not my weeekend

[Carey]

Friday was spent in PTSD flashbacks because my son got insanely drunk. He's 16 and I was terrified. Actually scared of him.  I remember sitting on my knees at Chad's grave and thinking the only thing I can think of positively is that thank God I will never have to live through another drunken night. And I dont know what to think of my reaction to Jacob ... but I left.  I always had to leave when Chad was like that. As long as I was there the fight was on. If I'd leave he'd leave the kids alone and everything would be fine and old instinct kicked in.  I had an adult military friend of ours go stay with Jacob and I went and stayed at a friends. But it was a night of turmoil involving sheriff's at my house, throwing other people out, following teenagers and making sure they were really going home and not just lurking around to come back when my back was turned.  I've been xanax free for almost a year and my friend had to give me two friday so I wasn't even coherent much till yesterday afternoon. Today was spent at the ER where I was dragged because my legs are swelling bad, my lungs are full of fluid and I have a history of heart issues and they were worried and I was out of excuses.  I don't know what it did  though because i don't have the $10 to get the prescriptions until friday.  I sit here  tonight and think though, that through all the drinking and rough nights and fights with Chad, he had some inner instinct that stopped him from going after me physically. An instinct I think Jacob is not mature enough to handle.  And I talked to him all evening tonight about the fact that his great grandad, his grandad and his dad all were alcoholics and it's just not something he has the luxury of playing with.  I am SO SO SO frustrated and angry at Chad right now. Life with him was FAR from perfect, but we had food in the house, my kids were so much more stable which is laiughable considering what life with Chad could be like.  I keep feeling like I'm not PROGRESSING through widowhood as much as it seems to just keep starting over   I don't really know why i'm here or what i want to hear I just knew there would be someone here that understands ....

[Trying]

I am so sorry you had to deal with such a triggering episode with your son.  Teenage boys and their volatile reactions can be very scary and with your husbands history you have extra concerns of course.  I have no advice, just wanted you to know I heard your story and am sending virtual support.  Parenting my children through their grief has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. 

[Mangomom]

I am so sorry you had to deal with such a triggering episode with your son.  Teenage boys and their volatile reactions can be very scary and with your husbands history you have extra concerns of course.  I have no advice, just wanted you to know I heard your story and am sending virtual support.  Parenting my children through their grief has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

what she said!!

 

I'm so sorry life is giving you a kick in the butt.  Parenting is not for the faint at heart. ((Hugs))

[lcoxwell]

I am very sorry that things are so difficult, right now.  I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through, at this moment, or how difficult this weekend was for you.  I wish I had some advice to share or words of wisdom to pass on.  Sadly, I have no words, but I can tell you that I hear you and that I am remembering you in my thoughts.  ((((Hugs))))

[Carey]

Thanks ladies ... It helps to have a sounding board.  I mean we can journal and write and get things out, but to me writing is so much better with an audience, to be a sounding board or an "I know how that feels". So many times I want to say things on FB and just know I can't.  Have to make everything look rosy there.  This morning isn't much better... he wouldn't get up and go to school. He keeps doing this to the point I'm afraid he will be held back. My friends who I've been "co-opping" with for lack of a better word (support system/share cooking/carpooling) because none of us are doing well financially ... I normally take their daughter to school and she couldn't go either. So there are three kids at my house which has NO food in it and I feel like such a bonehead for not thinking to take them somewhere else. Life just really is NOT supposed to be this way and I hope ya'll will forgive me for whining.  I feel like I'm indulging in a pity party but I'm just not feeling very strong at all right now.  Feel like a failure at everything I touch