Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\

[kjs1989]

Jen,  I am so sorry.  So many of us get it.

 

Until very recently, I hadn't cried for a long time. The magnitude of this loss often feels too big for tears.

 

But last week, the kids and I lost what felt like our final connection to D, our 12 year old dog. He was D's dog, his  buddy who never left my avid outdoors-man's side. Boz grieved too, when D died. He slept by his side of the bed for weeks. He was a just a dog, but it felt like he carried my husband's energy in his dog soul. We all felt it. And now Boz is gone. My daughter and I sat on her bed and wailed. The scarred over wounds have been ripped wide open again.

 

These past 3 1/2 years I feel like I keep climbing the stairs; every day I climb the stairs, a few at a time, and then I retreat back down a few at a time, up a few, then down a few, and then there are the times like now, where I have fallen all the way back down the damn stairs and here I lie at the bottom, broken, for days on end. Eventually I have to start climbing those stairs again. But no matter how hard try, I just don't think I will ever get to the top. This journey SUCKS and I just want to go home, but I can't.

 

I read another thread today, where a veteran poster from this site made the assertion that we should be ashamed if we say this is not fair, that we are acting like children to make such statements. Well ya know what?? I am not ashamed to say it is not fair. I am not ashamed to whine about it, I am not ashamed to be authentic because I get so damn sick of faking it all the time and I am not about to grieve according to someone else's smug guidelines because they got it all figured out.

 

I will pick myself up by my bootstraps and forge ahead up the damn stairs because I have to, but on MY time frame.  We can do this, Jen. Hang on to my hand  and everybody else's on this site who gets it. We will climb the stairs together and catch each other when we stumble. It is okay to be down at the bottom of the steps for however long it takes to find the strength to just go up one or two. There are people at every step, forging their own journeys, who will help you. Just ask.

 

HUGE HUGS

[Jen]

Hugs. More hugs. Thank you all. Thank you. <3 <3 <3