Alexswife

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I've been doing fairly well lately. I've even been able to look at the future without so much dread. Well, today I crashed. I've felt the emotions building in me these last two weeks but I've pushed them away and thought of happier times. I got a text today telling me that one of my friends had a baby boy. I went from being excited for her to being completely shattered. I was at work and unable to hold my tears back. We always dreamed of having a little boy. We were going to name him after my sweet Alex. He would've been the best dad. A dream we never saw come true. I miss him everyday but on days like today I just want to crawl in the bed and hide forever. He was so healthy. We were so happy. Everything was brand new, life was just getting started, we still hadn't unpacked from the honeymoon, there were still wedding decorations left in our closet. We had just begun and it was all over in the blink of an eye. My whole world ended. It's been almost four years and I still can't believe its all over.

Thank you all for your support. Today has been awful but coming on here and reading your comforting and hopeful words have helped me. Around 2:00 today (that's the time we got married) I had a panic attack. I didn't even know what time it was but when I looked and saw, I knew what brought on the panic. My body knew what time it was. I wish more than anything that I could look into his gorgeous brown eyes and tell him how much I love and adore him. For the first time ever, I want to watch our wedding video. Praying that watching it doesn't set me back in my grief. It seems like yesterday and forever at the same time since I joined this group. Y'all have been the best support system. Thank you.

Thursday will be four years since our wedding day. We never even celebrated one anniversary. I have been doing alright. My future is looking brighter and everything was going fine until... I went into our house and found our honeymoon suitcases. My wedding jewelry is in my bag. So many memories came rushing through. My favorite time ever was our honeymoon. We made so many special memories that week. It's still hard for me to think about that time without feeling like I can't breathe. Four years ago, I was getting ready to be his bride. Now, I'm entertaining the idea of chapter 2 and cleaning out our house. It has been a LONG journey and has taken me a long time to be ok. But tonight I sit here crushed. I miss who we were. I miss him. I miss us. I miss our life. I always will. He was my best friend, my world, my everything.

I'm so sorry.

So sad. The pictures they are flashing all over the place of her grieving are breaking my heart. She was truly in love.

My cousin just posted on the horrible FB that she is pregnant with TWINS. I always wanted twins, it was my dream. I don't understand why some people seem to have it all and I have nothing. My Alex is gone and my dreams went with him. I met his brother for lunch the other day. It was the first time I had seen him in over two years. He looked almost exactly like Alex. It took my breath away to see him. So many memories just flooded my mind. I'm so over everything tonight. I just want to sleep.

You've always seem to get how I am feeling. It brought tears to my eyes to hear that you have met someone and have something to look forward to. It gives me hope. Thank you.

I think I'm ready for mine. I have always said that I would never remarry but watching my grandma die changed my mind. She was widowed young and never remarried. If I could ask her anything I would ask her if at the end of her life she regretted never finding someone else to grow old with. I don't want to have that regret at the end of my life. I will always, always, always love my sweet Alex and God knows that I would give any and everything to have him back but that is not happening. I have no desire to go out and 'date' a bunch of guys. I have a lot of faith and I have been praying really hard that if it is God's will to send me someone else that He will. I trust Him with my life. Y'all are the first people I have told about my desire to remarry. I type this with tears streaming down my face because I feel guilty about even thinking about leaving Alex behind but I know in my heart he will go with me no matter where this life leads.

Today is the day we bury my sweet grandma. God has allowed me to be strong in front of my dad so I can take care of him but a soon as I hit the bed I fall apart. Mostly because she's gone and I just long to talk to her but also because of the memories this while thing is bringing back from Alex's funeral. Last night we left the funeral home for the last time. I remember how I felt when it was the day for Alex, when I knew the next day would be the lat day I would ever see his earthly body. It's the most heartbreaking, lonely feeling. Last night my dad was feeling the same way about his mom. My heart is so broken for him. Please pray and remember us as we move through this difficult day and in the days to come. I know tomorrow will be the saddest day yet. The people will be gone and reality will set in.

After a long, painful battle my sweet grandma passed away last night. We knew the end was near and I had told everyone that I didn't want to be there when it happened. I was there, it was the most peaceful thing I have ever witnessed. If anyone was ever ready to go home, she was. Our hearts are so broken though, especially my dads.

The scream I let out when they told me he was gone. The scream I let out at his visitation, at his funeral and many times over the past three years. That scream is the saddest sound I know. I've had nightmares all week. My dad was missing and I was on the front porch screaming, on my knees, just like when Alex died. In another nightmare I was just walking around and fell t my knees screaming. Why are these nightmares reoccurring? I need sleep. Tomorrow is Sunday and I have to play the piano. If I don't sleep the notes on the page get all blurry and it's hard for me to see. I am scared to close my eyes though. I'm scared of hearing that scream again. My grandma is doing a little better. She's still not well but still hanging on. Watching her lay in her death bed has made me think so much about my future. She was widowed in her 30's, never remarried but did have two kids. I want to ask her so bad if she regrets never getting remarried. I've always been anti dating but here lately I have the fear of being alone at the end of my life just like she is. She has a great support system of kids and grand kids. I will have nobody. I'm just so confused lately. I know this post is random but I just needed to vent about these nightmares. Maybe since I let it out I can sleep and not hear the screaming.

Yep and always will.

I've been trying to post an update but my laptop has been acting crazy so I couldn't. The night after we did all of the singing and praying we went to see my grandma and she seemed to be improving. She was carrying on small conversations and seemed to comprehend everything she was talking about. Although she was screaming out in pain because of her head and her hip where she had surgery. Then we went Friday night and she seemed even better. She talked the whole time we were there. We didn't make it to see her yesterday but the lady she is staying with said she ate a whole turkey sandwich for lunch yesterday. Which is impressive because all she has been eating is mashed up food because she can't swallow well. The doctors told my parents that if her brain stopped bleeding she could survive this. I am cautiously optimistic that maybe it has stopped and that is why she is improving. I know that God is able to heal and to bring her off of this death bed but I don't want to get my hopes up only to have her get worse again. It has been such a long emotional week. Thanks again for all of your support.

I hope y'all don't get sick of me posting updates. I just have to let my thoughts out somehow and this feels like the only safe place. We went to visit my grandma tonight. It was me, my parents, my brother and his family. We took our Church song books with us and sang around her bedside. It was really quite beautiful to watch the peace come over her as we sang about the Lord. She tried her best to sing along. I did ok while we were singing but there were moments when she would just freeze and I would think, "Is this it? Is she dead?" I've never been there when someone died before and I really am terrified that I will be there when she passes. She is not doing good at all. She would holler out for her brother who has been dead for years. She kept hollering for my dad. It's so sad. My heart is so broken but she is tired. If God takes her home, I won't be mad at Him. She is tired and she is ready. I don't want her to go but I don't want her to suffer either. Please keep praying.

She has stopped eating and drinking today. She was barely doing both of those things before so I know she has to be dehydrated. The hospice social worker came by today to talk about funeral plans. My dad refuses to make any plans while she's still fighting. He is so sad. Please, please pray.

Thank you. I finally got up the nerve to go see her yesterday. It was much harder than I thought. She didn't really remember me. When I got ready to leave I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her. She grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and held on to me for the longest time. It felt like goodbye. If she keeps holding on I will go see her again this week. My heart is aching for my dad. I know his heart is so broken. Thanks again for all of your support.

Thank you all for your continued support. She had a good day on Friday. She was even able to eat some soft foods but yesterday she was unresponsive all day again. They sent her home with hospice care. My faith is helping me handle all of this. I have heard her say on so many occasions "why won't He just go ahead and take me." I know in my heart that she is tired of fighting, she's ready to go home. Thanks again for always being here for me. I will keep y'all posted on her condition.

Thank you all for your support. It means so much. She woke up today. Said she was starving but they will not let her eat. They want my dad to sign a DNR. It seems like a dream. I decided to work today instead of going to the hospital. They have run test after test on her. They were talking about sending her hOme with hospice and then she woke up so now I don't know what the plan is. Thanks again for your support. Please continue to pray for my family, especially my dad. My grandma was widowed in her early thirties and never remarried. I know she misses her Bennie. If she passes, I am sure she will finally be whole again.

It's 4:00 in the morning and my parents just left for the hospital. She fell almost two weeks ago and hit her head. She was just released from the hospital on Tuesday only to go back last night. They found that her brain in bleeding and there is nothing they can do for her. I am torn. I have never had to be the 'strong' one. When Alex died I fell apart and my family just let me cry, scream, do whatever I needed to. Now I need to be there for my dad but I'm not sure that I know how to. I am torn between going to work today to distract myself or going to tell her bye. I didn't get to tell Alex bye. I don't know what to do. I wish he were here to help me through everything.

Some of you may or may not remember that I was thinking about giving, or renting, our house out to my brother and his family. I have decided that is the best thing for me, them and my parents. See we all currently live in the same house and it's just too much. I can't afford to live there by myself so this was the most logical choice. Anyway, A LOT of emotions have come up. I haven't actually moved anything yet but I guess my brother got sick of waiting on me because he started painting this week. I have been furious. I wanted everything to stay the same until I was ready. But will I ever really be ready? It's been over three years and seeing the painted trim tonight made me lose it. I am still so broken. While there tonight, I found the receipt from our last meal. I saved that thing and I found the sweetest card that has shattered my heart yet again. He was so good and I miss that. I have the best job. I love it but it doesn't give me true happiness. I have a great family and faith that carries me through but nothing could ever make the pain, the emptiness of losing Alex go away. The inside of the card says, "All I want is to grow old with you...to watch our life unfold, our dreams, one by one, come true. All I want is to love you forever." My heart ached because he never got all of the things he wanted.

I had that feeling all weekend. Sunday morning when I woke up the first thing I did was grab my phone to call him and tell him about a dream I had. Then reality sank in. I hate reality.

I don't know if I would call this the best out of the blue thing he did but this is the memory that came to mind when I read this post. One day he was off work because it was raining so he drove his grandma around to run her errands. He called me and we talked for a while on my lunch break but he didn't mention that he was anywhere near my job. That evening when I got off work and went to get in my car, I found a rose propped up against the steering wheel and the sweetest card laying in my seat. He was a hallmark man. He was always putting the sweetest cards in the most random places at the most random times. He could find the best cards, ones that really expressed how he was feeling and who we were. I miss him.

That's terrible. My FIL got up and ruined Alex's funeral. I will never forget the way he made me feel when he did that and the disrespect he had for his son.

I went this morning for my dream interview and I let my nerves win. They didn't seem too impressed with me. I will know something soon. I'm ok though. I've somehow survived getting engaged, married and widowed in nine months. If I can survive that then I can get past the letdown of not getting my dream job. I just wish Alex was here to catch my tears. I miss him so much. Thank you all so much for your encouragement and support. I will let you know something as soon as they call.