New relationship concerns.

[daysofelijah]

Background: DH passed away October 2012 (brain cancer). I've not dated at all until this past May when I started seeing NG. I'm 40, he's mid 40's. He pretty quickly asked for things to be exclusive which I was good with. With 4 young kids I don't have a lot of time/opportunity to do a lot of getting out. He also has 2 kids, one lives with him full time and the other half time. We live about 15 miles from each other and see each other 2-3 times a week, usually him coming over to my place. NG was divorced about 2 years ago, separated 4 years. Things seem to go well with us we never fight, seldom disagree, he gets along great with my kids and his kids seem to think I'm alright, lol (they're older teens). He's caring, kind, attentive, almost always the one to initiate contact and time together.

 

The problem I'm struggling with is he wants to move slooow with things. I get that and I agree to an extent, but he has admitted he's not sure when he'll be able to say the "L" word. 8 months into it I'm starting to worry that he's not ever going to. I know he was really hurt in the divorce and wonders if his x-wife of 20 years ever even loved him (she cheated). I don't know if I really want to or even should keep putting time into something that isn't going to go any deeper though. I'm not expecting a ring or a proposal, but I'm not looking for a loveless relationship either.

 

I can admit that my marriage wasn't great. We weren't great to each other, and I want this time to be better. I want a healthy loving relationship. Ugh. We have had a couple talks about my concerns with this so I don't want to keep bringing it up. But the more time goes by I find myself holding back, and even starting to feel resentment at the fact that he isn't able or willing to say this. Or am I overanalyzing all this? Should I just go with the flow and be happy to have the companionship for now?

[MrsDan]

I think your concerns are valid. one thing, I'm wondering: do you love him? And does that make you more or less willing to wait for him to open up to love? (I could see it both ways). Eight months seems like a long time to figure out if it's love. Then again, if companionship is what one is looking for, eight months without an I love you exchange isn't a big deal. It sounds like you're looking for more than that.

 

NG and I have exchanged I love yous, but I still have a hard time gauging where he's at. I feel like he's very invested at times, then pulls back. Like you, we've discussed it and I think I understand what it stems from, but that doesn't make it easy. Our relationship is new enough where I think there's plenty of time to figure things out. Would I still feel that way if things were the sae after 8 months? I can't say, but it would probably be hard. So I don't have any advice but I validate you.

 

[Captains wife]

Sorry Chapter 2 is so tough, especially trying to date as a single parent. I never like to tell people what to do with their relationships but I'll try and offer some advice as I've been in a similar situation. It sounds like you are getting increasingly frustrated, and it's understandable given his (in)actions. But what I've come realize in my many years of dating is that different people move at vastly different speeds when it comes to verbalizing the "L" word and some have a hard time saying it at all, even if they feel inclined that way. It takes me a very long time to say it (like over a year or more) and I have a hard time saying it generally. It doesn't mean he isn't feeling that way and pushing him to say it will not likely go well either, especially as it sounds as though he is carrying some emotional baggage. My personal experience has been that guys can close down if they feel they are being pushed emotionally (as can women). Is he expressing some emotion towards you through other actions/words...do you feel this is a time issue or something is lacking in terms of how he feels about you? If your emotional needs aren't getting met, and you have talked to him a few times and nothing is changing maybe you need to evaluate what you can and can't live with in a relationship. Maybe you guys are a good match in some ways but not on an emotional openness level (I've had this said to me FYI)? It's ok to analyze a relationship but you are good to make sure you aren't over-analyzing it. If you aren't getting any of the emotional support you need and want it it might be worth a(nother) frank discussion with him- about how u r feeling, what you are looking for in a long term relationship (before making any rash decisions so at least if you decide to walk away that you feel you've done what you can)? As I mentioned, I think there is a big difference between a man who needs some time to get to the "L" phase (and for some men that can take a long time) but is expressing his caring and attachment in other ways plus you are seeing some emotional progression vs a man who just can't get to that point as he is so closed off and generally emotionally closed off/cold and not considering your emotional needs. Wishing you all best...I understand how tough this is.

[daysofelijah]

Mrs. Dan, thank you for your validation. I think sometimes I exaggerate things in my mind and dwelling on them makes me over anxious. I do feel as though I love him, but at the same time I feel stifled and unable to embrace that feeling due to his lack of reciprocation, at least in saying the words. I did say it one time about 5 months in, but have refrained from saying it again until he's ready to say the same. It's not fun to say I love you and not have it said back.

 

And Captains wife, thank you for sharing about how I love you's can come at different times and are harder for some to say. He treats me well, shows affection, we cuddle a lot, and intimacy is great, he's very giving in that aspect. His communication is good, texts me good morning every day and at least a couple conversations throughout the day, and as I said we see each other 2-3 times a week. He shows concern for my emotions, he's understanding about the needs of our kids coming first right now, etc. His actions are consistent. He only pulled back for about a week one time 4ish months ago, and he was honest with the fact that his last girlfriend contacted him and had wanted to get back together, so he had a decision to make there, but decided he wanted to be with me. Financially the divorce left him very bad off, whereas late dh's life insurance policies left me comfortable, so there is some imbalance in feelings there, but it doesn't seem to be a huge issue. That's really the only point where we are imbalanced. So overall, yes, I guess his actions show that he at least cares about me, if it's not love yet. And companionship is something I really need right now, so I guess I'm willing to wait it out for at least a while longer. And he does fun activities with me, things I've never done before, like motorcycling, ice fishing, 4 wheeling, fun stuff I am learning I enjoy.

 

I think I'll leave talk of the L word alone for now and try to let things progress naturally for him. It'll be hard with the stupid holiday of Valentine's coming up, but I guess I'm willing to give it a few more months. If at a year he still can't I may have to re-evaluate. Idk I feel like I'm lucky to have him and if this is the only point of contention right now I can deal with it, though it's admittedly getting harder as time goes by. Thanks for letting me ramble things out, helps to sort my feelings out. 

[MrsDan]

The hardest part of a new relationship for me is the management of expectations - expectations of pacing, emotions, together time, meeting family, doing vs saying. I don't exactly remember it being that hard with Dan but then it was so long ago and those expectations were settled so long ago that it's entirely possible that I just don't remember. It seems like your guy is acting loving, even if he's not ready to use the words. That goes a long way in my opinion, althought again, I could see why it would bother you.

[Trying]

I can understand your concerns about him not wanting to say the words especially if you are feeling it and wanting to express it. I think the best thing for your own sanity is to look closely to see if his actions are speaking louder than his lack of words.  We each have our issues after a divorce or loss of a spouse that are unique to our own situation.  If you are feeling loved and committed to than maybe you can give him a pass a little longer.  He is probably fooling himself into thinking that if he doesn't say the words it won't hurt as much if he's betrayed again.  My NG has given me a pass on a few areas because he is confident we have a commitment to each other and a plan for the future even if our timeline and logistics aren't in total agreement right now.  If he forced me to choose his way or the highway, I probably would run because I have my own issues to work out first. 

[daysofelijah]

He is probably fooling himself into thinking that if he doesn't say the words it won't hurt as much if he's betrayed again. 

 

I think this is very much a part of it. Thank you for your insight. I'm trying very hard to look at his actions and not stress about the lack of the words. He is much more of a "doer" rather than a talker. Something the exact opposite of my late dh, who would talk about everything but never get it done. I really like that about NG in many ways, except maybe this one!

[klim]

Daysofelijah ....are we dating the same guy???

 

 

 

Your description sounded so similar...ALL the descriptors , the financial situation and  even the last girlfriend part, but..... our timeline together has been stretched out and is even longer than yours.  I wrote this in another thread but will repeat it here because it seems relavant.NG and I have been dating for about 2 years, the 1st year being slightly interupted( alittle hiatus to reevaluate feelings)I have told my NG "I love you" twice probably about  a year apart.

First "i love you" was met with" be careful what you say, those are very powerful words" and then he told me that all he could say was he cared for me alot. I backed off with the I love you statements....it wasn't right for him. He put a different importance on those three little words, because when I used them I had meant "i care for you alot"

About a year later, caught up in my lovey dovey feelings , I said it a second time. This time he answered "I love you too." As you can guess it meant alot because he doesn't say it casually.

 

I have had some pondering about where will this relationship go because in a way it seems to progress so very slowly and then I think about if I had someone who was eager and wanting to move forward really quickly I would totally be freaked out. Some might say that if you aren't sure after a year that there is "forever  love",you're wasting your time but what I know is ,that for now, he is caring, sweet, fun and makes my life better.

I'm happy to have waited for the "I love you"

Good luck

[daysofelijah]

Daysofelijah ....are we dating the same guy???

 

 

I sure hope not, lol. Thanks so much for sharing your situation. It gives me hope. So sweet to hear that you are glad you waited for the time to be right for him. Things are soo much different and more complicated in this Chapter 2 relationship situation, but I do think that it is worth it, whatever the outcome.

[Captains wife]

I wanted to add that I feel as though expressions of emotions from guys tended to move more quickly when I dated in my 20s and 30s. I feel with life experiences, baggage that this emotional timeline may stretch out for certain people as they get older (including me).  Dating in my 40s, with kids involved, seems sooo different. Of course when a guy said "I love you" on date 2 to me that was WAY too fast lol. I also wonder if some guys equate saying  the "L" word with having to take the relationship to the next level so they really proceed cautiously? I also read some study that women tend to use the L word faster than men, but when men fall in love, they fall deeply.