Completely freaked out

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm in England with adp.  I've had an intense two day Christmas with his late wife's family, three days at his parents' house where health issues make the whole scenario stressful and now three days at his brother's house which has been ok but his brother's wife, well, let's say she has an edge to her and is not subtle when she thinks, for example, that `i'm not being a good mother.  I've also been sick the entire time we've been here and have not had much time alone with adp at all since we arrived.  Plus it has been full on with M the entire time we've been here and she's been a handful.  It has been hard.  Fun sometimes but I won't lie - it has been very hard to feel scrutinised, to feel like I have to play a role.  And we go home on Monday.  I'm not sure what I thought this was all going to be like or what to make of it all.  Its no one's fault.  Maybe I should have anticipated how intense this was going to be.  Not sure why I'm writing this - maybe because I feel awful that I completely lost it last night (weeping, unloading, etc).  Maybe because I feel foolish for thinking it was all going to be picture perfect and some parts of it have been.  Mostly I think I've realised how much I just want the rest of the world to leave us alone and let us - the five of us - me, adp, and the children - just live our lives without the input of others or the shadow of the past.  I'm not ashamed to admit how hard it has been and I don't really feel bad about it and I know we are ok but wow.  Thanks for lending an ear. 

[Captains wife]

Sorry, that sounds like ALOT of extended family time and under less than desirable circumstances. Chapter 2 is admittedly not easy...and complicated by a number of factors. I too have felt in dating a divorced guy that I am being impacted by shadows of the past. Hope the last few days of visit gets brighter and that you guys get some alone time.

[Trying]

Wow, that sounds overwhelming!  Blending at the holidays is a challenge to begin with and you are trying to squeeze it all into a quick visit. I hope you find some alone time before you head home.

[MrsDan]

That's a lot. I'm sorry it was so overwhelming. I also hope you're getting some alone time. I think there's always a bit of scrutinizing that takes place when the relationship is newish or there hasn't been a lot of interaction with the ILs. Add widowhood to it, and it all must be too much.

[SoVerySad]

Sending you tight, tight hugs TS. Meeting all those new people along with the hustle and bustle of the holidays must have been very intense. No wonder you got overwhelmed. What stuck out to me in your post was feeling like you wanted adp and you and the kids to just be alone together. That says it all. The stress hasn't come between you two at all - it is external and now you have all those firsts behind you. It truly only matters what you and adp and the kids think. That's all. It sounds and looks from the photos like that time together has been good. I loved the one photo of adp and M. It really showed how much they care for each other.

 

Remember, it doesn't matter what role others expect you to take or their judgments - it only matters how you both feel about each other and blending your lives in the way you choose to do so. We've learned through being widowed how we are alone as we go through things - that we have to find our way on our own. I'd like to think we should take that lesson and use it positively in the next chapters of our life by realizing we shouldn't worry about what others think as much. If we have to do the tough stuff on our own, then we also get to decide for ourselves what new directions our lives take and the ways we will find happiness again.

 

I am sorry you didn't get more time alone with adp. I know the time you spend together is so precious.

 

More hugs for you and M. Hope to hear from you soon. Safe travels home!!

[Guest TooSoon]

Thank you all so much for the support.  It means the world.  Adp's brother's wife just seemed to take one look at me to decide she did not like me and made no secret about it.  At first I thought it was all in my head but adp agrees she had some kind of issue.  Initially I thought maybe it had something to do with his late wife but in fact they never even met.  We think maybe it could be because I am American (some people just dont like Americans, go figure.....) or that I am a mother (she is not - I've experienced this with a female colleague at work).  I don't know, nor do I care much.  There were also several comments by various people that indicated they are worried about "losing" him - and I guess we represent that possibility.  I know my own parents had that anxiety at one point, though they've come around but largely because we're most likely going to make our home in the US.  Anyway, you are right - we are ok, better than ok, and that's all that matters in the end.  Thank you again for being here when I need some reinforcement.  Now that we're back at A's house, all I can think about it how much I do not want to leave tomorrow!

[Abitlost]

((TS)) Just remember, the only thing that matters is how you and adp feel about each other. Enjoy your time together!

 

abl

 

[Guest Mel4072]

So much family time... It is tough on the psyche. I really missed alone time with my Ch 2 over the holidays. We saw each other a lot but mostly around family. I had to remind myself that it was our first and that subsequent would be different. We've since spent a little time alone and that has helped.

Hang in there!