Withdrawing from people....

[still_lost]

It's been six years for me since losing DH, and it seems like things aren't getting any easier. I've posted before about not being motivated like I was before. I work in the social work field, and I had to step down from a management position a few months after DH passed. I used to enjoy my work, but it seems like it's becoming more of a struggle to do it everyday. I will keep my job since I have a child to support, but I'm having a really hard time. I'm finding myself withdrawing from people a lot more than I ever did. I can't stand to be around married couples, I still haven't adjusted to the "single" life after all this time, and I'm just not up for social things anymore. I spend a lot of time with my son because he needs me, but I don't know how I can go on like this. I feel like the years of college were wasted, as I don't care much for what I'm doing anymore. I envy those who are able to work from home, and do not have to interact much with people. I would love a job like that. Sorry for rambling, I'm just in a difficult place right now.

[SoVerySad]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I think being in the social work field probably requires you to give a lot of yourself, including emotional support to others in difficult situations. I can see where that could be hard to do when you're feeling emotionally depleted yourself. Do you think that might be part of it?

 

I realized a few months ago that I was really becoming a hermit. I'm making an effort to get out more to connect with others as I am a people person at heart, but it is hard for me to see other couples, too. It makes me so wistful for the relationship I enjoyed with my husband. I still feel married in my heart and head, so approaching outings as a single person is a real challenge for me. It became easier just to stay home. However that really wasn't making me happy being alone all the time either (other than with my teens who as normal teens don't want to spend a ton of time with their mom). It is hard getting adjusted to the many ways losing our spouse impacts our lives.

 

Sending you tight hugs...

 

[Needytoo]

It was a social worker I went to see a few years ago for therapy.  I remember her telling me I need to find my passion.  I had no clue what the hell she was talking about.  Then she went on about how I need to take care of myself first before my children.  She again was speaking some foreign language. 

 

I am not sure what kind of social work you do but I am betting you have heard those words before.

 

To make a long story short, I started doing things to find and found out I do have passion for a few things. 

 

I am still discovering myself but I am so much better.  Currently reading Deeper Dating, so far it has nothing to do about dating buy finding your true self and finding your Core Gifts.  Core Gifts are those things that when you do or feel you get that feeling in your chest. 

That person that use to love her job, she is still there but maybe she has that protective shield up. What would you tell a client to do? 

 

Big hugs to you. 

[Taurus]

..I've posted before about not being motivated like I was before. I work in the social work field, and I had to step down from a management position a few months after DH passed. I used to enjoy my work, but it seems like it's becoming more of a struggle to do it everyday...

 

Sad to hear that, and can identify with your situation. I imagine social work demands so much of yourself, that you were able to provide with DH behind you. Now he's not there, your lack of drive and motivation to continue is understandable..Spending a lot of time with your son may be your escape from people but might be suffocating for him.

 

How viable is it for you to change employment? This may be the new challenge you need to re-energise yourself and start afresh. Friends? New interests? How about taking up a sport both you and your son can enjoy - like golf?

 

Life is for the living and I'm determined to live it even with a heavy heart and seemingly constant emptiness. You too can do it...

 

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

I teach and my students (to say nothing of my own child) suck me dry.  It is both a blessing and a curse; they distract and keep me on my toes and I can deflect my thoughts away from my own feelings and problems and focus on theirs.  But teaching is a big responsibility and it takes a lot of physical and psychic energy and does leave me spent.  I can only imagine social work being still more draining. 

 

In many ways, my world has expanded these past few years as I've shed insecurities and yes, withdrawn from people and had people withdraw from me.  At first, it bothered me enormously.  Back then I was still feeling like everything was my fault and I was failing and flailing on all fronts.  But then I started to like this quieter me.  I began to take myself out on dates to listen to bands or go to dinner or the movies or to a museum (I am, in fact, taking myself on an overnight gig-museum date tomorrow).  I threw myself into my vegetable garden in the summer.  I started to read again voraciously.  I was doing yoga a lot for a while (or my lame version of it).  Life is busy with a 9 year old and an intercontinental, long distance relationship but apart from work and my daughter (who also likes to do her own thing much of the time), I spend a lot of time alone.  It doesn't bother me as it once did.  There are a handful of close friends who I see sometimes and who I know I can call on when I need them.  And there are the old friends, scattered across the globe, who have been the stalwarts who write and call and who rallied around me.  But day to day?  Not so much.  I've come to enjoy the quiet most of the time.  I don't think there is anything wrong in that, really. 

 

I'm not sure what my point is here but I just wanted to say that I get it. 

[Frederick]

I'm three years out and in some ways this has been the worst year yet. I had a few friends early on into widowhood who pretty much took pity on me but I've exhausted their support and now spend most of my days alone. I feel no motivation. Advice about broadening my social circle doesn't really apply when I'm pushing 40 and most people my age are already settled down with a spouse and a job and aren't up to making new friends. Especially when I don't have anything to offer a new friend. I've heard finding hobbies would open me up but I just haven't found anything. It's a vicious cycle and I'll have to crack myself out of it...someday...until then I have no one to blame but myself.

[klim]

frederick..... I have found at 40 there is another group of people emerging that are looking for new friends.. Yes alot of people are established and are over the socializing and seeking friendship, but I have found this is often at about this point in life when devorcees are trying to restablish connections. The divorce rate being what it is there are alot of people out there. Quite often by about 40 or a little older, their kids are more independant and they start to seek something for themselves....new friendships.

 

I go to meetups and my observation is based on what I see there.