ONE MONTH AGO TODAY MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER

[Aaron]

It is hard to even write these words.

 

My life changed on February 25th when I came home from work and found my husband asleep on the couch.  At least that is what it looked like from across the room.  I had texted him a couple times that day and did not get a reply which was not like him.  After that I started calling and it went to voicemai.  l just kept feeling that he was gone, that he had left me, but then

I recalled that he had kissed me that morning as I was headed out the door but that awful feeling wouldn't go away.  When I walked over to the couch, I grabbed his foot to shake it and it just fell to the floor.  His hands were clutching his chest at a weird angle so I touched them and he was so very cold.  I knew then he was gone but couldn't stop myself from trying to wake him up, begging and pleading for him not to leave me.  I ran outside screaming for help and the neighbors came out asking what was wrong, some how between sobbing and screaming I got out that it appeared my husband had died.  They called 911, I called my assistant but could only cry, no words would come.  My house was so full of people in the next ten minutes it was unreal.  I went back in the house to be with him and shoved my neighbor out of my way (I apologized later).  The emts came in and after one look put a sheet over him, I pulled it off and pleaded for them to please check for a heartbeat and they did but he was gone and had been for several hours.  The detective asked so many questions about foul play, did he do drugs, we're there guns in the house, what funeral home did I want, etc.  I was completely overwhelmed and all I could do was put my head down on the table and repeat over and over that I didn't know what to do.  Eddie was 43 to my 40, we had both lost our fathers, mine five years ago, his three, we had not talked about what his wishes were.  My friends called my family and his for me, it was all I could do to just sit upright in a chair.  I did not sleep any that night.

 

That is all I can bear to write now of this terrible loss.

[BrokenHeart2]

I'm so sorry Aaron on the loss of your dear husband.  I'm glad you found us. We get what you are going through. This is a very supportive bunch here. Please be gentle with yourself and remember to drink lots of water as crying is dehydrating.

Big gentle hugs to you.

[Guest TooSoon]

I am so sorry for your loss though I am glad you have found this very safe, supportive place.  For three years I have come here (or its former iteration) and found comfort, advice and the sort of empathy that only others who have been through it can give.  Here, you can say what you can't say in real life and people will understand.  For now, try not to do too much too fast and above all, be gentle with yourself.  Welcome. 

[SoVerySad]

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, Aaron. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly as well. I remember when I reached the one month milestone, I was shocked I had actually survived a whole month. I couldn't imagine a person could survive living through such pain. I'm so sorry for the trauma you went through that day and all the hurt since.

 

As others have said, being part of this forum has been such a blessing for me. I've been able to connect with others who understand it is a loss like no other in all the ways big and small your life is changed. We are here for you, so please reach out when you need us.

 

Sending you a tight hug...

[Trying]

At one month I wasn't able to even wrap my head around the fact that he was really gone forever. I am so sorry for your pain.  I wish I could tell you there is a short cut around this grief but unfortunately you have to go through it.  Keep reading and posting here, others in your timeline will help you feel like you are not alone and not crazy and those of us further along can hopefully give you hope that the pain will ease over time and there can be life after loss. 

For now, tight hugs to you, be gentle with yourself, take deep breaths.

[Aaron]

Thank you BrokenHeart2, Too Soon, SoVerySad, and Trying for your condolences and words of encouragement but mostly for letting me know that I am not alone on this horrible journey and that the emotions I am feeling are truly normal.

 

I truly do feel as if I have a very large red "W" on my forehead and that people scatter in the other direction if they see me coming.  I find this very hard to understand, because really all I want is a hug and acknowledgement that they care.  However, I have decided to believe that those who do scatter do so because they truly don't know what to say or have the crazy notion that my "condition" is contagious.

 

I hope to continue telling of my ordeal when I am a little stronger.

 

Aaron

[Jen]

Oh, Aaron. I am so, so sorry for your loss. ((((((HUGS)))))

 

Almost two years out, and I still feel as though I have a huge scarlet W plastered on my chest. Hold on. Breathe. We're here.

[Joeswife]

Aaron, I am so sorry for your lost.  I also lost my husband suddenly.  Two years later I am no longer having to take it day by day but there will never be a day I don't think about him and miss him.  That being said I now look forward to what the future holds which is not something I could have said two years ago.  Take care and know that people are here when you need to "talk".

[Dark Rose]

Aaron I lost my husband suddenly as well 11 months ago as well. He was away when he passed away suddenly, I can understand the pain and extreme shock you must be feeling. At one month, I really had no idea what I was doing, or what had happened to me. So, hang in there. Breathe. Message me if you ever need to talk

 

I am so so so sorry for your loss!