Just realised something

[Silwe]

It's been a while since I was actively aware of how long it has been since his death. But just now I thought back to it, and realised with a pang that it's been two years and five months, which is one month more than we were together. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

But I know I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately for moving on so quickly... I seem to be all confused about how I should feel about his death. It feels like I'm not sad enough, as I'm so happy with new guy. I'm deeply in love with new guy, and I think we fit together better than my deceased fianc? and I ever did. It's as if him dying let me find my true love, and I feel just horrible writing that out. I don't know if it was good at all to write this, my guilt seems to just increase with everything I say....

It's just that since his death I've found so much new - new friends, hobbies, new love, new experiences. I started studying something new and I love it there despite all the stress school is causing me at the moment.

Am I a horrible person for thinking that if I was given the chance now to turn back time... I wouldn't take it?

[ieh21]

You are incredibly lucky to be feeling this way. Embrace it and be thankful but no need to feel guilty.

[Guest TooSoon]

No, you are not a bad person and should not feel guilty.  I've driven up and down this same road over and over again in my head for the past year.  I made my peace with it by acknowledging that I'm not the same person I was when I met my late husband so long ago.  My experiences have changed me and helped me grow and understand my needs and what I want love to look like going forward.  Had I not known him, I wouldn't be the person I am now or have that insight.  For what it is worth, I would not turn the clock back either, though I know it feels like anathema to say that. 

[IfIonlycould]

I feel just horrible writing that out. I don't know if it was good at all to write this, my guilt seems to just increase with everything I say....

It's just that since his death I've found so much new - new friends, hobbies, new love, new experiences. I started studying something new and I love it there despite all the stress school is causing me at the moment.

Am I a horrible person for thinking that if I was given the chance now to turn back time... I wouldn't take it?

 

I don't think you should feel guilty at all, and thank goodness we have this safe place to come and share our true feelings.  Many wids who have recoupled have shared here that they feel that the new love is a better fit, and many have said it is because the person they lost to death was the right fit then and the new person is the right fit now.  I agree. 

[Portside]

....... It feels like I'm not sad enough, as I'm so happy with new guy. I'm deeply in love with new guy, and I think we fit together better than my deceased fianc? and I ever did. It's as if him dying let me find my true love, and I feel just horrible writing that out. ......

Am I a horrible person for thinking that if I was given the chance now to turn back time... I wouldn't take it?

 

No, absolutely not. I was unhappy in my previous marriage due to my late wife's mental issues but I would have never left her. But having said that, her passing allowed me and my children to find a joy and peace which was impossible when she was with us.

 

Don't feel horrible - you've been given a second chance to be happy. Grab it and enjoy it. You were true to your late fiance' while you were together but, he's gone now. You aren't. Live a joyous and full life as best you can without recriminations.

 

Best wishes - Mike

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

I can sure relate. I was very happy to be free of my husband's mental issues. And since I suspect that he faked his death, I can only surmise the feeling is mutual on his part with respect to me. But I think we're both getting to the point where he, in his respective location and I in mine, can laugh at all this now. All the folly of it.

 

With respect to feeling guilty about feeling good, it was always up and down with me. I was elated that I didn't have to walk on eggshells anymore, unfortunately, I could not stop recreating the horror of living that life in my  mind after he apparently suicided.

 

I admit, I was extremely affected by all this, probably not in the norm. But I suspect what will happen with you is that you will go through bouts of euphoria and bouts of missing the good habits you had together desperately. I did. Probably to the point where I completely forgot everything that was ever good about us - to the point where the good existed only in the mists of time and imagination, and the bad and dreadful was all I would embrace, for so long. Because of the feelings of guilt.

 

So anyway, my recommendation for what it's worth is let yourself, if you can, have all your feelings. The glad, the angry and even hateful, as well as the love, the memories of what was good and beautiful, when they emerge as well. Even if the good things only existed in imagination, it was your late spouse  who elicited  this imagination and these dreams of happiness and fulfillment.

 

I guess I'm finally getting to the point where I can finally start seeing the whole relationship again, as I was, as he was, and as we were when it started. I remember the mighty propulsion of humor and friendship that helped this whole enterprise to take wing and land in the land of dreams... California, to remember everything we ever were together before it somehow took a turn in the twilight zone.

 

I guess I feel if we are allowed to fully acknowledge all the hurt and pain and disappointment, and even some of the darker feelings, we will sooner be able to permit ourselves to remember and even honor everything we ever loved about them.

[Mizpah]

Am I a horrible person for thinking that if I was given the chance now to turn back time... I wouldn't take it?

 

No!!!  First, it just means that you've coped well and have created a new life for yourself.  But more importantly, that question is just futile self-torture (and I'm talking to myself as much as I am to you).  I have a daughter who's about a year and a half, and DH has been gone 4 1/2 years.  Every now and then, I feel like I "shouldn't" miss him, because missing him means I wish he wasn't dead, and wishing he wasn't dead would result in me never meeting my daughter's father, and then she'd never exist.  I mean, really, someone slap me!  This is insane!  And yet our minds take us there. 

 

I'm glad you're happy.