at the end of my rope

[Trying]

Those of you who have been around have heard my stories about my oldest son too many times.  He is 19 now and was just beginning his senior year in highschool when his Dad died.  He has had a very hard time and a complete personality change in the past 2 years.  He went away to college last year and failed out.  He spent a semester at home, had surgery on his should from a swimming injury 2 years in a row, went to some therapy under force by me.  He thought he was ready to return to school this fall and I sent him with fingers crossed.  All semester he talked about his classes and sounded like he was doing very well.  Well, he came home saying he got all Bs but didn't want to go back because he is miserable.  After almost 2 weeks of pushing to see his grades he admitted he failed all but 1 class.

 

He is a complete mess.  He refuses therapy and I learned last year that forcing him to go does not force him to participate.  I have told him he needs to get a job ASAPand start paying his own way.  He has grown his hair and beard to an unruly mess in the past year and a half and I told him that adults looking for jobs must present themselves with a neater appearance.  He stormed out to go get a haircut and job hunt today, supposedly.  He makes it impossible to help him because of the lying. 

 

I can't stop crying, I'm fighting with NG, upsetting my other 2 kids and feel so fucking alone.  I have let way too much slide because he seems so fragile and broken and I'm scared to death that by being tougher on him I may lose him completely.  But at this point I have no choice,  I can't sit back and watch him throw his life away.  If he doesn't get a job and take some responsibility I don't know what I'm going to do.  I can't handle this by myself any longer. DH would never have allowed this to happen.

 

I need advice from anyone who has helped an older teen who has completely lost direction.  How can I support and encourage him without enabling his self destructive and disrespectable behavior?

 

 

[canadiangirl]

Trying, I am really sorry to hear of this setback - I cannot imagine the stress.  Sending you virtual hugs and courage. 

[widowat33]

Trying,

Mine are younger and I know you asked for advice, but I just wanted to send you a hug. You have been so helpful here, one of the firsts to respond to anything I post, I'm sorry I can't do the same.

I didn't go to college until last year, when I was 33 years old. I wasn't ready, is it possible he's not either? Maybe he just hasn't found something he enjoys yet. I did work, but to be honest I lived rent free at my parents until I got married. I really had no direction in life either, or very many responsibilities until I had kids. Now that I've found a program I enjoy, I actually look forward to school, I am quite sure I would flunk out if it was something I didn't like.

It's hard to be tough on our children knowing they have faced such a huge loss and I know that's why I'm easier on my kids than I used to be. I also know my dh would not want me to let them use his death as an excuse to get away with undesirable behaviour, so it's really hard to find that balance between being empathetic but also strict.

Do you feel like sitting down with him and having an honest conversation might work? He's old enough that he might understand how this is impacting his future, and also the effects it's having on you. Of course not in a blaming tone, but what if you were to tell him that you are so worried about him that it's having a negative impact on those around him as well? As I've said mine are younger but usually when I talk to them about how their actions effect others it seems to help, because most of the time they don't realize it.

Again sorry I can't be more helpful, just wanted to send you some support. Kids can be so difficult.

[Trying]

Thank you both for your input and hugs.  I have told him many times I don't care if college is not his path but he needs to be productive.  His father never finished college but was an incredibly hard worker from his teens and became very successful.  He's depressed and angry at the world and has zero self esteem or respect for anyone. 

 

I would love to see him do some kind of physical or outside work or even join the military, I think he needs some good old fashioned hard work to focus on and be proud of.  He won't listen to any type of reasonable conversation, he turns everything around to "poor me, I'm a loser and a disappointment, everyone looks down on me" which gets me worked up.  He obviously is in a bad emotional state but part of me thinks he is milking it because he knows it tugs at my guilt and sympathy.  I need to be stronger and not give in to my fears and anxiety.

 

For now, I am a big puffy, snotty puddle who has disappointed my 11 year old because I can't leave the house tonight.

[Abitlost]

((((Trying)))) I am so sorry. I completely understand your frustration and feelings of despair. It is hard to say what is going on: a learning disability, work ethic, attitude, grief. The lying may be about not wanting to disappoint you and letting himself go may be a nonverbal way to communicate that he is not okay. Of course you are in a far better position to judge his needs, but perhaps he is trying to say he is not okay being away from home just yet, not ready to take care of himself or be responsible? Perhaps he could stay at home and go to community college, taking a light load, and return to comfort of your home for a year or so? He has had his world rocked and may just need a little more coddling to get his bearings.

 

Are there any grief support groups in your area? Here there is one that goes up to age 21. My kids never responded to therapy because there was nothing pathologically wrong with them, but they got a lot out of support groups.

 

Hugs,

 

abl

[Abitlost]

Another thought...is he into computers/coding/tech? In one semester he could get SolidWorks certified and get a job making very decent money...

[Trying]

He wants nothing to do with community college and honestly I can't afford to throw any more money away on classes.  He has no interest in computers what so ever.  He is so down on himself that he has no interest in anything besides his summer lifeguarding job which is too many months away.  I'm fine with him staying home if that's what he needs but his depression will only get worse without some structure and purpose.  Counseling, grief support and medications have been offered and firmly refused over and over. 

 

I wish he was young enough to send off to military school!

[Abitlost]

How about getting a job at a gym with an indoor pool? He could work on getting a personal trainer license or maybe getting certified to teach classes like spin, etc? Maybe exercise and being in that environment could help his depression?

 

Just some thoughts...

 

abl

[Trying]

I love the idea of personal training and have brought this up to him.  I would love to see a spark of enthusiasm about anything. So far, no sparks.

 

I have been such a mess over this situation and I really need to snap out of it.  I'm crying non stop, my 11 year old needs me to be stronger and more present, I'm arguing with NG, all I want to do is stay in bed.  I ruined New Years Eve because I couldn't pull myself together.  He needs his Dad here to kick him in the ass.

[serpico]

My first reaction is that he needs some tough love, but I'm not exactly sure what form that should take since I don't know your circumstances. It sounds like he is using grief as a shield, and though you are doing it lovingly, you are indeed enabling him from what I'm hearing in your post. He needs to take responsibility for himself, and I think it's time for him to sink or swim. As bad as thinking about him sinking has to be, could it be much worse than it is now?

[Sugarbell]

I do not have experience with this as a parent.

 

But I do as a sister and my brother went through something very similar at your sons age. I am just throwing a few things out..not sure his situation..but things I learned from my brother (and he went from homecoming king/all state athlete in high school to flunking out of college twice-and numerous stints in jails and psych wards.

 

Has a doctor ruled out a chemical imbalance? Most mental illnesses trigger (esp in young men) around his age.

 

Do not allow him to use his Dads death as a crutch ...try not to enable him to be helpless. (My Mom did this with

My brother)

 

Regardless of whether it's a chemical imbalance, poor coping skills or just immaturity/growing pains-he needs structure. It's why so many young kids aren't emotionally ready for the freedom of college. Simple things like going to bed around the same time, getting up early..household work is a start. My brother always did better when he was busy working at any job...it kept unity in his life and routine.

 

And college isn't for everyone. Don't know your son-he may decide to go back to school at 21 and make a 4.0. Or college may not be for him. Any kind of work will help him..help him figure out what he wants to do with his life. I am sure he's angry-mostly at himself and probably has a very fragile sense of self right now. Work will help give him a purpose build him up. And lifting weights and exercise greatly helped my brother.

 

I maybe totally off base and none of these things may pertain to your situation. Just throwing g out ideas. I am really sorry you are dealing with this-it can be isolating and gut wrenching at the same time.