcely remember life #2 and the anguish it entailed because you will have already done all the work to make life #3 a success. Hugs, abl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabzmom Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I'm coming through 2 and it looks like I know what I want 3 to be. I am orchestrating the plan and will execute in the next few months. I will let all know once I e taken that leap. There will be a job change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hikermom Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I was just thinking about year 3 this past week. I feel like Year 1 was survival - learning how to breathe, eat and function now that my world, my future, was turned on its head in the blink of an eye. I was surrounded by fog, pain and loss. I learned to function for my daughter and to just keep going forward. Year 2 was the year of reality (or so I thought). I realized this was real - and permanent. He wasn't going to just walk in the door and make it all better. So I figured out what I could manage on my own and realized I was made of stronger stuff than I ever thought. I moved to a new job that is perfect for me and in which I can thrive and grow. I gained confidence that I can clean my woodstove chimney pipe, split wood, fix my snowblower, manage house issues, juggle my job and two hours of commuting and my daughter's sports/lesson schedule. Year 2 was the year I believed it when I said "I got this." Year 3 is rapidly turning into the year of despair. Now that I know I CAN do it on my own, I know more than ever that I don't WANT to do it on my own. I'm fried, lonely, angry and despairing. That could easily be in part because of the holidays, a fast-approaching major birthday, and the rapid onset of adolescence in my daughter but this shit sucks. I'm staring down the face of a lonely future. The job I love comes with a rotten commute that leaves no time for me. My life is somewhat on hold while I get my daughter through these school-age years. Just the very thought of online dating turns my stomach and makes my head ache - I can't manage the scheduling now. How do I add socializing and dating into the mix. I, too, see where I want to go. I just can't figure out how I'm getting there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Now that I know I CAN do it on my own, I know more than ever that I don't WANT to do it on my own. I'm fried, lonely, angry and despairing. I'm halfway through year 2, but this is exactly how I feel. Yes, I can do it alone, but I DON'T WANT TO!!!! I want to stomp my feet and cry and scream, but that doesn't help. It's not fair!!! > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 From what I remember the third year was very tough. Probably my worse (but my addiction had spiraled at that point and I felt very pressured to re marry-which I briefly did and it was a 5 month disaster). And I agree....at this stage many think everything is fine and the lives (prior/present) get all jumbled together. On the bright side-year 4...things become clearer...time starts doing it's job...you evolve totally I totally into the "present/now" life...And for me anyway started on an upward climb outta the hole of despair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Yes, after my umpteenth attempt to drive adp away, spectacularly as usual, I had this realization: I can see the brass ring in front of me, but I can't grab it yet. I feel like I am on an endless merry-go-round and I not only want to get off (I've wanted to get off for years) but now that I'm ready, I can't have it yet and its making me nuts. As my boss said, "You already have one foot out the door, don't you?" Oh yes, so much more than just one foot though. This grieving and reinvention of life at middle age involves a lot of waiting. I've been good. I didn't make any big decisions. I took care of my daughter first, and then I took care of my grief. I waited. But now I am done, at least with the biding my time part. Yet, the moment isn't now. And it is nearly enough to drive me mad. I love all of you lovely people. It pains me that we are all hurting so much but somehow, collectively, it doesn't hurt as much when its all shared. Honestly, I would not be standing if it wasn't for you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIonlycould Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 TooSoon-Every single thing you have written could have been written by me at that time. The limbo, the strength, the weakness, the knowing, the not having a clue, the wanting to make a move, the desire to go back to the familiar normal. Years three and four were SO hard for me, I was in such a place of knowing what I wanted and the next minute wondering if it was right because my judgement was off, and then back to knowing. Wanting to get out of the job that my widowhood had forced me into and then being too indecisive to take the step. That and the barrier that had to be crossed of buying the next house and needing to show income from an employer rather than self employment, all of the bridges and the constant feeling of limbo......and having to do all of this as I was approaching middle age...this was supposed to be "our time" to coast and instead I found myself crawling up that hill and playing hurry up and wait with my life.... I know I have just rattled on but I am recalling from memory those feelings, I am coming to 8 years that he will be gone this July. I am so much better than I was, so much better.... I love all of you lovely people. It pains me that we are all hurting so much but somehow, collectively, it doesn't hurt as much when its all shared. Honestly, I would not be standing if it wasn't for you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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