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[Abitlost]

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[RobFTC]

Hugs, Abi.  This is a minefield about which I have no good advice.  I have tended to be open with my kids when I am going on dates, but I am very reluctant to have everyone meet until the relationship has passed a certain point.  And my relationships have not done that yet, so meetings have only happened by accident.  I almost don't know how a sleepover could happen.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Captains wife]

I wish there was a manual too. Some parents are more cautious about their relationships and children in general - particularly at certain ages. But it sounds as though he is being cautious in general in dating, which is ok - if you are ok with it. "Not being ready" is fair enough and if that is the case, it is better you two are taking it slow. And he better be open about communicating going forward. My Chapter 2 relationship is proceeding at a snail's pace - but because both of us are more comfortable that way.

 

I think in a new, serious relationship that our kids should be involved to some extent but there is no timeline for this and depends a lot on the people involved, and how the children are adapting. I think its tough for some of us (including me) to blend their kids with a partner that isn't their mother or father and so that could be some of what is going on here - either to "protect" the children or to protect themselves. I would be more concerned in your case if he just isn't into opening himself and his family up to you over the long run - and maybe his timeline is just longer than some people.

 

For example, I took over a year to introduce my now BF to my son (who was 3 years old at the time) and only recently (another few months after that) has he stayed overnight - but he stays in my room while I sleep in the guest room...even if my now 4 year old probably has no idea whether we stayed in the same room or not. I also tend to have limited contact including both of them - because I am very cautious....but also because I want mother/son time alone. I'm lucky my Chapter 2 boyfriend understands that and its also easier as he doesn't have his own kids.

 

Wishing you all the best...this is NOT easy at all. 

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Sorry about your relationship (loss). Just thinking, not advising. You had written that you were not over the other relationship. Me I would not make long term plans with anyone. But this is just speculation. If you find yourself wondering questioning the what ifs, it will certainly change the course of a future relationship.

[Trying]

I think you know how slow I was to introduce my NG to my kids and in a year and a half there has been no sleepovers with my kids in the house. They only know of one weekend get away I had with him and know nothing of any other sleep overs.  For me it is the age of my kids, 2 older teens and an 11 year old and the fact that the older 2 had a hard time with me dating so early. You know your kids and what is right for them.

 

Being divorced he has the "luxury" of kid free time and can have a relationship without including his kids for quite some time. My guess is that if he feels the relationship is worth it down the road, he will change his attitude and want to share everything with you.

[imissdow]

don't have a lot of advice. I have dated several guys but my kids have only actually met a couple of them and only once was it actually planned.  I tend to be pretty open with my girls about what I'm doing and with whom.  However knowing a name and actually meeting are 2 totally separate things.

 

I did briefly date a guy who wouldn't even answer the phone if he was with his kid. Honestly it kind of bothered me, not that I really wanted to intrude on his time with his son.  He however had no qualms about calling when he knew I would be busy with my girls. I did realize pretty quickly that I didn't like his keeping us in totally separate spaces with no plans on his part to include me or my kids in anything involving his son. I also dated a guy for several months and never met his daughter, that however never really bothered me.  He did share pictures and events she was involved in and I was pretty sure in time I would have met her.

 

I would be extremely hesitant to have sleepovers. I have 2 older teens and a almost 10 year old.  They are way to aware of everything and I would need to be extremely secure in my relationship before I would even consider that.  At this point it seems that won't be a issue  anytime soon. 

 

I do have a couple really good single guy friends, one of who I still date casually. My girls have met them and are not the least bit bothered by them.  I fact they see them regularly in social situations and are comfortable enough with them to start a conversation.  I don't introduce my girls to guys I date but for what ever reason these  guys have stuck around long enough to meet and even become friends with my girls.  I did not plan or encourage any of this it just kind of happened naturally. 

 

 

[Abitlost]

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[Guest TooSoon]

Admittedly, I haven't read this entire thread again, but @ABL,  I, perhaps because we're long distance and there's no way we're not sleeping in the same bed when we're together, I/we chose to sleep always together in the same bed no matter the configuration - my house, his house, all the kids, one kid, three kids, in airbnbs on the road trip we took this summer.  I also didn't put my daughter in this situation until I was absolutely sure this was going to be long term.  I am, of course, careful and proper about what a child or adolescent sees or doesn't see, but I felt that it is important, in a long term committed, relationship, to model intimacy for our children so that they have some knowledge of what a healthy, loving, committed, adult relationship looks like - especially as our children haven't had that for a long time, so that they know what it looks like and where their place is in it.  It would be far worse, in my mind, to be caught in some sort of lie that confuses and upends them still more.  That's just me though. 

 

I understand where you are coming from.  Just call me a hussy....

 

Truly, though, in the end, I think the best anyone can do is what feels right and timely for them at the moment, reassess together as needed and move forward together as a united front. 

 

[Abitlost]

I am, of course, careful and proper about what a child or adolescent sees or doesn't see, but I felt that it is important, in a long term committed, relationship, to model intimacy for our children so that they have some knowledge of what a healthy, loving, committed, adult relationship looks like - especially as our children haven't had that for a long time, so that they know what it looks like and where their place is in it.  It would be far worse, in my mind, to be caught in some sort of lie that confuses and upends them still more.

 

 

That's exactly what I was trying to say stated in a more eloquent fashion. Thanks, my fellow hussy

 

abl

[Guest Mel4072]

I've been with the same man for almost a year. We've been engage almost 6 months. I wish therI were a manual or guide book. When I read about break ups, it scares the crap out of me! I don't want to lose this one. He amazes me more and more every time I see him. I'm blessed to have fallen in love again.

Good luck to you! My fianc? sleeps over at my house. It's just natural. We snuck for the few months and then he told me that my daughter isn't stupid and we should stop hiding. So, he sleeps in my room. I don't have any answers or advice. But I can say"good luck"! And don't hold ex BF words against another person. 😊