I'm sorry but this sucks

[MrsDan]

And it's long. DD had a slight fever last night. Third time in six weeks. Since she was also complaining that her mouth hurt, and I get cold sores and have one now, I took her to the doctor. She has strep. Awesome. still have the last cold that she gave me. Rush over to the pharmacy, who makes me wait until I can get there with my insurance card, which they explain is expired. Rush home to meet the Comcast guy, because I've been without Internet for a week, because I can't take off work so they can replace a bum modem. Spend the day nursing DD, who insists I watch Dora with her, which I totally fucking hate, while stressing about things in my amazing relationship. Then after she goes to bed, I had to wrestle my 60 lb dog into the tub for an antibiotic bath for some nasty skin infection she has. It has to stay on for five minutes. She jumped out. Wrap that business up.

 

All this seems like a shitty enough day, but then there's all this trauma shit that makes it a million times worse. The doctor found a sore in her mouth, and I started to cry. When she was born I had a cold sore, and it was explained to me that by nursing her, I put her life at risk. She stayed in the NICU a week. It was a horrible, terrifying time, made worse by the fact that Dan was an absolute asshole, (because unbeknownst to me, he was drunk out of his mind. At this point, I guess I should take this over to the addiction thread, but fuck it, I'm too lazy, and besides, this isn't just about that). Her cries when they took the strep swab, the news about the sore, it all sent me back there, to a time eclipsed by Dan's death but dammit it was still horrible. Fortunately, the doctor said it's not herpes, just some other viral sore.

 

So I should be grateful for that, and I am. But I'm also very disappointed. NG was supposed to meet DD this weekend. I was also supposed to have a  friend over who's in from out of town. Neither will happen, and now, it will be another month before he will be able to meet her, due to a number of circumstances. And it feels like another obstacle in what is an amazing relationship. A relationship that seems far too good to be true.

 

Last night we had a lovely evening with his dad and stepmom. Then we spent some time together, and he said some of the sweetest things. Told me how much he loves me. But instead of focusing on that, today I was consumed with fear and doubt. Because how can this be? How can he be this amazing? A few things are needling me, things I'm sure there are perfectly reasonable explanations for but because the situation with Dan did such a number on my trust are eating at me.

 

I spoke to my sister about it, and that helped. But I had a revelation, something I hadn't really thought of until I said it out loud to her. Maybe NG seems too good to be true because things with Dan were so hard. Maybe in contrast to things with Dan, issues that existed largely because of his drinking, NG seems all the more amazing. (Although my sister, who has a pretty kind and generous husband herself, is often blown away by stories of NG). But that was a major mind fuck moment. I love Dan. I love a lot of things about him, but a huge part of it just is. I can't wholly explain why, I just do. With NG, I can create a laundry list of the things I love about him. I feel like Dan was a lightning strike; NG is a rainstorm that starts with a drizzle and quickly moves to a downpour.

 

Or maybe it IS simply too good to be true. In which case I am completely terrified. Because I love this man. But I love Dan, but so much about our life, what I thought we had, wasn't real. Or maybe it had been at one time, but alcoholism ate away at it. I don't know. I feel like a dick for een thinking these things about Dan, let alone airing them out in a public forum. But I don't have time for therapy, and I need to process all this, because I don't want the fact that I am still struggling with grief and trauma to destroy what I'm building with NG.

 

Which brings me back to this sucks. I want to feel safe. I want to think things will be okay. But Dan's death and the circumstances surrounding it took that from me. How can I ever trust in anything again? And I'm sick of feeling this way. And I'm sick of feeling bad for being disappointed. Yes I am grateful I got DD to the doctor, and got her the medicine she needs. The important thing is she'll be okay. But her meeting NG was important to me too. Not as important as her being okay, obviously, but still important. There is still so much in my life that is so, so hard. I crave the good, especially now that I have a taste of it again. NG and I don't get as much time together as I would like, and that's just the reality of the fact that we're two busy single parents. I get that. But when additional obstacles get thrown in the way, it's frustrating. Is that okay? Isn't it okay for me to be disappointed, scared, frustrated, and just plain sick of trauma and grief?

[canadiangirl]

Maybe NG seems too good to be true because things with Dan were so hard.

 

But when additional obstacles get thrown in the way, it's frustrating. Is that okay? Isn't it okay for me to be disappointed, scared, frustrated, and just plain sick of trauma and grief?

 

My two cents, yes to both the statement and questions cited above.  It feels very logical to me that this would be how things would roll - I think it's safe to say your trust was betrayed, you took a lot, so it would be surprising, wouldn't it, if you DIDN'T have these feelings.  And it's a real indicator of the love you feel for NG that you can't wait to be together and feel those frustrations when it can't happen- for this, I am so glad for you.  The rest sounds incredibly difficult - I hope your DD and dog recover quickly.  All of your reactions make total sense.  Wishing you the best.

[Trying]

Your brain seems to work in similarly self destructive ways as mine.  I spent too much time in the first year dating NG driving myself crazy with guilt because there are some things in this relationship that are just better than what was with Tim.  I didn't have the added complications of alcoholism, I can't even imagine the ways that messes with your ability to trust, but we had our problems.  I'm at a place now where I am mostly reconciled to the idea that I did love Tim and always will and despite our problems and loving NG, appreciating and expecting more, is ok. 

 

The other thing that struck me was your disappointment about plans getting changed because DD is sick.  2 single parents dating is very tricky and I often struggle with feeling selfish for being upset when kid stuff interferes with the precious little time we get together.  This is one area NG has struggled with more than me, probably because he has 2 kids half the time and I have 3 kids all of the time so it's more often me canceling than him.  I can't tell you how to get over feeling this way because I still do but I can tell you that it doesn't make you less of an awesome mom because your disappointed. 

 

Trusting that you can be happy and that life can be good again will take time.  This chapter 2 stuff can be a complete mind fuck.

[MrsDan]

I've been thinking, and I realize that there are two ways to think about the issues I have with trust. One would be to be more open, and look at that as overcoming my trust issues. The other would be to learn from my past, and be more guarded. I'd assumed when I started dating that I would do the latter, but that hasn't been the case. I'm starting to feel that I should be a lot more guarded with my heart than I have been.

 

I also am starting to think that maybe the delay in DD meeting NG is probably for the best. She has been saying some things that make me think this is not a good time. Things like, I don't have a daddy, there is no daddy when playing make believe. I've been worried that I've sheltered her too much, made her too clingy with me. But I could be pushing the pendulum in the other direction. I think I need to dial things back on multiple fronts, for her and for me.

[Trying]

I am all about being guarded and taking things slowly, lord knows I went to the extreme and waited 6 months before my kids even knew I was dating someone and then even longer before they met him.  I don't really recommend that level of guarding though.  My feelings were apparent early on and I couldn't protect myself from them. I almost lost a very good man a few times because I was fighting the natural flow of the relationship, luckily he is extremely patient and has stuck around.

 

I know how scary this is but you deserve to be happy and your DD deserves a mom who is happy and supported. 

[RobFTC]

MrsDan, I'm sorry for the extra turmoil.  I want to pick out a thread that I can relate to in your post.

 

It sounds like one of the issues you have right now is how NG is amazing and earning your love, but that that's throwing your love of Dan into a "wtf?" spotlight.  Dan was not always good, and Dan's drinking added tons of turmoil to your former life, but you loved him.

 

My oldest brother took his life when I was 30, and it turned out that he did it the day he was due in court on some serious, unpleasant charges. We took his act as a guilty plea, for one, though that might not have been the case.  I struggled for some time with revulsion at his probable misdeeds, my guilt at not being in better touch with him for some time, and the love I still felt for him.

 

I finally worked out that he was still my brother and worthy of my love, despite the disappointment about how the last few years of his life had gone.  My love was about me and my reactions to his best parts, and I didn't have to second-guess my love because of the worst parts.  I have favorite memories of him that I have proudly shared with his kids, to their benefit.

 

So you loved Dan, despite the hard stuff - of course you did, that sounds like what good partners do, and you were good.  If you're taking Dan off a post-wid pedestal, that's OK, and it doesn't need to mean your love for him wasn't real and good.  NG is a different guy with lots of merit, and he sounds real to me, so your loving him is something that can just live on its own.  I know it's easier said than done, but you needn't compare and contrast, you can just enjoy the moment and hope for more moments.  Or to put another way, you can count your current blessings without having to deduct something from the past.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[daysofelijah]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I know how much more stressful everything is when kids are sick. My oldest just got over strep, youngest has a sinus infection, and the middle two have colds. Winter stinks and I can't wait for spring. It's -14 degrees below zero here today! Yuck.

[MrsDan]

Thank you for your thoughts. I think you all make good points. It's a lot of things. One thing that I thought about today is that I think I'm having trouble adjusting to being a new girlfriend. Just dating is one thing; it's so far afield from being a wife. So is being a new girlfriend, but there are enough similarities to make it really confusing. It's so hard to trust in anything after all that's happened, let alone something that's so different than what I'm used to.

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi MrsD, I've been out of town and just read your initial post.  I haven't read all of the replies but I wanted to say that I understand that feeling of it being too good to be true and being absolutely terrified to trust and not understanding how it can be so easy, so right, so consistent.  Last week I finally had to level with myself that the two choices were to try to be honest about my fears and let myself feel safe and trust adp (who has never given me any reason not to trust him!) or to walk away.  I'm going to work hard to confront my fear and allow myself to trust again but it is not easy.  It all seems so ludicrous given the other things in our lives that we've conquered as spouses to damaged, sick people and now as solo working mothers but I understand it and I think it is terribly painful but also normal. 

 

For the record, I'd also like to add that I am so fucking sick of this "process" and would just like it to stop.  Three years is long enough. 

 

I hope you're both feeling better now.

[fairlanegirl]

MrsDan, I have no advice so off-topic but just wanted to chime in and say we are on a very similar timeline and I've read your posts from the start, and was so pleased to see you had found a lovely new fellow and some happiness. Best of luck, bit belated sorry! Hope it all works out, you deserve it.