Memory lane, Id appreciate opinions

[Torn]

Is memory lane a street worth revisiting?

 

I've thought about this allot recently.

and kinda feel it's a waste of pain and emotions,not worth the energy.

 

  Reminiscing on the love my wife and I had & how possible it seems that I'll not feel that love again in my lifetime....

  Well it's hard not to give up

,sorry it's true.

 

How can I listen to  music (from wife & my youth) ,without being taken to a place of emotion and loving dispaiir? How? Seeing photos of her crush me to bits.

  For a while I quit listening to music for this reason....it takes me to that place and well I can't stand it.

 

The place of feeling love,only to realize that it's a feeling I used to share,now only I FEEL IT ALONE.

  ...just pain fills that spot in me at the moment and it hurts to remember,something that can never be again.

 

What do you all do? How do you address the past without feeling like it's a torture session?

  Is this therapeutic for some,for me it feels like I'm emotionally experiencing death.

 

  I'm feeling lost recently and well like many widows/widowers before me, I feel I'll stay alone forever.

 

Any ideas/opinion here? I'm really curious,is this something you all experience aswell and if so how do you cope?

 

Do you avoid these memories?

 

Embrace these memories?

 

Is there a value to this dispare that I can't understand?

 

  It's important to me to post these questions,there's no one in my life left to ask these things...

  thanks for reading and sharing this forum with me.

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

[Quixote]

You have to tread the line between wallowing and suppression.  Your love and memories never go away-- even if you could turn them off, would you really want to?  Denying them just makes the feelings erupt later on.  But you can't live in that place of despair, either.  I try to find times to remember and grieve, private and in a safe place. Just let it go, read old love notes, look at her picture, listen to music she loved, that sort of thing. 

 

I don't want the above to sound like I've got it together-- hell, just the other day I had a grief attack while driving on the freeway. Mind wandered and I ended up in a dark place, mentally. But mindfully setting aside space to grieve seems to help cut down on that sort of thing.

[Guest k3songs]

For a long time I tried to just not go there, not think about those things.  Didn't listen to the music or look at the pictures, but then gradually I would.  A little at a time.  I think it just takes time for our minds and hearts to accept that it never will be like it was.  It"s hard, it hurts, but little by little we are able to remember the good times.  I don't think we should ever forget what we had.  The life we shared with our spouse helped shape us into who we are today.  Going down memory lane can be quite painful at first, but I think it makes us see that we have loved and been loved.  I think it will help you realize that one day you may find love again if that is something you are looking for.

[SoVerySad]

Sending you a tight hug, Torn. I'll tell you what has worked for me a little, with the caveats that I believe I am further out than you (3 yrs later this month), all our experiences are different, and right now I'm going thru a very bleak and difficult time so I can't say any of this has been a magical cure for surviving being widowed.

 

As far as music, I went thru a similar period where I just couldn't listen to it. Too painful. It was a big part of my relationship with T. It really sucked, because music had always been a refuge for me, a place to find comfort and enjoyment. Suddenly it was all sharp and jagged. For me, that just took time. Interestingly, the music I first started to be able to enjoy was music from when we first started being friends, then dating. For some reason, those earliest memories became easiest for me to remember and focus on (other than the ever present memory of his sudden death). As time as passed, I've found the joy in music again, can sing along even. Occasionally it brings me to tears, but it is manageable and more enjoyable overall than painful.

 

As far as pictures, I know several other wids who haven't been able to look at pictures without extreme pain. I've had pictures of T and our family up everywhere as I always did before. I even took the two memory photo displays I made for his memorial service and framed them. They still hang in my hallway. At first, I would stand there looking over them, crying and reciting where each had been taken as I was so afraid I would forget at some point. Now I can honestly say that I can look at them, smiling my way through each one, really noticing the details. They are a beautiful tapestry of the lives we shared together.

 

For me, I made a conscious decision to not allow the tragic end of our relationship to take anything away from what we had. So, perhaps I did immerse myself in those memories, etc., but I did so trying to be cognizant of the fact that while our story had a sad ending, it was a beautiful one until then. Anytime I would be remembering and start despairing over the fact it was over, I'd try to redirect my thoughts to keep the two separate - life with him and life without him. Life with him was amazing and I wasn't going to let anything alter my perception of it. Life without him completely sucks and is miserable.

 

I am still so sad (who knew my screenname would be so appropriate still when I chose it) that I can no longer be with him (here on earth) and lonely. I doubt I will ever find love again and most days believe the best part of my life is over. That is not to say I don't hope to find joy again in other ways. But I have been able to separate my lives into separate chapters. My chapter 2 isn't a new relationship. It is a sucky new existence I continue to work to make better, but haven't made much progress with. But my Chapter 1 was amazing and I am so thankful that I can remember it with more joy than pain now. I hope you will be able to someday as well.

 

More hugs...

 

 

 

[Torn]

I apologize to you all....

 

  I'm still struggling emotionally like many of you all & it seems getting closer to the 2 year mark , that my loneliness has become more pronounced.

  I miss my Wife, I also miss my life so I sorta feel like the lines are easily blurred,why we find ourselves stricken with memories of how life once was.

 

Tons of this all is :

IN MY FACE, daily with the fact our daughter & husband & infant are here,which as I've mentioned before is a BAD SITUATION.

 

So I kinda feel I'd 've farther along mentally with my loss,if I wasn't bombarded with these kids lack of, tact & compassion.

 

Thank you all for helping me see the light,much appreciated.... ToRn

[SoVerySad]

Dear Torn, please you have nothing to apologize for. We understand how painful it is and I think definitely with the 2 year anniversary approaching, it is common to feel the despair more deeply. I've noticed it being harder since the first of this month started. Even both my kids have mentioned they're feeling worse with the anniversary approaching.

 

I also agree that our situation with your daughter, as well as your health issues, have both impacted and complicated your grief - interrupted your ability to process it. That said, there is no set timeframe for any of this.

 

More hugs...

[lcoxwell]

I agree with SVS, you truly have nothing to apologize for. Personally, I think your questions were very good ones, and ones that I am certain other people have thought about, even if they did not come here and ask. I've wondered about this, myself, from time to time.

 

I also agree with Quixote, that there is a fine line between wallowing and suppression. As we all know, trying to find that balance can be such a struggle, at times. In my two years of widowhood, I have run the gamut between complete and utter wallowing and absolute suppression and every single place in between. It took me a while to find good ways to cope, but I think I have finally reached a healthy place that works, for me. I'll gladly share how I cope, but keep in mind that everyone is different, so my strategies may, or may not be useful, for others.

 

Here are my strategies:

When I look back to reminisce, I try to keep a balance. I try not to over-romanticize my relationship with Kenneth. There were parts of our relationship that were absolutely spectacular, and I would give anything to go back and relive certain moments. I know that it is impossible to go back. At the same time, I know that focusing too much on only the good (and not remembering that there were bad times, too) can keep me stuck in the grief. I also try not to demonize him. My Kenneth could be a hard man to live with, and there were parts of him I didn't really like very much, sometimes. The last few years of our marriage were very, very hard. It wouldn't be fair to him to only allow myself to remember the sad or difficult times, either. So, if I find myself reminiscing too much on either the good, or the bad, I make a mindful decision to also remember the other side and to be truly honest about the life we shared. I think that also makes the remembrances more real and special. Our life wasn't perfect, but it was our life and it was a good one, overall.

 

Like you and others, pictures, music, certain places, or certain movies/television shows seem to be triggers for me. I am jealous of people, who have lots of pictures or videos or voice recordings of their spouses, because that's something I don't have. All I have is a small handful of pictures. For a while, I was so desperate to just be able to look at his face or to hear his voice, and the mere fact that I couldn't completely tore me apart. I could not bring myself to listen to music or watch certain shows. Even driving by certain places completely destroyed me. I finally reached a point, where I decided to do as Quixote suggested. I learned to set aside time to allow myself to pull out the few remembrances I do have or to revisit those things that would trigger the grief. I would allow myself the time to think of him and to let it out. I would have myself a really good crying spell for an hour or two, in a safe place, while I was alone.

 

After having my crying spell, or when the memories get to be too much to handle on my own, I come here and write out my thoughts. Or I call my Mother or my sister or my daughter or some other close friend or relative. Sometimes, I visit the chat room and just chat for a while. It doesn't really matter what I do, as long as I go somewhere to make a connection of some kind with at least one other person. If I cannot connect with anyone I know, then I will force myself to get in the car and go somewhere in which I will have to interact with someone, even if it is just to go to the ice cream shop and order an ice cream cone or to go to the nearest store and buy a soda.

 

Something else that works well for me, but that is not for everyone, is spending time in prayer, reading the Bible, and listening to Christian music. When the despair and loneliness and grief tear me down, I can find comfort in God's word. There are songs that lift me up and give me peace. When everything else falls apart and I feel that there is no hope left and that all my strength is gone, that is the one thing that has always worked for me. Like I said, though, that particular strategy is not for everyone.

 

A few other general coping strategies that I have used include seeing a grief counselor for a while, exercising, and trying as best I could to eat and sleep regularly. I also learned a few breathing techniques that really do help. When I first became a widow, several other widows/widowers would routinely ask if I was remembering to breathe or would pass on the advice of "just remember to breathe". Honestly, I thought this was the most ridiculous piece of advice I had ever heard, until I learned the magic of it all. Now, I realize, it was probably the smartest thing anyone ever told me.

[Torn]

Isn't the term "Waxes & Waynes"?

 

  For myself it Comes in enormous waves & is really tough.

    Something I've yet to figure out a better way to "cope" during times when my physical pain exceeds normal pain (brain herniation), well it's a double edged sword for me to have incredutable physical pain & suddenly find myself emotionally demolished at the exact time...damaging to say the least.

 

  I've definitely been "trying" to  counteract my thoughts of "all great" with "some issues", so I don't get caught up I'm it all.

 

  Definitely tough and I catch myself "trying" to decide tough things like:

"maybe it's my wife's personal items triggering this sadness" & concidering getting rid of things....I'm not ready for that yet BTW.

 

  so I will take 5 minutes now and be happy I'm alive & haven't given up, I'll also take a moment to realize this is possibly the largest hurdle I may face in life.

  I'm definitely trying to ease forward,as slow as that may be I'm trying and once again I realize some people have taken their lives during grief & I've not concidered THAT.

 

  I guess easily put, I'm counting my baby steps forward and hoping to learn proper coping skills to deal with the times it overwhelms me.

  Thank you all

[Max2507]

When I was heading towards the two year mark I started getting less functional. Prior I was grieving but able to do activities of daily living and at that point I struggled to get out of bed, to shower, get groceries. I went on an antidepressant and it helped with that stuff a lot. It didn't take the grief or sadness away just made me able to function and do what I needed to do. I found in the second year I had days of just being profoundly sad. It was different than from the beginning, hard to describe. Now I am heading towards the 3 year mark in May and his birthday is next week. I feel more like a whole person and have future plans and such but even though they are fewer still have moments and occasionally whole days of that.