Tired of being TIRED

[MauiMermaid]

3 years and I'm just worn out. Done. Over it. Mad. TIRED. Tired of being tired (emotionally, physically, everything). Will I ever find the peace I had with my husband? I've "moved forward", entered a new relationship (which I thought would never be possible), have a new job (which would have been a "dream" job before all this), moved to a new home (an apartment but made it very much my style) and I can still not feel a fraction of the happiness or peace I felt in my "old" life. I'm just SO over it all.

 

Sorry to vent but I just want a f*cking break from this!! I can't stand it anymore. I wish I was in the financial position to take time off work, do something for myself or just plain SLEEP for days straight if I want to. Having a single income is tough. How will I EVER get ahead?!

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Just need to get it all out. I miss my husband and I want my life back.

[Torn]

Yes, I'm sure many feel the same.

  I find myself starving for the comfort I once had aswell,hopefully we all will find that peace & love again..ToRn

[Trying]

It's a type of TIRED that only certain people can understand, many of us here unforfortunately get it. Continuing on, moving forward, making a life for myself is exhausting.

[Sugarbell]

I read somewhere years ago about a hormone called cortisol that when faced with extreme stress--too much of this gets produced (can't remember in the brain or pituarty gland)

 

High cortisol levels can cause extreme fatigue and depression. I always wondered tf that hormone caused so much of my faitque the first few years.

[SoVerySad]

Yes, SB, there are actually 3 hormones that get released when you are under stress. My cardiologist insisted I see a psychiatrist to try an anti-depressant, because he could find no physical reason for my heart to beat as fast as it was even at rest. I am on a medication to slow it down, but it still kept running fast. I was exhausted all the time, because my heart was working like I was running a race all the time. Within a week of starting the anti-depressant I'm on now, my resting heart rate dropped 20+ bpm. Unfortunately, the meds make me tired, but I feel better that my heart rate is better.

 

MM, dear friend, I am also so tired of being tired and sad. Vent away. This sucks. Wish I could do more to help it all feel better than send you my love and a bunch of tight hugs. 

[MauiMermaid]

Love and (((hugs))) to you guys. Thank you for letting me cry to you. For understanding. For just being there.

 

SVS - I hope all continues to go well with the cardiologist and the medication helps mitigate the symptoms. I often wonder how all of this is taxing my body long-term. I've read about cortisol as well and it can do a number to your health. Sometimes my resting HR is 100 when I see the doctor. Tight hugs back to you my friend. Thank you for always being there and offering comforting words. xoxoxo!

[MrsT85]

((Hugs)) MM.  I totally get it too.

 

I've "moved forward" in pretty much all the same ways as you have.  In a little less than three years, I've managed (with lots of help from wonderful friends and family) to carve out another good life for myself.  New apartment, new fiance, a promotion at work, even a new little family if you count the two amazing cats that my new guy and I adopted last June. 

 

But when you said I can still not feel a fraction of the happiness or peace I felt in my "old" life you totally hit the nail on the head.  It doesn't happen as frequently as it used to, but I sometimes feel like I get stuck in that "fight-or-flight" mode (with I image corresponding high levels of cortisol) because of worry or uncertainly or from being just plain angry that the life Tim and I shared and the future we had planned together was ripped away from me. 

 

I miss my husband and I want my life back too

[MrsDan]

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend was talking about being tired, and he said, "Have you ever been so tired that you could fall asleep instantly, wherever you are?" I replied, "Every single second for the last three and  a half years." I really didn't intend to be so direct; it just shot out of my mouth. Because it's been the dominant state for so long, in some ways I've just become accustomed to it. I back tracked a little bit, tried to explain that grief is tiring in a way most people don't realize. But I wasn't being particularly hyperbolic, although it has been a bit better lately, (in large part because of him). But yeah, I'm tired. I'm physically tired, but more and more I'm just tired of carrying a pain that will never go away.

[Guest TooSoon]

A picture of me came up on Facebook "memories" from 5 years ago, a month before my husband was diagnosed with cancer and I looked so young and so relaxed and unbothered.  I have no recollection of myself then.  Who was that person?  I have no illusions anymore - I am going to be weary and tired forever now.  It seems like it is simply part of the deal.  It doesn't make me sad like it used to.  I also no longer try to fight it like I used to.  There is happiness again - lots of it, in fact - but I'm tired.  All. of. the. time.  Micro-tired, macro-tired.  Just tired.  Tuckered out.  At 43.  WTF?

[Jen]

I'm tired all the time. I go to bed tired; I wake up tired. I spend a good portion of the night (usually 3-5 am) staring at the ceiling. At work I run myself ragged; on my days off I can barely pry myself off the couch. Doesn't matter. I'm tired-- I think more mentally than physically. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't begrudge anyone their happiness (I'm actually thrilled for you all!), but I have zero expectation of ever finding any myself. I cry at the drop of a hat-- there I go, tearing up again. Yes, I'm on an antidepressant. I journal. I walk. I'm trying, but nothing fixes this. It's like being chained to a boulder that you just can't get rid of.

[Jen]

A picture of me came up on Facebook "memories" from 5 years ago...

 

I HATE those. I avoid FB stringently because I'm terrified of seeing them. My life with Jim seems like a movie I watched once-- one I really liked, but it's mostly fading away. Memories hurt. There's not much comfort in them, and I don't want to see them. I don't want to see him. He left and I hurt.

[Quixote]

"I can still not feel a fraction of the happiness or peace I felt in my "old" life"

 

100% this.  At over four years, I think people look at me and think I've "moved on" (a phrase I hate, but that's another topic).  Externally, I'm pretty successful--  cracks only showing like the fact I took a year off work following a meltdown.  But I don't advertise that and most don't see that.

 

I've got all that stuff you mentioned, too (with the exception of a relationship).  Dream job, good money, living in the beautiful country with all the animals I ever wanted.  But she's not here, and that makes it all seem hollow.

 

Truth is, I feel sad pretty much all the time.  Usually it's a background melancholy, sometimes boiling over to screaming at the universe for being a wretched place that killed the best person in the world.  Sometimes I sleep all the time, sometimes I can't get back to sleep at 3am.  No matter what, I usually feel tired.

 

Don't have any answers, sorry.  But you're not the only one who feels like this.

[Guest oneoftwo]

"Externally, I'm pretty successful"

 

Yep, 2 kids graduating from great universities in a few months,  youngest one will be heading out to college next year.

Animals up the wazzu-  dogs, cats, sheep, chickens, horse.

Good job, mortgage paid off.

 

it would be so great to just spend some time with some "adult human male" 

 

External does not always mean things are A OK inside. I get that

 

 

[twistedmensa]

I have long bouts of sleeplessness and my circadian rhythm is completely out of whack. I don't know what it feels like to not be tired. I have no advice for you, as I'm losing the battle, but I totally get it.

[MauiMermaid]

Thank you all for sharing your support and understanding. As comforting as it is to hear I'm not alone, it makes me sad that so many of us continue to struggle so much in this journey. I crave the feeling of true "peace" in my life again. That feeling of recharge after a restful sleep. That feeling of being alive and refreshed after a vacation. I'm moving forward and "living" but it sucks the battery level down every day that goes by. I can recall what "problems" felt like before when my husband was here. Just being with him, knowing he was there, a simple hug would give me peace during the toughest of times. Even in a new relationship, I don't feel that same "release".

 

I'm beginning to feel as though this will just be my new reality for always. Despite having a seemingly fulfilling and satisfying relationship, a good job, a new home - I just have to learn to cope with this exhausting "empty" following me. It's like a mental jail of which you can't escape.

 

Found a lump in my breast and going to get a mammogram next week. Part of me is terribly scared and then part of me thinks - well, ok, maybe I'll just end up closer to where he is. I know that's a terrible way to think of it but my mind is so warped now. I've been crying so much more lately. I've become a pro at holding back tears, especially around others. But lately it's been unexpected cry sessions in the middle of a work day. I just miss him so much. SO much. I wish I could have even a few minutes with him to feel that warmth and peace again - even if it's fleeting.

 

Thanks everyone for listening and caring. xoxoxo