mo12

So in the past couple of weeks, just like in the first month or so after he died, I keep thinking I see him everywhere! It is the weirdest thing. It makes me sad, a little, but more so curious about what my mind is up to... is a big wave of grief coming, maybe? It is because I'm having to make big life decisions again, without him? Is he sending me "I'm with you" vibes? I miss him, a lot, and am solo-parenting a two year old who barely sleeps, but other than that doing pretty well, haha My husband died in 2014, after only 3 years together... man, it'll be weird when he will have been gone longer than we were together on earth.

"Applied healing"- well-put. It's amazing how much one's world, and the whole world, can change in 5 years, hey? Thanks for your posts, they often bring to light what I can't quite articulate myself!

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your love. I also lost my husband before he was technically my husband, we were engaged to be married and have a daughter, who was 2 months old when he died. I had just picked out my wedding dress the day before he died (Feb 23rd, 2014.) Ugh. I remember the awful feeling that my whole world, past present and future, had just been pulled out from under me like a rug. The "falling" part felt like forever at the time but it did eventually pass. Then there is a lot of up and down. You will get through this- but in the meantime it sucks and is totally unfair and makes no sense. Two years later and my daughter and I are doing well- I remember thinking I would never EVER feel better but eventually the grief gets lighter. I hope reading everyone's stories here is helpful- you are not alone in this. ps- what a sweet picture

I am so, so sorry that you had reason to be here. My husband died suddenly at age 27 in a skiing accident. Our daughter was two months old at the time. That was over 2 years ago, in 2014. It is a long rough road, grieving while raising a baby, but you can do it. Once the initial shock passed (which took months for me, but it's different for everyone), I learned to dip my feet into the grief without "falling down the rabbit hole." I remember looking at my baby girl, seeing how much she was starting to look like him, and being physically in pain at how much I missed her Dad. Now when she reminds me of him it makes me happy. It's not fair that this happened. I agree with others who have written to ask for help- lots of it. People mostly want to help but don't know what to do. Be gentle with yourself, any and all of the intense feelings are normal after this awful loss. Sending you strength.

This is an annual camp for bereaved families (not specific to solo widowed parents.) I've heard good things and am registered. http://campkerrysociety.org/camp-kerry/ I'll be going with my daughter this year to the camp in BC (in October), there are also camps in Ontario and Atlantic Canada.

Haha. A bit socially awkward in any case.

I haven't read through much of this thread but looking forward to hilarity:) And sometimes just frustration!! I keep my profile hidden so I can choose who I get in contact with but I still seem to choose some doozies... One guy asked as the first question whether I want more kids... I joked that maybe we should chat a bit first... then no reply. Actually I do want more kids but not if you're only interested in my uterus. Thank you and good bye. ???

Thanks for this thread. I haven't been on the widda boards for quite awhile but it really is reassurring to know you all are here. I also met DH in my early 30s so already had experience managing life on my own- owned a house, travelled a lot, great career... once I met him though I couldn't imagine ever being apart, until we were. I am still trying to figure out who I am now... I don't really want to be the person I was before I met him- I was previously pretty career driven and intense, and that's just not me anymore. I admit I am lonely, so maybe I won't be on my own forever, but I respect that frame of mind and truly believe a life without a partner can be absolutely as fulfilling as a coupled life. I'm blabbering on but what I mean to say I don't know if I'll ever re-couple. It's been two years and I've been on a few dates, but more so because i feel like I should not because i have any interest. My daughter and I together feel like a family.

So I'm sure there have been many posts about this- how to talk about death in concrete terms while helping your littles keep a connection to their parent who has died... My daughter was only two months old when her dad died, she's now 2 and a bit and talking non-stop, most of it I understand! I do mention her dad quite a bit (if we are doing something he liked to do, when she reminds me of him, etc.) so I'm sure some of it is sinking in. She has her own perspective though on who daddy is and where he is... once it was "daddy's in the picture" (of course, that's the only place she remembers seeing him is in pictures) and this morning as I was putting her into her car seat she says "I fly! Up to the moon to see daddy!" Now I don't know where she got that idea, I don't talk about heaven, or him being "in the sky." Once visiting friends she really latched on to my friend's husband, they have a little guy her age and I think maybe she thought for a second it was her dad too? She called him daddy right away (which she has never done with other little friends' dads) and just looked at him with stars in her eyes. I explained it was her friend's daddy and she seemed to get it... On the two year anniversary of his death I told her "I miss daddy" and she says "daddy go home. be with his friends." ??? Whoa. It is amazing and hard to see her try to figure this out... or maybe she knows more than I do?? Any experiences to share on talking about death and the parent they've lost at this age (2-3)?

Your post made me tear up. You are carrying her with you in a beautiful way. I struggle to find ways to feel connected to my husband without it just being about grief... it is starting to happen but slowly. Always so slowly. Feb 23rd was the two year mark for me. Thanks for writing.

You are doing your best. And obviously doing an amazing job under the circumstances. I'll bet if you saw one of us going through the same thing, you wouldn't think of us as selfish or not strong. We are always hardest on ourselves. I too feel guilty for not being appreciative... especially of my parents who have helped out a lot with my little one. I feel somewhat bitter though that I had to move back to my hometown to have help, leaving my friends and my home and my job after such a big loss already... so I think I kind of take it out on them... "unappreciative" is a gentle word for it, I'll bet I seem like a b*tch sometimes! But I am doing my best, I try to say thank you, and I try to hold it together. That's all we can do at this point.

Hi Jen and Jess, it's been awhile. Jen, I hear ya. I can relate to the feeling of just being so done with this! Also, the weight loss and gain part Jess, "I won't pollyanna all over your thread"- lol, love it!

So, it's been awhile. I think about you all often but I haven't been to the site in months. Actually, this morning when I felt I needed to check in I couldn't remember the name of this site! I think I have been "pushing down" a lot of stuff lately trying to keep up with work, parent my almost-2-year-old (!!) and "start a new life" (still no idea what that looks like, but apparently it's happening!)... But as you all know, it's hard. Ill read a bit and hopefully catch up with a few of you soon.... Thanks for still being here.

Sorry I've been MIA around here. I have to go back to my other home (where the house is that I rent out now) the weekend of Oct 24th. Could still do that weekend of Nov 7/8 but Losttogether since you are in Victoria too would be great if you could come for at least part of it! Could also do the 14/15...

Quick poll- which weekend would work better for people- October 24/25 or November 7/8? Or another suggestion? I have some ideas for things to do in Victoria (with and without kids) but am open to suggetions too! Mostly just a chance to meet you all!

A beautiful post, thank you for telling us your story. I lost my then-27-year-old husband a year and a half ago, he was my best friend and I'm sure one of the best souls that's ever made an appearance in this world. My whole world, my family, my identity was shattered. I still feel close to him, although much of the pain has softened (which continues to surprise me.) I'm so sorry for the loss of your family.

I've been there. Well, all of us have. So many unexpected triggers.... and the only thing that could make it better is if our loved ones came home. I'll let you know though, for what it's worth, these feeling will not last forever. It's okay to feel like you're falling into an abyss, because that's normal, and all these painful feelings are the basis for healing. I lost my fiance suddenly, the day after I had picked out my wedding dress. Our daughter was two months old. And you know what, a year and some-months later (I can't believe I've stopped counting the months!) we are doing well. You will too. It will seem like nothing could ever, ever be okay ever again but trust that your body and mind know how to grieve. Hang out here with us, we get it.

That sounds wonderful and courageous.

I haven't been coming to the board much the past couple of months, but wanted say hello and post something, since I remember reading a post about it being "quiet" around here! The munchkin and I came home for the summer (where we lived until a few months after my husband died, and I moved us back to my hometown.) I thought it would be really tough coming back, and hard to be back in our house without him... but it's actually been mostly good. Hard times and tears of course but I'd be having those no matter where I am. My little one was two months old when her dad died and now she is a walking, talking, sassy toddler! She is exhausting but awesome. I've been back at work for 10 months and new opportunities are presenting themselves... I can remember thinking it would never, EVER get easier, and I would be in the darkest depths of grief FOREVER, but I guess I was wrong. It surprises me often. I'm still pissed at happy 2-parent families but less so. I still have times of awful grief, but knowing it will pass makes it easier to bear. I still haven't really felt ready or wanting to date, but that will happen, or it won't. I still feel close to my love and although I don't feel his presence as much anymore he's very much a part of my life... he's my "dead best friend" (this is funny to me, my sense of humour is definitely a little morbid now.) Anyways just wanted to offer a little encouragement to those earlier in the process who might read here, and also say hello to all of you who are on a similar timeline. I continue to be inspired and grateful for you.

I hear ya.

"Perhaps if our dating nets were cast a bit wider there'd be a real catch who, incidentally, didn't have one of the boxes filled in on the "Are you the One?" form." If only there were a box called "not going to die on me anytime soon."

I'm over a year out but wanted to share my experience. I took several months off after my husband died. I also had a 2 month old baby and I was grieving so hard I literally could not do my job. However, after almost 8 months the fog and depression started to lift- although I was still grieving and still am, I could think and function and be good at my job again. I actually went back to a different job in the same field- I moved back to my hometown and needed better hours as a single parent... I remember being so afraid in the early months that I'd never function like I did before, I felt I was losing myself as well as the love of my life, my role as his wife, etc etc. Anyways I don't know what your career is and if there are any positions that aren't quite as demanding, but for what it's worth, this type of grief that makes your brain not work, it's not forever... it'll take time but if you still WANT your career don't give up just yet!

Thanks all. I really don't feel like this "happened to me" in any way... it happened to this guy, who seems nice, but I have no real relationship with. It's just weird. I guess it just confirms what I already knew- I'm not ready to open my heart again. I'm hopeful that I'll get there, but not yet. Even a first date seems risky at this point! Oh well. I hope he does well, for his and his kiddo's sake.

I hear ya, Jen. It is so lonely, even with others around. Even though it's hot, is there somewhere nice you could spend an hour outside? It sounds a bit cheesy, but being in nature often helps me feel connected to the world, just a little bit. Thinking of you.

I haven't told anyone in my real life about this but I need to put it somewhere and you guys will likely understand why this is throwing me for a loop... For the past couple months I've been looking around an online dating site, not posting a picture but with a profile and sending a message to a few different guys who seem interesting. One in particular, a single dad, seemed very nice and normal (?!) and we exchanged numbers. We texted and made tentative plans to meet in the next couple weeks. I sent him a message yesterday to see if he was up for a visit tomorrow and he can't, because he's in the hospital.... And no, it's not some crazy scheme to get out of meeting up (I used to work at that hospital and he just knew too much for it to be some made-up thing.) Turns out the same day we started chatting he started having chest pains... Eventually went to emerg and he was having a heart attack!! He's in his mid-thirties and by all appearances in good shape. Ughhh, what am I, the kiss of death?? I know this has nothing to do with me, but what the hell?? He says he still wants to meet once he's back on track but understands if I don't want to (he doesn't know my widow status...) Anyways, not looking for any advice, I'm dropping him like a hot potato even though he seems nice... But the first guy I "meet" after DH, seriously?!! Edited to add: I realized there are people out there who have been widowed more than once, I really hope that didn't sound offensive, if so I'm really sorry... There are no guarantees in life, hey?