Taking on too much?

[Trying]

Around this time last year I was feeling very unmotivated, like I was going through the motions and getting the basic things done but nothing more.  I decided I needed to take some action and be more active in my pursuit of happiness and fulfillment.  I started making changes and taking on new challenges.  I bought a house, sold our own home, downsizing and purging a lot of our belongings.  I went back to school, full time classroom for one program plus a separate on line certification program.  I have one son struggling who has now quit college, another son graduating in June who I've been helping with his college search.  My 11 year old who is active and busy with school and sports.  I'm in a wonderful chapter 2 relationship that requires time and attention to nurture and grow.  When school is done in May I am looking at opening my own business and doing a complete career change.  Oh, and I'm doing some major renovations on the new house this spring.

 

I'm writing it all out because last night NG pointed out to me how much I have taken on and hearing him list it all was an eye opener. No wonder I'm stressed out!  I'm really happy about the move and about my new career path but maybe I have taken the whole "life is too short" thing to the extreme.  Lately I have been missing DH so much and the partnership we had, the way he was so capable.  But I am realizing now that I never tackled so much at one time when he was alive.  I think he would be completely shocked to see all that I am trying to do.  He would probably talk me out of a lot of it. 

 

So I find myself in the span of a year going from feeling stagnant to this crazy, chaotic life full of change.  Now I have to figure out how to find a happy medium, somewhere in the middle where I am challenging myself and growing but also taking the time to just enjoy life. 

 

How do you find balance in this new chapter of your life?

[klim]

Not sure......but sounds like you are doing amazing at the upping the happiness and fulfilment end of things. You may have taken on a lot but sounds like you have succeeded in the things you added to your plate. The chaotic pace that you have been going should subside a little when you  reach a new status quo. You probably have a busy year ahead , with setting up the business and getting sons in order....but the move is done, your schooling is done , the newness of NG is becoming comfortable and if your son gets off to uni, there'll be one less boy around the house and one more step forward for his independance....all that should help with keeping things calmer.

 

The only thing I see on the things you listed ,that you could possibly put off to help with the calmness is the renovations.....but you probably want those cause their fun.

 

As far as missing DH, stress will bring that out. Sharing the load was an important part of being a couple. I know with NG there are certain things where he is a support person but it's not like we share the load, it's like he knows I'm dealing with a heavy load and he props me up, if that makes any sense. Right now my kids are mine( i think they always will be because of there age) and my house is my house, and my financials are mine alone. When I'm dealing with those things he can only prop me up.

 

I myself, seem only capable of changing little things to mix up the routine a bit. The home is the same, the job went from part time to full time but that's it.NG and I proceeded very slowly, not adding stress, so I don't  if that's how I found balance but that's what I've done.

 

Anywyas good luck and as I mentioned  sounds like your moving forward, hopefully to a new ormal

 

[Guest TooSoon]

Typing this on my phone so advance apologies for typos.

 

This all sounds very familiar, and we are along the same timeline, too.  This summer I got a bee in my bonnet that it was time to get motivated and really start rebuilding my life.  I mostly invested in my work but also started projects, like emptying out my husbands art studio and purging in general. I got my eating issues under control, applied for a promotion and. Boat load of grants.  it is true though that the more I do, the more I take on and while that's a good thing, I've also realized that I am tired.  Happy but exhausted.

 

Adp just left after a 10 day visit and I have to admit I w.appreciated the symbiotic sharing of tasks and also the company, getting out of my own head.  I'm proud of what I ve managed to accomplish but I freely admit that I'm ready for a full time partnership where I can just relax sometimes and not worry constantly, let someone else lift some of the burden, have that person tell me that it's all going to be ok, is ok.  Holding the whole operation together for so long all alone has worn me out but I can't imagine not continuing on this forward trajectory of making choices, goals, commitments and following through.  We just hVe to remind ourselves sometimes to give ourselves a break every now and then (which I write from an AirBnB in Philadelphia where I sit in my pajamas with my daughter at 11 am.........no rushing around this morning!)

[Sugarbell]

I get all of this..

 

I am too tired to write much out....But I get it. I am on emotional and physical overload. Even for me.

[Trying]

Sadly enough my 11 year old had a total melt down last night and once he calmed down enough to talk a little he said he hates how I have changed everything.  The move across town, me going back to school and NG.  He has been the easy one and it seems I have underestimated the effect of all of this change on him.  It's so hard to know what is right for my kids while I'm trying to figure out what is right for me. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Not sure this is going to make you feel any better but I have no real idea how the choices I make are understood by my daughter as she a) doesn't tell me or b) it comes out in some incomprehensibly weird way unrelated to a specific event or incident and I just don't know where it is coming from (and she won't tell me).  I just keep going, trusting that my constant presence is the most important thing.  I just keep telling her I love her.  Did she enjoy the concert I took her to last night thinking it would be a great Mommy/daughter out-of-the-norm bonding experience?  Not sure.  Did I enjoy it? Questionable.  But I tried.  I stuck with the program. 

 

You are their constant, steadfast presence.  Other changes come and go but that - your constancy in their lives - never changes. 

 

Sending you a ton of empathy.  I live it 24/7. 

[Sugarbell]

It's funny Trying...my NG has been saying the same thing, but he knows I need to do it. Over the weekend, I was too tired to deal with anything social...he didn't come up till last night (per my request) My weekend consisted of driving hundreds of miles back and forth between  two towns...shuffling kids...in between house stuff, laundry...I was absolutely worn out. He came up last night, made us dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. Because he knew....I was ready to collapse.

 

Splitting my kids into 2 counties/schools/homes...working 50 miles away from home one way..starting new job, spending 2 nights a week in town I work (staying at my folks house,my Mom stays at my house on those nights with my younger 2)--Contractors in and out of  my house...selling my house, worried about my kids at different schools.

 

My boys are handling it great...they have baseball, etc..and I am on the go constantly. My daughter had major meltdown this morning...Crying "I don't want you down there and me up here...This is getting stupid"

 

I will be up there Tuesday and Wednesday..back here Thursday...home Friday and Sat...back here to return my oldest for practice Sat evening...Sunday home..Monday start over.

 

I told NG "I am not a very good girlfriend right now...I feel like I am split so many ways..and I have nothing left to give"

 

So far he is handling it..He gets it....Time will tell if he can hang with my life..but so far so good.  Just worried about my poor little daughter

[Trying]

SB, as if getting ready to sell your house and move isnt enough, splitting your time between 2 places must have you right on the edge. It will all be worth it but it's so hard to see the toll it takes to get there. My goal is to take some time, even if brief, for unstructured fun with my youngest. I get so wrapped up in all that has to be done that I forget about having fun. The kids and I went on a hike yesterday which was great but I think it made my youngest realize we haven't been doing enough of that lately. Balance. I need to strive for more balance.

[mmg19]

Reading this thread took me back one year.  I knew I had to sell and downsize for many reasons.  No renovations or major work on house but the 3 months of cleaning, purging, packing was taking every free moment of my time.  At the same time I was working full time, preparing for teacher certification, and striving for stability in my kids life.  A social life would have been impossible to balance.  Looking back I have no regrets. 

 

The balancing part is difficult enough when there is no added stress.  Each of us is faced with different circumstances and we each set priorities and move forward.  For me it was kids first and job stability second since without financially stability I would be unable to secure a future for my family.  From 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom rental townhouse has allowed me to minimize housework, maintenance, and spend more time with kids as well as nurture a relationship by moving NG from friend zone to future partner.  DH has remained a constant source of support in my decisions. 

 

I can so relate to each of the responders in this thread.  Too Soon's comment  about being the one constant in our children's lives really resonates with me.  Didn't mean to ramble and jump around Trying but my mind does that these days.