Chapter 2

[Alexswife]

I think I'm ready for mine. I have always said that I would never remarry but watching my grandma die changed my mind. She was widowed young and never remarried. If I could ask her anything I would ask her if at the end of her life she regretted never finding someone else to grow old with.

 

I don't want to have that regret at the end of my life. I will always, always, always love my sweet Alex and God knows that I would give any and everything to have him back but that is not happening.

 

I have no desire to go out and 'date' a bunch of guys. I have a lot of faith and I have been praying really hard that if it is God's will to send me someone else that He will. I trust Him with my life.

 

Y'all are the first people I have told about my desire to remarry. I type this with tears streaming down my face because I feel guilty about even thinking about leaving Alex behind but I know in my heart he will go with me no matter where this life leads.

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs, Alexswife.

 

Yes, Alex will always be with you.

 

Maureen

[WifeLess]

Alexswife,

 

I have always said that I would never remarry ... I have no desire to go out and 'date' ... I feel guilty about even thinking about leaving Alex behind but I know in my heart he will go with me no matter where this life leads.

 

I can relate. At 8 months, I posted this on the old YWBB about my deceased wife:

 

"Wherever I go, whatever I do, she is with me. And so I never feel that I am leaving her behind. I see her smiling with me when I am up, encouraging me when I am down, laughing at me when I do something dumb. As she did for so many years in life, I'm sure that in death she still wants the best for me. And so she is guiding me towards happiness."

 

And at about my one year point, this included guiding me into meeting fellow YWBB member Bluebird. Despite not dating throughout my first year of widowhood and believing I never would, we fell in love almost immediately, and our love grew much deeper with time. Two years ago we were married and now share an incredibly happy life together.

 

I hope your new road leads you to similar love and happiness. And in case it helps with the feelings of guilt you mention, I posted this early in my relationship with Bluebird:

 

"My love for her is deep and genuine, and completely without guilt with regard to my [deceased] wife ... we often feel, or at least like to think, that our departed spouses had a great deal to do with our getting together. Despite their illnesses and tragic deaths, they wanted us to have as happy a life as possible, and so found for us the perfect person to share ours with. It's a beautiful thought."

 

--- WifeLess

[Abitlost]

Loving again will never diminish your love for Alex. You deserve to be happy AW!

 

hugs,

 

abl

[MauiMermaid]

I have no desire to go out and 'date' a bunch of guys. I have a lot of faith and I have been praying really hard that if it is God's will to send me someone else that He will. I trust Him with my life.

 

Y'all are the first people I have told about my desire to remarry. I type this with tears streaming down my face because I feel guilty about even thinking about leaving Alex behind but I know in my heart he will go with me no matter where this life leads.

 

(((Hugs, Alexswife))). Your post brought tears to my eyes. It made me happy to hear. Like you, I had no desire to "date". None. I met someone by accident and we just connected. Serendipitous. Keep your heart open, it was meant to hold much love. Our love for our husbands will never, ever leave us. Like Wifeless mentioned, we carry them with us every single day. Much love to you, as always. xoxoxo

 

 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it?s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

 

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

 

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

 

[sojourner]

 

Oh, sweetie- just want to say, you do no wrong, and you break no vows in this. Therefore, while I empathize with your mixed feelings, in all truth there's honestly not any call for guilt, and I truly hope you can let go of any feelings of that. You do no wrong in desiring you be granted a new life partner. If anything, it honors your life with your Alex, and I mean that. It doesn't mean you're forgetting him in any way. I think it's a good thing, and add my prayers to yours for the desires of your heart.

[MrsDan]

I understand, I think you know how much I do. We are on a similar timeline and held the same attitude about dating for a very long time. So maybe it will help you to know that I have met someone, things are going well, and I really feel very little if any guilt. I love Dan and you love Alex. I know how you and I've suffered. You don't suffer like we have when you don't love someone. And yet I love NG, and continue to fall deeper in love with him. Does it diminish my love for Dan? No. I can't explain it but it doesn't. Does it make things better? I won't lie, for me it does. It gives me something to look forward to, brings me happy emotions, instead of unmitigated pain.

 

I like getting texts in the middle of the day again from someone who's thinking of me. I like knowing someone thinks about me a lot. I like him telling me how beautiful I am. I like being attracted to someone who's attracted to me. I like having sex again. I like laughing again. Should I feel guilty about those things? Well, they're human, and since when do I have to be anything other than human? I will love and grieve my husband for the rest of my life. What I've been through, no person should ever suffer. If it's not enough, I don't know what is.

 

[Alexswife]

I understand, I think you know how much I do. We are on a similar timeline and held the same attitude about dating for a very long time. So maybe it will help you to know that I have met someone, things are going well, and I really feel very little if any guilt. I love Dan and you love Alex. I know how you and I've suffered. You don't suffer like we have when you don't love someone. And yet I love NG, and continue to fall deeper in love with him. Does it diminish my love for Dan? No. I can't explain it but it doesn't. Does it make things better? I won't lie, for me it does. It gives me something to look forward to, brings me happy emotions, instead of unmitigated pain.

 

I like getting texts in the middle of the day again from someone who's thinking of me. I like knowing someone thinks about me a lot. I like him telling me how beautiful I am. I like being attracted to someone who's attracted to me. I like having sex again. I like laughing again. Should I feel guilty about those things? Well, they're human, and since when do I have to be anything other than human? I will love and grieve my husband for the rest of my life. What I've been through, no person should ever suffer. If it's not enough, I don't know what is.

 

You've always seem to get how I am feeling. It brought tears to my eyes to hear that you have met someone and have something to look forward to. It gives me hope. Thank you.

 

 

[MrsDan]

A,

I'm glad my post helped. Honestly dating was very weird, but not because I was widowed, but because it was something I hadn't really done much of before, since Dan and I got together so young.

 

I will tell you also that NG is very understanding of my grief and accepting of Dan and the life I shared with him.  He has told me that he thought they would have been friends (I agree). I asked him how it was that it doesn't bother him that I talk about my inlaws so much, more even than my own family. He said he just figures I have really good people in my life and that's awesome. I asked him if my memorial tattoo bothers him. No, he said, he thinks it's aesthetically beautiful and how awesome that it's also so meaningful. He has tried to assure me that Dan did not drink to escape me, that he was chemically dependent. I've shared Dan stories, both positive and negative, and he has always been very understanding.

 

I am telling you all of this because my sense is that the right person for you will be respectful of the love you shared with Alex. And I wanted you to know it is possible to find someone like that.

 

Honestly the weirdest thing about when I started dating was that I did not feel more conflicted.