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[TMPPGH]

I know I don't post much but many of you give great advice. I lost my husband 1 year and almost 9 months. I am still trying to wrap my head around it all.  He passed from cancer and not suddenly and have me very specific instructions of wanting me to move on with my life. I feel blessed I do have that. There is a guy I have talked to for about a year now. He knew my husband as an acquaintance. How I met him is more complicated. It's a best friend thing. We've gotten over all that mess. We get along very well. He has issues from a previous relations and is guarded and so am I. This weekend he finally pressed me on what I wanted. I confuse him cause for me when I'm upset I push away the people I care about. We made a headway and talked about being together. I was afraid when this happened that I would get scared and want to head for

The hills and of course that's what I want. I am so afraid of having to go thru losing someone I care the world about and I find it easier to block that out. I know it's unhealthy but I just can't get out of my mind that if I finally find happiness that it will be taken away as well.  For those that are dating and all now how do you get over those feelings? He is a great guy and we talked about this and he has tried to reassure me he isn't going anywhere. In my head I just keep thinking you never know that!!

[Guaruj]

Hi -

 

I lost my wife to cancer in July 2014 - I believe that's about 4 months after you lost your husband. I haven't dated enough to tell you how to get past your resistance, but...

 

I am so afraid of having to go thru losing someone I care the world about and I find it easier to block that out. I know it's unhealthy but I just can't get out of my mind that if I finally find happiness that it will be taken away as well.

 

Consider the alternative: Would you be happier spending the rest of your life alone? No matter what, you're taking a risk when you fall in love with someone. You're risking losing someone you count on, whether it's by death, betrayal or other circumstances. Most people believe that the reward is well worth the risk.

 

I suggest you take things slowly with this guy and try to enjoy his friendship as it evolves. He's been patient with you so far, which speaks well of him. I wouldn't expect opportunities like this to come along every day.

 

He is a great guy and ...

 

I hope you'll find a way to let him know that, and soon.  Have fun with this!

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Abitlost]

Guaruja is very wise when he says...

 

"No matter what, you're taking a risk when you fall in love with someone. You're risking losing someone you count on, whether it's by death, betrayal or other circumstances. Most people believe that the reward is well worth the risk."

 

My advice would be to let things develop with this guy.

 

abl

[Wheelerswife]

As someone who took the risk and lost my second love as well, I will tell you that it is incredibly painful.  BUT, I wouldn't have given up the time that I had with my second husband for anything.  He was worth every little bit of what I have been through since his death.  As I see it, we have only one life to live here on this earth.  I don't want to live my life alone or unhappy.  I know I need to open myself up to possibilities.  Again.  Yes, I would do it a third time, knowing full well that I could be widowed again. 

 

Each of us really needs to decide for ourselves what it is that makes us happier.  I know we are all different, but this is my perspective.

 

Best wishes,

 

Maureen

[Justin]

Hi all,

 

Just popped in to let you all know that I moved this thread from General Discussion. It seemed more appropriate for the Relationships section.

 

Thanks!

 

Justin

[Guest Mel4072]

Sometimes you have to look at things from a different perspective. Love is amazing. Is this guy worthy of love? Can you give him the love to make him a better person? Can you make him feel loved?

It's not what we get, it's what we give.

I love Mark's advice, "Tell him soon."

Give. Love. Let it go.

I'm crazy in love with a dude. I don't strive for what I can get, I strive for what I can give him. We connect. We listen to each other and understand each other. What I get from him is more than I could ever ask for. So, I continue to give. Love.

[IfIonlycould]

I went through this as well when I first started seeing BF a few years back (DH has been gone 7.5  years now).  My therapist D and I were sitting on a bench at the beach talking (yes at the time he had a private beach down the street from his office that we would walk to for our sessions).  So I told him I was thinking of leaving BF because I didn't want to get any more attached to him than I already was (fear of losing him).  D said well we are sitting on this bench right now right? And if the bench is removed we will go sit on the picnic table or sit in the sand, and we will adjust to that.  But right now the bench is here, so sit, enjoy the view and stop thinking that it may go away.  So simple....and so I did and I am still with BF 6 years later, through fights and health scares....and when those feelings creep back I go back to this simple story and remind myself to enjoy the people, places and things that are in my life today and not live in fear.  It is a simple concept but it is not easy at times.

[TMPPGH]

Thanks to all who have posted. I know I would get sound advice from this group. The story about the bench is awesome! I will think of that as well. I try to live in the now it's just hard when the fear creeps in.

[Mac]

In my dating and my relationships, fear of loss hasn't been a concern. At this point there are some thoughts about the future, but most of my life is so focused on the present.