A Post

[donnak]

this is one of my first posts on ywbb brings back lots of memories hard to believe this nov will be 5 yrs since i lost my dh lots has hap

my husband passed away in november of a rare form of bladder cancer and heart disease we met middle age both of us divorced me with 7 children him with 3 i raised mine alone he raised his alone of course like most people we had are share of relationships but then we found eachother the first day we talked on the phone for 4hrs we talked everyday to eachother we were married and spent all our time together our children were all grown except my son who was a teenager my husband became ill in june 2010 cancer of the bladder he had 3 operations but it kept comming back the drs said he had the insides of a 80 yr old man he was in so much pain muscle spams all the time he went from being a healthy 200 plus down to 100 lbs or less he ended up with a bag finally the only choice was to operate chemo or radiation would not work so he had his bladder removed he did have a heart attack on the table but was revived we came home after 10 days in the hospital everything was going ok till he started not to feel well he hardly ate before but was a little bit but now he couldnt eat at all finally we went to the hospital where we were told the devasting news the cancer had spread through his body hearing those words almost killed me my family was devastated he started to have heart attacts during the day getting worse each time he was in constant pain couldnt eat or sleep the chemo dr said they could try chemo but he didnt give it a chance the heart dr told me he was not going to make it that was on saturday he thought he was going home on sunday he ended up in icu everyone was there they all seen him i spent the night like i always did in the morning i tried to get him to eat but he couldnt he drank some juice i told him i was going to talk to the family i went to talk to them for a short while till we heard the dreadful code ill never forget that the dr came in told us he had a massive heart attack and was on machines they wantedme to sign a dnr which i never would before or he wouldnt either his daughter and me talked and my sister in law and we decided he wouldnt want to live that way it was the most pain full decision i ever made now i feel so quilty because i left the room and he was alone when he coded it kills me everyday i donnt know if hell forgive me because i cant forgive my self we all went in there and said are good byes he died a short time later its been so hard we did everything together i cry every night because i miss him so i have so many feeling of anger and loneliness if i did the right thing by signing the dnr i dont know i never want my husband to think i abandonded him my heart is so broken thank you for listeningpened since then some good some bad but ive had all of you right beside me watching my back being here every step of the way i just finished reading all my old posts hit alot of emotions bringing back some tears and a few laughs im so glad we have this new place now because i dont know what id do without you guys by buddies on the board and in chat well here it is my first post on ywbb.

[donnak]

ok its a little mixed up with the post sorry im not good at this stuff not computer savy

[Baylee627]

It's alright, sweet lady. You did just fine! Thank you for sharing this.

 

Baylee

[Guest Kamcho]

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[lcoxwell]

Don't worry if you didn't write everything, or say everything the way you might have wanted.  As Baylee said,

 

It's alright, sweet lady. You did just fine! Thank you for sharing this.

 

I cannot imagine how hard it was for you, or for anyone else here, who might have had to make the decision to sign the DNR.  Thankfully, my Kenneth and I had talked about it for a very long time, and he took the decision out of my hands by signing a DNR at all the hospitals that he might potentially be seen in.  I think your husband knows that you did not abandon him, and I think he knows you loved him. 

[HvnBound]

I had two different documents the last few months of DH's life, one paper said to try everything to save him, he signed it in Dec 2011 and then another that said DNR, signed in March 2012....I kept both with me at all times hoping and praying I never had to use either but I never did since his heart failed. I admire those of you that had to make that tough and horrible choice. (((DonnaK)))