robunknown Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 I have been seeing my girlfriend seriously since October. She is divorced with a son the same age as mine (~7). I feel I am overly cautious with my son, and I try to be very calculating in the decisions I make for him. For me I am fulfilling a promise to my DW that I gave on her deathbed to take care of him and put him in the best position for success. For me if he turns out to be a loser I have no one to blame but myself and I failed him and her. For my girlfriend I feel that in her mind if the kid ends up being a loser, she has plausible deniability to herself that it was her ex-husbands fault. I can see this being an issue in future decisions with us. Thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvmy2babies Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 I don't know about you; but I don't have an issue shaking my fist at dh when I have trouble with the children. I told my pastor's wife some days he's wonderful, others he is the little stinker who died on me. But I definitely see where you?re coming from; because society as a whole already intentionally or unintentionally attempts to make us feel inferior. And I put a lot of pressure on myself because there?s no one to check with, consult with, help with various decisions. If it?s the wrong decision it?s mine that?s true. I have tried to bring myself to the knowledge that really sometimes there is no one to blame. You do the best you can do with the knowledge and energy you have. And truth is one or two parents can do that and things still go wrong and if each is trying to do that it doesn?t give either of them permission to make the other the scapegoat for every issue their child may have. Just like we can?t blame every issue our children have on the loss. Not that people don't. I know being a mom in this situation, I see all of the time whenever a child has issues, people comment, ?Must not be a dad in the house.? I even saw an article someone shared on facebook where some supposed expert renamed ADHD ADAH, for Ain?t No Daddy At Home. Like there aren?t plenty of two parent homes where children have issues, including ADHD. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 For my girlfriend I feel that in her mind if the kid ends up being a loser, she has plausible deniability to herself that it was her ex-husbands fault. If this is how you think she really feels, I think it should give you pause. Does it really matter whose fault it is? No. What matters is doing everything in your power to make sure the kid doesn't end up a 'loser'. It just sounds like a weak attitude to me, and it could rub off on your child if she ends up being a step-parent down the road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 My thoughts are similar to Serpico's. The way you describe it, it sounds like the main difference in your situations is that she has a scapegoat and you don't. One of the hardest things for me to make people understand is how difficult it is being the sole person to meet DD's needs. There is no other person who comes close to the role I play in her life. I am the sole decision maker, and the sole person who represents "home" to her. It is a tremendous responsibility, one that is very overwhelming in a way that is very hard to describe. But I don't look at it as having no one else to blame. I look at it as having no one else to support my decision, or no one else to overrule me. People can provide input or validation but frankly no one else's opinion matters as much as the other parent. It kind of concerns me that she views their parenting so separately. Whether she likes or not, she has a partner in parenting. It's not like she parents part of the time, and he parents the other. They are both parents 100 per cent of the time; custodial and visitation arrangements aside. So, if the child manifests some bad behavior, she can't say, it's his father's share of the parenting that caused that to happen. Parenting isn't parsed out so neatly, at least, I don't see how it could be. It also kind of seems that setting her ex up as a scapegoat provides her with a safety net, an excuse not to be the best possible parent she can be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robunknown Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 I think I'm just protecting my insecurities on her in this situation. She actually has done a ton for her kid and made sure in the divorce agreement that there were college funds being made and life insurances with the kid's name as the beneficiary. She is a little more "free range" than me, but not to ridiculous level. She is probably thinking I hover to much, lol. She may have a point. I'll probably bounce things off of close to get some 3rd party perspective on topics asuch they come up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I think there are simply different parenting styles, regardless of married, divorced, widowed, single. I think it's good to be looking at your differences now, you can have some healthy conversations about it before you get to the point of combining households (if that's where youre headed). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I feel I am overly cautious with my son, and I try to be very calculating in the decisions I make for him. . . . . . For me if he turns out to be a loser I have no one to blame but myself and I failed him and her. Rob my man, I think you are approaching this from the wrong angle. Instead of worrying about a negative outcome, perhaps expect a positive one. Besides, what if when he turns out be a winner, are you going to take all the credit? If even you feel you are overly cautious, you are. The kids are going to be what they are going to be as long as you give even just a little bit of guidance during their formative years. Every child, given as close as humanly possible, the same love, care, support and direction (or lack of those items) will come up with their own personal combination of attributes. Love them both without end, cheer their wins, support them when they stumble and provide them enough freedom to be who they are. Two people raising kids each will have some great qualities that should then be promoted - why not strive to select the things you each are great at and provide those for the kids? Sometimes you will need to step forward and be the leader, and sometimes it will need to be your SO. When the other is right, stand back and get out of their way. We all can learn something from one another. Best wishes and Good luck - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robunknown Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 Great advice. Thanks everyone, and thanks Mike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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