Frustrated with older teen

[Trying]

Many of you have listened to the roller coaster ride I have been on with oldest, the brief story is that he was in the first weeks of his senior year of high school when his Dad died.  He had to have surgery on his shoulder and couldn't finish out the swim season his senior year, got accepted to college and joined swim team, failed out first semester and had to have surgery again.  Went back this fall and failed out again.  He has been dealing with depression and anger, some issues with smoking pot, when I forced him into counseling it did not go well.

 

Since he moved back home over Christmas I made him sign a contract about timelines for taking over financial responsibilities for his car, cell phone, personal expenses and eventually rent.  The issue is he is supposedly looking for full time work and still nothing other than a swim coaching/life guarding job for only about 10-15 hours a week. He can have full time job lifeguarding for the summer but that's 2 1/2 months away and only temporary.  He has zero motivation, he does what I ask around the house but it's usually half assed and he does not initiate doing any chores or repairs.  He will lose his cell phone and have no insurance on his car as of May 1st if he can't afford to pay.

 

So then what? No cell phone, no car will mean he can't work. I have to stick to my side of the contract but I really thought he would step up and get a job by now. I think he is lying about all of the applications he has put in but I can't prove that.  I have no idea how to help him find his motivation.  He is wasting his life, throwing away his future, all of the advantages he had are being wasted and my heart is broken.  I don't even recognize him any more.  We raised our kids to be ambitious, hard working, educated, goal oriented , not lazy, entitled, whiny, angry. 

 

Obviously his father's death has had serious effects on him but there comes a point when you have to want to get help and want to do more. It doesn't seem like he is doing anything to try to get his life on track and he refuses any help.  It is the Hardest thing to watch.

Any advice? Anyone who has seen a child come through this?

[twistedmensa]

My eldest is also going through this...she is 19 now and was 17 when DH died. They had a volatile relationship and he died so quickly after his diagnosis, that there was little chance for closure. DH was her stepfather; her father died when she was just a baby.

 

She has zero motivation and she drags her feet when it comes to anything resembling adult responsibility. She won't study to pass the test to get a learner's permit, she won't submit any job applications, she dropped out of school and now she won't do anything to earn her GED. She refuses to go to any sort of counseling, grief or otherwise. When I press the issue, it generally degrades into a fight with her threatening to live on the street and become a stripper. Last time she threatened, I told her to go....she backed down later that night.

 

I have no advice for you, as I am apparently failing miserably in a similar boat. But you aren't alone. Hugs.

[Trying]

Hugs right back to you twistedmensa. It really is so incredibly difficult to watch them wasting their lives. My son threatens to leave and live on the streets or in a shelter too. He wouldn't survive one night.

DHs youngest brother has always had emotional problems, drug addiction that he has overcome more than once, lack of ambition. He is still floundering in his 40's, more than ever. DH and I always agreed that his mother did (and still does) way too much to enable him and we swore that would never be us. My son was on a great track until his dad died so I am dealing with all of this alone after 17 pretty easy years of parenting.  I will not enable him the my MIL has with her son which is why I made the contract. Now I am scared to death about enforcing it but feel like I have to.

 

I know that his self confidence would improve if he was working. I also know that working 40 hours a week for minimum wage and having to try to live off of that would be an eye opener and hopefully motivate him to obtain a skill or a degree.

 

How do I help him to get there, to just get a damn job and be productive?

[klim]

I've got an 18 year old in the basement, who has been told to get some sort of employment by the end of this month. I don't think he has put in an application yet. Next week I plan to "motivate him" by driving him around while I witness him drop of applications.

He hasn't had any anger issues so I have been very tolerant and he has acted on a few other issues that I have put before him.( he has applied to school for this fall), so maybe not in the same category but I will be trying very hard not to "enable" him.

Both my brother and sister had one of there kids go through quite a rebellious/angry tough patch.  Both had some emotinal issues but they needed to want help. My siblings used the tough love recipe and it worked. They went as far as to disallow thier boys in the house and dropped them at a shelter..... their kids were back within a couple of weeks and ready to accept help.. That was when they were around 18, one might have been a bit older. They are now both in there mid twenties and going to school and doing well.

 

I think the  problems their kids were causing were pretty big but I'm saying it did work. I'm not close to that frustrated yet.

Just putting it out there that I have seen tough love work.

[trying2breathe]

Trying  Sorry that the challenges continue with your DS.  Ultimately the motivation to get going has to come from your son.  I'm no expert, but will share my layman's experience with therapy with both of my kids, and in particular the latest situation working through my DD's depression and brief drug use. 

 

A year ago DD was defiant, missing school, breaking all of the rules.  Despite best efforts, nothing that I did motivated her.  Through weeks of intense therapy and some tough consequences, she worked through some of her own stuff and made a decision to get back into a productive way of living.  I'm fully aware that this could have gone either way, I'm in contact with others from group therapy that are still struggling.  Our therapy focused on co-dependency issues, for me it was a new way of thinking about parenting.  I'll PM you the book title, in case you're interested.   

 

In this particular group therapy, we were told time and again that a child's biggest fear is that their parents will abandon them.  This seems to contradict tough love theory - so I'm not sure how to reconcile one with the other.  You've set up structure and expectations for your son, and the resulting consequences when things are not followed.  Although it seems harsh to take away his phone and not pay for car insurance, maybe this will jump start him to try harder?  Perhaps he doesn't think you'll follow through?  Kids are notorious procrastinators, May 1st to him may seem like plenty of time to find work.  The consequence of actually having his phone and car taken away will make a bigger statement than hearing from you that this will happen.         

 

What brings your son joy?  Does he look forward to his work as a swim coach/lifeguard?  Does he have friends and get out? 

 

Big hugs to you ~ 

 

 

[serpico]

I will not enable him the my MIL has with her son which is why I made the contract. Now I am scared to death about enforcing it but feel like I have to.

 

Yes, you absolutely have to, and maybe make him hit a few 'markers' before the contract expiration date also.  May 1st is six weeks away, so why wait until then?  Ask for proof that he is putting in job applications, insist that he help more around the house, or give him something specific he must do on a daily/weekly basis.  This kid sounds like he's dying on the vine despite your efforts, so I think it's time to step up those efforts.

 

You say he wouldn't survive on the streets or in a shelter, but I'm pretty sure he would.  And hopefully it'll shock him back into the real world, with all its attendant duties and responsibilities.

 

This may sound harsh, but I'm afraid blunt talk and action may be one of the last things to try here.  Your child is taking advantage of you and it's hurting him in the process.