The battle of heart vs. mind

[Jess]

Something I have come to realize is that a lot of my progress is dependent on knowing when to know what my heart is saying, know what my mind is saying, and to choose which one I should be listening to. The problem is the third part of that- knowing which is actually right and blocking out the other. It feels like depending on the circumstance, either could be right for any situation. A couple personal examples:

 

What happened: Joe said a couple weeks before he died he was concerned about his health. I said "Do you need to see a doctor?" and he said "No." I dropped it. He died.

What my heart says: I should have forced him to go to the doctor. What kind of crappy wife lets her husband not go to the doctor when he is expressing concern? I could have saved him.

What my mind says: Thousands of those identical discussions happen between spouses every day and no one dies. Even if I had forced a grown adult to make the right decision and go to the doctor, there is no guarantee we would still be alive. Life cannot be lived holding myself accountable for what I know in hindsight.

Determination: My mind is right, but my heart won't shut up about it. Oh guilt, I know I shouldn't have you, but I do.

 

What happened: I developed feelings for someone very early out.

What my heart said: I really like him, grab onto to happiness and see what happens. I still have a life to live.

What my mind said: Are you insane? This is way too soon. Avoid it.

Determination: I listened to my heart and have a wonderful person sharing my life now.

 

 

I feel like I see a lot of people here struggle with this same battle on so many different facets of widowhood. I notice that I gravitate towards choosing whichever side of each issue will make me happiest and will result in the least amount of regret, but is that necessarily the right litmus test?  I don't know. Just talking out loud a bit this morning about some things I've been thinking about.

[Mizpah]

When deciding between heart and mind, perhaps it's best to go with your gut.

 

 

(I'm continuing the metaphor, but in reality, though I also use words like heart and mind and gut and soul, I think it's all words for brain.  We contain contradictions.  We understand so little - barely even ourselves, if that.)

 

I think your criterion is a good one!

[Neverthesame]

Jess,

 

I don?t comment much anymore, but your post caught my eye. For me, my decisions have always been based on mind vs. heart. I?ve always looked at things in regards to what I wanted verses what I needed and made a decision. The thing is grief messed everything up?.it made me second guess everything. On top of that, I lost the one person that I could talk to and depended on for help in my decision making.

 

When my wife died I suddenly had to make all the decisions about my life, my kids, my home, job and everything else without the one person that I depended on. Grief had me where I couldn?t tell what was coming from my heart and what was coming from my mind. It really took a long time for things to kind of level out where I could feel semi-comfortable with making all the decisions on my own and knowing the consequences were mine alone.

 

I waited six years to date, BUT I married the first woman that I went out with 11 months after our first date. I struggled making that decision just like I did all the other decisions that I had made the past six years. I questioned whether I was in love or just tired and lonely and grabbing on to someone that provided relief. Two and a half years later I can see it?s one of the best decisions that I ever made. I?m happy and I have that help mate back in the decision making process.

 

Figuring out the mind vs. heart thing while grieving is rough at best. But, I like the way that you recognize there can be some potential danger and take the time to evaluate the information from both places.

 

Bill

 

[Torn]

I understand & what you mean.

  My heart says I should consider at least meeting for coffee with a lady to simply talk.

  My mind still keeps me devoted to my deceased wife.

  Difficult stuff when dealing with missing her.

    At some point I've gotta try to meet another person to share life with,I'm to alone.

[Guest TooSoon]

My turn. 

 

.

[donswife]

this post timing was perfect

I have been struggling with both my mind and heart

I feel like I should be able to at least take my wedding ring off =mind

but I just can't =heart

I am still not able to even think about someone other then Don in my life =heart

and I know he's not coming back=mind

I am still in love with him so this post made me feel OK about that

and when my mind and heart are ready Ill know it in my gut

thank you for this and glad when you were ready you found someone

[Neverthesame]

I want to amend my last comment a little. I used my relationship as an example because it was the latest decision that I?ve had to make, but grief really affected all my decisions.

 

A better example came early on. About two years before my wife died we bought a new van. It was loaded with power everything because I wanted her to have things as easy as possible. A few months after she died I decided I wanted to get rid of the van and get a new truck. I looked around, talked to dealerships and took test drives. In the end I kept the van because it was the smart thing to do. I guess I realized that I was just looking to change anything, do anything, to try to make the pain of grief go away.

 

I can see now that grief really messed with my mind. It always left me trying to decide if I wanted to change things in an effort to feel better or leave them the same to feel close to my wife. For me, learning to feel comfortable again in thinking through things and making a decision was one of the hardest parts of dealing with grief.

 

Bill