Two Years??

[Mr C]

Not sure how two years have gone by. Each day felt so long and painfully never-ending. Yet somehow the calendar just melted away. How can it be two years, when it feels like she was just here?

 

I find myself more numb than anything today. After all, what makes this day any different from the others? She?s as gone today as she was yesterday. A day that I grieved heavily was last Saturday, as I thought about the last time we went out together and how much I wanted to be celebrating another Valentine?s Day with her. This day between the 21st and the 23rd is a day that would be better off just not existing as far as I?m concerned. So here I sit reflecting on the time gone by and contemplating what life should be going forward.

 

I didn?t think I would survive the first year; expected to die of a broken heart. Along the way, I realized that the kids needed me, so I reluctantly existed. The second year was hard as well. I tried to put some purpose in my life and even launched a podcast for women?s heart health awareness. However, I felt like a bit of a fraud having a health show, when I wasn?t interested in taking care of my own health. Lack of overall concentration and low energy levels kept me from performing at levels that I was used to. Around the 18-month mark, I pulled back from the show, further away from people and even disappeared from here.

 

Grief has felt like my closest friend for most of this journey. I held tight to the sadness that felt appropriate having lost my best friend, love, wife and better half of myself. Now, I am tired of grief dragging me down and wallowing in self-pity. It doesn?t bring my wife back. Also, it isn?t me. I want to be that positive, upbeat man that she fell in love with. I want to take back control of my life and enjoy it.

 

I am grateful for the love we have shared and that I feel forever married. I get to still act as her husband and carry on a Legacy for Us in heart health awareness. We have two wonderful children. Even though they are becoming young adults, there is still so much more love we had planned to give to them. And I will. (Today, Our daughter has her first audition on Broadway.)

 

It is time for me to get out and truly enjoy this life. There are sure to be more challenges in year 3. While I don?t see myself as being beyond active grieving, I am determined not to let it control me either. I am ready to be me again. And the cool thing is that I feel even closer to her when I am.

 

[SoVerySad]

Sending you tight hugs, J. I always relate so well to your posts. The time issue has been a big one for me. Next month will be 3 years since T died. I also couldn't believe I would survive the first one. Like you, earlier in my grief each day was soooo excruciatingly long. Time has definitely sped back up for me again, which makes me so grateful. I'm not beyond active grieving yet either, but I do believe I can do this now. I just have to find ways to add more purpose and happiness to my life other than my kids. My happiness cannot be a burden for them to be responsible for. Congrats to your daughter on her audition. How exciting. I sending positive thoughts her way.

 

More hugs...

[donswife]

good luck to your daughter on her auditon

I liked hearing that you are tryiing to get out there and enjoy your life

but also knowing how much you love your wife and still feel forever married

I am not on the same time line (year and 5 months) but I always like to see what lies ahead

take care

[Trying]

Big hugs to you Mr C.  I'm glad to hear you are ready to start really living your life again.  I have been working on that as well, though I still have times when I retreat back into my grief, it feels good to not just simply be existing.  I think that getting back in touch with the parts of you your DW fell in love with is a beautiful way to honor and connect with her.

[Mr C]

Thank you for the hugs and responses. My daughter called me right away to tell me she had fun with her first audition. It was a dance audition, which isn't her strength. She did learn some new moves to practice. Next week she has some auditions where she should get the opportunity to sing, which better suits her. She seems well prepared for the challenges ahead and is trying to have fun and learn with the process.

 

[Trying]

I think we should plan a Bago when she gets her first show and give her a ton of Widda support!

[mo12]

Your post made me tear up.  You are carrying her with you in a beautiful way.  I struggle to find ways to feel connected to my husband without it just being about grief... it is starting to happen but slowly.  Always so slowly.  Feb 23rd was the two year mark for me.  Thanks for writing.