Widda's guilt

[Guest Mel4072]

In a couple of months, it will be 3 years that I've been a wid. I'm engaged. Been engaged for 6 months. I'm a single mom to a beautiful 16 (almost 17, going on 30) year old girl. I've also married off my 2 older sons and become a grandmother since his passing. (Wonderful grand babies)

I've dated. I fell in love again. I want a life with him...like, every day.

I went back to school last year at this time. I finished last month. I'm certified for a career to earn more money and make me feel more complete.

I feel guilty.

For wanting more...

For wanting someone, rather than the emptiness in my bed. For wanting sex.

For working on my career, even though it benefits my kid.

For not doing more for my grown sons. Spending more time with them... Etc.

for wanting to update my house and buy new furniture.

For wanting to have a mid life crisis and buy a really cool car, instead of the little Honda Civic that gets great gas mileage.

I can't say that I've done anything wrong or bad, but I can't seem to shake the guilt that entered my life when my LH passed.

Sure wish it would go away....

(PS. Just posting this makes me feel guilty.)

[Guest TooSoon]

Guilt is useless and unproductive.  Ive heard you say before that you fulfilled your vows.  We all did.  We did not walk away when cancer became nearly life threatening for more than just the person with cancer.  I know I made some mistakes along the way but we - meaning we the caregivers - were strong and loyal and stayed strong and loyal until the end.  What spouse could ask for truer love than that? 

 

What has helped me most is to decide what matters and focus on that.  Do I want more?  Absolutely.  Do I want better than I had before?  Even more so.  And I believe Scott would want that to be so.  He told me that's what he wanted.  If not that then what? 

 

Every now and then I feel a pang of something like guilt when I am vain or when I am jealous or when I plunge into self-pity, but that guilt like feeling is one I would have had widowed or not when I find myself not being my best self. 

 

Be happy.  We've had enough pain and guilt and loneliness for several lifetimes and maybe don't buy the sports car but do be kind to yourself.  xoxo

 

PS - congrats on finishing with school! 

[Guest Mel4072]

Thanks TS! You have been a rock for me! Always supportive and understanding!

[Mizpah]

Guilty for living when he was denied that?  Or guilty as in feeling like you're disloyal for re-investing in life, and for feeling for someone/something other than him, in his absence?

 

I understand it logically.  I expected it.  But it never happened.  Maybe it's because I feel self-pity, my least favorite trait in anyone, including myself.  I've always felt that the accident that killed DH happened to both of us.  I know it's different, and maybe even offensive that I think/feel that, since I'm alive and he's dead. 

 

I don't feel guilty.  At all.  If the accident had never happened, in a room of models, billionaires, and geniuses, I would've seen only him.  I was destroyed by his death.  My life, my self. 

 

He never got to be a father, and I am a mother.  He never got to achieve his American dreams of moving to the country and having a yard (urban immigrant), and I have done that.  Etc., etc.  I can and he can't.  But I can't do it with him.  So I feel no guilt, because that was my first choice, my only choice.  I've been forced into this.  I've embraced it fully with gratitude, but it was not my choice.

 

My feelings can't change your feelings.  But maybe hearing that someone feels no guilt will let you absolve a tiny tiny portion of yours. 

[Trying]

I have guilt about how some of my choices have affected my kids or about not being fully present for them at times, especially in the first year. But as far as living my life, moving, going back to school, and falling in love I don't have guilt. I think if I wasn't taking steps forward, if I was letting his death permanently destroy me, I would feel guilty. He would never want that for me and it would dissapoint him. I just attended a seminar and one of the lectures was on self compassion and self forgiveness. It's easier said than done but one of the suggestions was to try to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend.

[Sugarbell]

No guilt....because well he's still around and we talk on occasion (Yeah yeah...I know most don't buy into it-Seeing is believing with me)

 

Although...tonight...as I was stripping wallpaper that we put up together...and seeing bathrooms torn apart and renovated I felt nostalgic and had a tinge of guilt. I thought "He loved this house...we were so young and excited when we decorated it and I am tearing it apart to be different"...

 

But then...he spoke to me "Del..the place is almost paid off...Take the money from the house and GO! You know I am a snot with education-Get the kids out of here!..... but take the flower beds rocks...I got us from the mountains...those can go anywhere".

 

And then it was gone. Any guilt I have is short lived and its always been kid related. I never give any thought to DH when it comes to NG. I love him romantically, earthly love. I don't think romantic love exists on the other side. It's a purer, spiritual all encompassing kind. Like family, romantic, all of it rolled into one big ball of light.

 

Sorry...I just had a moment with him this evening with wallpaper😄...And it was on my mind.

 

Don't feel guilt. Live in the Moment and Embrace what you have!!💜💙