When and how?

[sakeraki]

When and how am I going to enjoy my sons again? I was able to enjoy them when they kept waking up every hour and a half as infants, when they projectile vomited on me, when they discovered the power of the word "no". Right now my sons are a chore, and I don't remember it being like this.

 

The small victories are not rewarding. The shit moments, of which there are plenty, frustrate me more than one ought to be frustrated with a toddler and a preschooler. The good moments that should bring me some satisfaction feel no different than unloading the dish washer. And this is not how it was before. I became a father with the full intention of being a good one, hopefully a great one, I can't find that inspiration anymore.

 

Maybe because I became a father fully intending to share this with their mother. Doing this alone is all work and no fun. I feel horrible. If she were here without me, she would have continued to be an involved, sweet mother, as always. Now instead of coming home eager to be with the kids, I just sigh and go through the motions until they fall asleep.

[Trying]

I think that in the early months it is very common to feel this way.  Raising children alone is difficult, you have to redefine your role as a parent at a time when you are at your weakest.  Be patient with yourself, it will come around in time. In the meantime just continue to meet their needs, hug them, cuddle them, say all of the loving things you always said.  Even if you you arent feeling it, go through the motions and the day will come when you have the emotional energy again. 

 

My kids were older when my husband died, our youngest was 9. I started watched the Tonight Show on the DVR from the night before, in the evenings after dinner with him.  We would cuddle on the couch and laugh together and it required no effort from me but made him feel like I was there with him having fun.  It helped us until I was ready to be more engaged, otherwise it was all chores and to do lists and my impatience.

 

You are a great Dad but these are extraordinary times.  You will find joy again in parenting.

[trying2breathe]

Agree with Trying, parenting small children is monumental for two parent families, to do it solo can be extraordinarily tiring and difficult.  Can you find some time for yourself, and get a break now and then?  Could a teenage neighbor help with dinner and bath time?  An extra set of hands could take the edge off and take away some of the drudgery.   

 

I remember early days when my kids were tiny, I would hand over baby daughter to DH and say take her, it's been a really long day with short people.  I look back now and think that I missed some of those joyful moments, I think it's a natural feeling for many parents.  From the details of your post and the concern that you show, you sound like a great father. 

[Virgo]

We didn't sign up to be solo parents, but now that is our reality. You don't remember it being this way when they were younger because it wasn't.  Your wife was beside you through the ups and downs of parenting.  It wasn't solely your responsibility.  You gave each other a break when you were mentally or physically exhausted. 

 

Do you have family that could care for the boys for even just a few hours a week?  You need some time to yourself.

[hikermom]

Thank you for your honest post. It is still so early in your journey as you try to figure out your changed world. For me, finding joy or pleasure in the first year and a half was elusive. The most I could ask for with my daughter was clarity - I had incredibly clear moments of how I should be with her, how to respond to her grief and anger, how to be her mother. The rest of the time was moving through a fog that thankfully blanketed me in a protective sheath.

 

That fog lifted and it became painful - in some ways more painful than the early days because I was no longer cocooned by shock (my husband died suddenly while biking as well, although his was a medical issue). I'm now more than 3 years out and it have moments of joy as a mother. I still feel that I'm just getting by and not thriving as a parent. The stress of having to do it all on my own is heavy - financially supporting us, emotionally supporting us, logistically supporting us - it is overwhelming. When that is the case, finding the joy in the little things is both necessary and seemingly impossible. Each joy is also painful because it is not shared with the one other person who would have found complete joy in the little things.

 

I don't have easy words for you but can feel it slowly, oh so slowly, returning. Give yourself time and be patient. You are doing a great job - just being there for your children is huge. It will start to come back but you can't force it.

[Captains wife]

You are doing a job meant for 2 plus working so it is completely understanding you feel this way-sorry things are so challenging right now. My son was 9mths when I suddenly lost my husband and I worked full time so the first 2 plus years I was really struggling and it was a slog to get through the day. I too felt limited joy so I get what you are saying. You have a lot on your plate with 2 little ones and it's very demanding. As they get older and less dependent on you for every little thing, it will get easier. My son is 4 now and the joy of parenting has been returning for me. I know it's not the same as dual parenting but somehow we make it work. Wishing you all the best and widow support. Please take help when you can get it and give yourself a break once in a while....you are indeed doing a great job in being there for your children.