Guest TooSoon Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 I've had one hell of a day. My computer crashed when it got a static shock when I touched it. Can't be repaired. Work won't fix or replace it but I can't do my job without one. My daughter had a 2 hour delay this morning, forcing me to - without computer - conjure an hour and a half class out of thin air. Then, 30 minutes before said class was to begin, I get a call saying (only an hour after she got to school in the first place after this horrific snow situation and 5 minutes after I finally made it to my office) that there was a water main break and the children were being sent home at 1. This was half an hour before my class was to begin. My mother is in California, my father in law is still snowed in, my nice but crazy next door neighbor made some lame excuse why she couldn't have M dropped off there for 1/2 an hour till I could get home, none of the Brownie troop Moms responded when I asked if M could go to one of their houses, and eventually I had to drag my poor Dad away from his business to drive 40 minutes to pick her up, watch her for 40 minutes and then drive 40 minutes back to his office. I taught my class. Then I had to pick up M and go straight to the Apple store and buy a new computer which is emphatically not in my budget right now with crazed blizzard kid in tow and plop down all this money just so I can teach tomorrow. Then a notary came to my house to finish the paperwork to refinance my mortgage but the paperwork told a different story than the one I had understood from the lender and I just melted down because I couldn't make all of the new numbers and configurations work in my head and they were all pressuring me to move fast and was just all too much. In the end I resolved it but it is just too much sometimes. And there were also then all of the shit ton of little hassles each day brings and they all seem so much worse when you're trying to hold the house of cards together. I'm tired. I'm tired knowing I'm so stressed about work that I'm a better teacher than I am a parent. I'm tired of this seemingly endless paperwork and house repairs. I'm tired of being lonely at night and second guessing everything. Just worn out and I need a good long cry right now but I can't because I have to perform in front of students tomorrow for 6 hours but I can't teach confidently if I am looking like I've been crying all night. And I'm feeling that feeling I used to feel of sinking under the weight of it all. And I'm just so tired. Hopefully it is just today but man, the cumulative effects of caregiving and grief are settling in now. I'm exhausted. Thank you for letting me vent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MauiMermaid Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 And I'm feeling that feeling I used to feel of sinking under the weight of it all. And I'm just so tired. BIG (((hugs))). It's just one of those days. This too shall pass. Vent away, we're here for that!! And the quote above... EXACTLY how I've been feeling lately. Sorta like I took a detour back to month 3 or something. Just exhausted... with it ALL. I miss the peace of just having him to truly make it all go away. I miss that feeling so very much. Hope it all feels better tomorrow. Wish I could help! xoxoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Wow, if anyone deserves to vent it's you! When I know I can't afford the luxury of a bid cry I crank up the music in my car and sing at the top of my lungs, it's a temporary release but usually can hold me over. Wishing you smoother sailing tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 I wish I was closer so I could have picked her up for you. That was a lot of stressors for one day and no one to help shoulder the burden. I'm so sorry, my sweet friend. This life is so hard sometimes - truly most of the time now. It is exhausting in many ways and it is so difficult to find time and ways to recharge. Sending you love and tight, tight hugs. I hope tomorrow is better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Thanks, you guys who are always here to support us. My kid is off to school and my class is ready (thanks to absurdly expensive computer purchase that I just have to suck up). Back at it! My boss did something really shitty to me last night, putting something on my plate that is her responsibility and that is time sensitive and related to my application for promotion to professor. It really hurt me because I spent all of last Friday helping her choose the perfect outfit for a job interview she has and I enlisted my suburban mom friends to give her references for getting a make-over prior to the interview. It felt like such a slap in the face after the day I had. I cannot fathom still how she could have added that to my plate after we spoke, in the midst of my trying to find a place for my kid to go minutes before my class started. Why don't women help other women in the workplace? Its a little thing - printing something out, making a few copies and walking it to another building on campus (she lives there; I commute. Her kids are grown and I have a little one) and I can do it but a) it is not technically my responsibility and b) the kind thing (we are friends) would be just to make that one little thing go away for me. It just goes to show the degree to which people do not understand that sometimes, when you're doing what we're doing, one little thing can just topple the whole house of cards. Today is not going to be great but I'm standing and I do feel better knowing that a year ago I just would have given in, given up, and not gone into work. At least I can feel good about being stronger now. Thank you again. I'm not sure my venting is over yet so you may hear more from me...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Missmybecky Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 And I'm feeling that feeling I used to feel of sinking under the weight of it all. And I'm just so tired. Me too! Exactly how I have been feeling for the last 2 months or so, just worn out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Oh man. Just one thing can totally mess up these machines we have so perfectly oiled, so when there's more than one, it's actually ridiculous. "Why, hello, monkey wrench. What's that, you'd like to invite some of your friends along? Well actually I don't think that's a good, oh well here you all are. Make yourselves comfortable." What your boss did was so shitty; it galls me when people pile stuff on others that are already handling so much. I find that happening a lot at my job - people dumping shit on me that they could easily do themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 It just goes to show the degree to which people do not understand that sometimes, when you're doing what we're doing, one little thing can just topple the whole house of cards. People just do not understand how hard it is, and this actually reminds me of kind of a funny story. We traveled an exhibition recently, and I asked one of my coworkers (the biggest offender in terms of dumping things on me) to please give me all the information on it since I was not there when it was installed. After trying to explain it for a few minutes she said, "You know, that was such a strange and hard time; my husband's dad was sick so he went to take care of him and I had to take care of our daughter all by myself." To me. She said that to me. I should have said something, but I was just so shocked that she, who knows my situation, said that to me. I should have said, "Oh I can only imagine how hard that was. No wait, I don't have to imagine because I have been doing that for three fucking years!" BTW, because she did not get me the information I needed I was scrambling right up until the thing went out the door. I almost had to have BIL pick DD up so I could work late but fortunately managed to finish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 A whole lot of this piling things on other people or avoiding dealing with things they don't want to deal with happens ALL the time with administrators at my University, especially dumping on faculty who they seem to forget were hired to teach, do research, yes, serve, but I push way more paperwork than I should. Last year I had a student who clearly had an undiagnosed illness and the associate dean (whose job it is to handle these things) would not help me, at one point telling me I should call him into my office and say, "Have you ever heard of XXX disorder? I think you may have it." Um, I am a Dr. but not that kind of Dr! There were tons of meetings, discussions, emails and I just kept saying, "Someone has to help this child and I'm prohibited by LAW and not qualified to do it!" No one would deal with it but i was having all these meetings, phone calls and emails and I had all these students in the class who were so worried about it. Ultimately I had to refuse to teach one afternoon because the situation in my classroom was so bad and I had 19 other students also deeply distressed about it but that was the only way I could get someone in admin to deal with this poor, darling, distressed kid. So not only was it not my job in that case but as a person and educator who believes this vocation is an ethical thing and not just a paycheck, it took a huge toll on me; for months I lost sleep over this sweet young man. (I should add, before I helped him find help and resolution through the right channels, he wrote a horrific evaluation of me that I didn't see until after I posted final grades but it broke my heart. Once he got help, he came to me so relieved. Now he's my friend on Facebook and posts on my page and comments all the time. Teaching is a joy and an emotional cluster for people like me). The dumping of minutiae and paperwork and all sorts of other things - both insignificant and potentially life altering for our students because it distracts me from what really matters - helping them to learn and grow - is getting worse and worse every year; more responsibility and less support to make it happen, especially when it really matters. Don't get me started.....or sorry, maybe I already started. So this morning I brought the new computer to school so my old hard drive could be loaded onto it and asked about installing Microsoft Office. When the IT guy said, "I can't do that because it is not a University computer; its your personal computer." tears just started streaming. Yesterday it was "I am not allowed to loan you one and we will not replace the one that crashed until the university-wide replenishment this summer." All I could think of was, "Does anyone WANT me to teach? I am doing everything in my power to be able to do my job and no one is helping me!" Eventually he broke down and installed it on my computer but I just couldn't handle one more road block this morning. After that things smoothed out but boy am I worn out. Three years is coming up for me on 2/3. I was hoping I could look at my life and feel good about some of the many good things and feel less stressed and panicky. There's still time but it's not looking promising.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 It just goes to show the degree to which people do not understand that sometimes, when you're doing what we're doing, one little thing can just topple the whole house of cards. I am so sorry it has been a crappy week. Amazing how you got through it - I'd be a mess. ((TooSoon)). Ref your quote above, like others, I so get this. It is my life right now. The stupid little things can become so overwhelming, owing to the years of exhaustion. I keep trying to "deal with" things, get them off my to-do list, and because of the incompetence, Kafka-esque bureaucracy or administrative errors of others, the same things go right back on the list. I feel caught in a strange Sisyphean loop a lot of the time. Solidarity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TormentedTwoStep Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 My sympathies, TooSoon. I can certainly relate. When it's all too quiet, it's amazingly isolating and you wish for change. When it does, it's an overwhelming clusterf*ck of awfulness. This whole widowed life simply sucks. There are glimmers of hope, moments of happy, but everything in between just sucks. But it sounds like despite all the crappyness, you're making each day work somehow. I'd have called in to work and stayed under the covers, even at almost three years out. The fact that you soldiered on is a testament to your selflessness, dedication and resolve. People like you inspire me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I can ask my friend for the link....she is an elementary art teacher in NJ...$10 for office and $25 for the back up disk....can't imagine that deal is not available to you Let me know...I will contact her!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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