Still here... not doing particularly well... :-\

[Jen]

That pretty much sums it up. I haven't been able to make myself get online lately-- almost never at home, and only rarely at work. I didn't think it was possible, but my world has contracted even more, until I have virtually no life at all. My mom retired and so she's at home when I'm off; she expects me to stay with her, and I've become content to lie on the couch watching the Travel Channel for hours on end. No more mornings at Starbucks-- no point anyway; I can't write anymore, not even in my journal. No more walking the dog-- it's getting too hot, and I can barely muster the energy to get up. Besides, what's the point of trying to be healthy? Nobody wants me, nobody ever will, and I'm deluding myself if I dare to think otherwise...

 

UGH.

 

I hate this crap. It's on a loop in my brain 24/7, and I can't get it to shut up. I'm so tired of it-- I'm sick to death of this wid existence. Craving love and comfort and physical contact and never getting it-- at least, not the right kind-- Is it possible to die from skin hunger??

 

I'm depressed and I'm punishing myself for it. I'm sad and beating myself up. I'm miserable and I want to change and I don't know how.

 

My theater group is on hiatus until the fall. And then I might not be able to participate-- my hospital is downsizing my department, and in order to keep my job, I'm going to have to go to nights (6:30 pm- 7 am) in July. Which essentially means I'll have even less life than I have now...

 

May I be honest? I know it's not his fault, but I bitterly resent Jim for leaving me to this pathetic waste of a life. I ought to be all "I'm going to make the best of this lousy hand and honor his memory and do all the things we always wanted to rah rah rah." I just... can't. I'm angry. I'm broken. I'm lost.

 

As always, thank you for listening. Please believe me when I say I've read the self-help stuff, I know it's up to me, it's all in the attitude, fake it till you make it, etc. This is where I am. It sucks, and I don't know if there's a way out. I just needed to vent.

 

hugs,

 

Jen, struggling and ashamed of it

[Trying]

I wish I lived closer to give you a real hug but a virtual one is the best I can do.  There is no shame in struggling with your grief so put that part aside.  You need to find the same compassion for yourself that you have for the rest of here when you reply to our angst.  Go back to the basics, deep breathes, drink water, give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling.  One step at at time.

 

 

[donswife]

Jen ...I hear you and I wish I had good advise

just wanted you to know I am here and listening and at times this is so hard

the only thing that I can think of that might help

is anything you could plan to look forward to ?

even if its a Bago and make that a trip

hugs to you

take care

[Max2507]

Struggling is nothing to be ashamed about. Honestly I still struggle and I am further out than you. I too feel like I need physical contact more than oxygen, ugh there are still ups and downs even further out. Solidarity!

[JeanGenie]

Jen, you have nothing to be ashamed of, so cut yourself some slack.  I can so relate to how you're feeling and so much of what you wrote and I'm further out.  I don't say this to totally depress you, but that we get it.  The good news is that these moments of despair are less frequent and I'm learning small ways to find energy and feel good about small things in my life.  This year I am really focusing on "me" and getting back in shape (lose weight, get physical exercise) and this has helped me feel better about myself.  As Donswife suggest, I also try to have something on my calendar to give me something to look forward to...planning a day with a friend just hanging out, a hike, whatever...something to change up the treadmill of our lives.

 

Be kind to yourself, cut yourself some slack and know that we're here to help support you! {{hugs}}

[SoVerySad]

No shame in venting or being honest about how you are feeling, dear girl. This wid life is hard. Really hard. Patience is difficult to have when you are hurting so much. If we were standing on hot coals, we would jump off to a place where it would hurt less. With this kind of pain, we need to make that move away from it to lessen the hurt, but we have no idea where the soft place to land is now.

 

Sending you love and tight hugs...

[canadiangirl]

Big hugs.  I get it.  I was having lunch this week with a friend and she said do you feel at least that things are better this year than last? making a line graph motion with her hand to indicate gradual growth or improvement over time.  I said, honestly (and really, no one wants to hear this), no, I don't.  Actually, this year has been worse--that line is dipping. 

 

But when you think about it, that imaginary line graph we have in our heads as a benchmark to measure our progress against is silly, really.  Silly to think that emotions would lend themselves to such a construct. I get the anger, too.

 

It is what it is.  As a smart lady said to me recently, be kind to yourself.

[Jess]

Jen, do not ever be ashamed you are struggling. It implies that you have a preconceived idea of how you should be doing. There is no such bar set for you or anyone. How you are doing is how you are doing. No shame in it.

 

That said, it feels like there is a way you want to be doing and maybe are feeling down that you are not there yet? You are in good company in that sentiment as I would wager a majority of us here are in that camp. I know one thing I am looking forward to is giving you a real life hug in a few weeks when we pass through your city!

[Virgo]

I'm sorry Jen. Have you ever considered talking to a professional about how your feeling? It might be more beneficial to share with someone face to face.

 

My low days are getting fewer and further between.  To keep myself from falling deep I try to do something physical  (gym, clean, house projects).  I hope you can find something to focus on that helps you through the deep lows. ((Hugs))

[Suki1]

Hi Jen,

 

Sending hugs. I wish I lived closer so I could deliver them live. Don't be ashamed. No two of us are alike, and comparisons, as they say, are odious. The journey seems longer for some than for others, but this is not a race or a contest. We each do what we can. And you give so much to the board. You'll never know how much some of your posts on YWBB meant to me when I was "starting out" two years ago. (And more recently as well.) Hang in there. Some day the sun has to shine, even if it rains a lot before then. Lots of hugs to you.

[Jen]

(((((HUGS))))))

 

Thank you all. I needed them.

 

I've thought of looking for a professional to talk to... I've finally got all my kids lined up to talk to therapists, but my personal experience has not been good, so I'm hesitant. Still... it's clear I can't do it on my own. I don't *want* to. I mean I don't really want to do anything anymore! No energy, no motivation. I know that needs to change, and I'm out of ideas how to do it.

[Guest TooSoon]

Jen,  You don't have to "rah rah" at all.  I haven't.  It isn't my way.  Also, its ok to be angry.  Anger isn't one of my problems but being sad and demoralized and sometimes a little psycho about how hard life has become are all problems for me and retuning my brain to live it differently has been an overwhelming and exhausting challenge that still creeps up and surprises me out of the blue sometimes.  Be kind to yourself, as kind and forgiving as possible and do, if you can, try therapy again.  If you want, I can put you in touch with my social worker friend from LR.  She's in Fayetteville now but lived in LR forever.  Any reference from her will be a good one.  Just say the word.  Sending love and support. 

[momtokam]

Jen, I am sending you huge hugs. I know how hard this is....

 

Part of what snapped me out of the deepest darkness was thinking about my kids. I needed to be happier for them. They deserved a happy mom. They had gone through the worst possible thing in their lives and I didn't want them to see me like that anymore. They were the reason for my motivation. It wasn't easy but I knew there was no other way.

[Bunny]

I'm sorry, Jen. I know you're exhausted, but I hope you continue writing here without feeling like a failure or the need to censure yourself. I've always loved your posts for their eloquence and absolute honesty. There are people reading this board who relate to all or parts of your journey and need your words because they aren't ready to, or simply can't, write about their own continuing struggles with grief.

 

I've been slowly coming off a long stint of anger that I found difficult to endure and I resented going through- it felt very isolating, even here. Sometimes the anger fueled me, but many times it was just exhausting. We all have our own paths to walk. It's not a competition. Sometimes all we can do is sit still -until we become so damn bored with ourselves, our widowhood, our grief that we do something/anything to break out. I highly recommend angry gardening.

[Tricia]

Jen, I don't have any advice. And even if I did, I wouldn't assume you hadn't already considered it and tried it.

I just have a selfish request. Please continue posting. Even though I've never met you, I consider you someone I "know." You're articulate and wise and kind and what you're feeling and experiencing is not out of the norm (whatever that means).

 

It truly does suck. But know that you have people in your corner. You don't have to be happy-happy-sunshine for us. We get it. Just please be here.

 

(Also, the world needs more of your good writing, whether it's here or in your journal or any other outlet. Words can wound, but they can heal, too.)

[Mizpah]

I'm thinking of you Jen.  I hope something good happens in your life really soon.  I'm sending hugs and love.

[Jen]

I want to thank you all for listening to me, and for responding... it means more than you know. My world looks so bleak most of the time, it's easy for me to forget that I'm not alone. I feel as though I've given all I have to give, and I feel too guilty to take, so I just stay quiet.

 

I can't do this anymore. Something has to change. I can't continue to exist in misery and despair-- I have to find some way to live. I just have no clue what that is.

 

I try to find things to look forward to, but they're few and far between. If I had the money and no responsibility, I would throw some things in the car and just drive-- see the country, maybe get some perspective and a place to start over. But that's not possible, so I have to do it here, somehow.

 

I keep thinking of that Dixie Chicks song-- "She needs wide-open spaces, room to make a big mistake, she needs new places... "

 

I can't be this anymore. I'm killing myself by degrees. There must be something more. MUST be. I just don't know where else to look.

[Jen]

I think... I honestly think... I'm just done. No more, please.

[LTSLforever]

Jen - I can relate to that pain.  I can relate to I can't do this anymore.  Those words frequently come out of my mouth.  The last few days I have been so low and I see no way out of the pain. I have a therapist who really cares and has told me to call him if I need him.  However, I can't even make that phone call.  The pain/depression causes me to isolate and I don't feel comfortable bothering my therapist when it is not my time.  Of course, he told me it is fine to call him. Do I call him during those super lows - NO.  When we feel we can't do this anymore, we need to remember that not every day/hour/minute will be this bad.  I am not working and I don't have kids (except for 2 wonderful feline children - they give me a reason to live) but I am still overwhelmed by the pain.  I am wishing us both and everybody on this board some light in the future.

[Jen]

I do try to tell myself, in the lowest moments, that it will pass. And it does, eventually... I won't go so far as to say as I'm okay today, but I'm better than I was when I posted yesterday. I'm grateful for that, at least.

 

(((HUGS))) Hopefully the light will come, and soon.

[LTSLforever]

I really understand you.  I don't know if I will ever be okay.

 

Just want to let you know that you are wonderful.  Before I registered for the site and began posting, I used to come here and read.  Your words always made an impact on me.  You help me to not feel so alone and that is so important!

[Trying]

Jen you have so many of us in your corner, cheering you on and wishing you peace. I'm glad to hear that today is a little better. Hold onto that and keep searching for things that bring you moments of happiness so you can begin to string those moments together. I have been exploring many alternative treatments to depression with my education and am more open to looking outside the box. If you are open to this I suggest you look outside the traditional medical model to supplement what you are already doing to treat your depression. There is no one single answer that fits everyone but I believe there is an answer for each of us.

 

As always, sending you hugs.

[Joey]

Jen,

 

I've been around here for almost 2 years (also a YWBB transplant). During this time, I often read, but seldom post. But when I saw this thread, I simply could not resist taking a moment to let you know how very "by-my-side" you have been through this whole ordeal, even if you don't even know it.

 

Please include me on the long list of wids who wish to offer a hug and say "thank you".

[Taurus]

I think... I honestly think... I'm just done. No more, please.

Hi Jen,

I've lost count of the number of times in the last 14 months when I've felt exactly the same. Staying awake til early morning because the release of sleep never arrives..falling asleep only to wake up 2 hours later..the cycle repeating night after night. In the daytime I would visit my beloved's grave and just sit there and talk to her..on her birthday in February we visited her with a birthday cake and...on Mother's Day...

 

Night time has always been the most difficult part of the day and still is. But I now just lie in bed and reminisce, reading and re-reading the paperbacks she stacked up on her side of our bedroom which has remained unchanged since she was hospitalised. I just cannot bring myself to change anything..the pain, the emptiness, at times the hatred against the injustice of it all...in time, maybe. I'm in no hurry..

[Guest April]

Jen,

 

You should take that drive.. it doesn't have to be too far.. nothing heals my soul more then seeing God's beautiful work.. whenever I'm feeling stressed.. or worried.. I pass the time with a long drive... usually to the ocean.. I could just stare at that gorgeous horizon for hours and get lost in thought.. sometimes I just drive to get lost.. to see where the road will take me (I know GPS will bring me back).