I'm Not Ready

[Mr C]

At almost two years, I don?t feel anywhere close to being beyond active grieving. I am sort of getting used to being alone and don?t cry that often. Yet I still feel my mind and body searching for her. I miss her so much and even though I mostly accept it, sometimes it still shocks me that she is gone.

 

The windows throughout the house are getting replaced this upcoming week. It is quite the undertaking to have to clear out space for them to work. It is good that it is making me pick up and get rid of some items. Our room has been a mess ever since she passed. I had brought three boxes of pictures and placed them in the middle of the floor, where I sat looking through them for days. They have stayed there ever since with items cluttering around. There is much within the bedroom and bathroom that I have not touched, leaving items where she last put them. Her robe hangs on the bathroom door, slippers are by the bathtub, towel drapes over the end of the bed and her purse hangs over the corner post. The chair by the window is full of the laundry she last did, still waiting to be folded.

 

Today, I put the boxes of pictures away?through many tears as I longed for those happy days within. This gave me the access needed to begin tackling the clothes on the chair. The first couple of clothes I placed in a box to keep. The third item was just a plain sports bra. As I placed it with the other articles it hit me, "I?m still not ready."

[SoVerySad]

Sending you tight hugs, J. I recently finally finished clearing out our home and it is sold now. It took me so long, because some days I just couldn't make myself go and do it. When I did go, I usually lasted for about 2 hours max until I had to leave. Friends and family couldn't understand why it took me so long. I realize it was terrible financial management to pay for two places for so long, but I wasn't ready either. We do the best we can.

 

In my situation, I can tell you that I don't feel any less attached to T since I got rid of most of his belongings and live in my new place. However, I was just thinking this afternoon that my new bedroom is really pretty the way I have it fixed up. It has some things from our former home combined with new things I bought. It turned out lovely... and I don't enjoy it at all really. I like to look at it, but not spend my time alone in it without T. So if still having those items of your C's there gives you comfort, don't push yourself. If they become more painful than comforting, then you'll be ready.

 

The power of the pictures is amazing and I am so thankful for every single one I have. I found some old photo strips from a booth on the Boardwalk from our first trip together to the beach when we were teens. T loved those pics and carried a strip of them in his wallet for many years. We were so young. I'm going to try to find a nice way to frame them, despite them showing their age.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, J. I really do understand as like you I still feel married. Sending you more hugs...

[Amor]

Mr C

So many things you said resonate with me as well.  I am 1 year 6 months out.  I am not ready for my Love to be gone.  I came home looking for him but he was not home.  No feeling of his presents.  I wanted so much to have some part feel that he is around even if it is in his things.  I am holding onto his things mostly as he left them in the house.  Having and holding his things, pictures and memories are what we have left.  I cherish those things.  My soul longs for him wishing so much he was here.  I am truly not ready.  I hope that we can have peace. 

Amor

[Jen]

(((((((((HUGS HUGS HUGS)))))))))

 

I wish there was some way to make this transition easier for us. I have this notion that other cultures do it better than we do. I don't think it's right that it's left to us wids to process so much of this by ourselves. I'm not sure any of us are ever ready...