Love of my life lost just over a week ago

[Laurat679]

Finally a place where people can understand how I feel! 

 

So about 2 1/2 weeks ago a normal morning turned into a nightmare I am stuck in.  My husband whom I had met at 20, married at 23 and have enjoyed almost 14 years of a perfect fairy tale marriage with headed out to work and came back in the house not feeling well.  He said he felt dizzy, passed out and never regained consciousness. He was in a coma for a week and a half where he was declared to be severely brain damaged with no chance of recovery as he continued to have nonstop seizures. He had an arrhythmia that gave no warning and cut off oxygen that killed his brain.  I was able to donate his kidneys after removing life support.  He basically died twice in my arms...once at our home and once at the hospital.

 

I am every textbook emotion that is possible. I have to move in two months and find a job.  I am so alone!  I've lost my best friend and my love.  How do you go on....how can you be 36 and already have had the best marriage ever and be done with that. No one could ever replace him. I'm so mad at him for leaving me to pick up all these pieces. He paid the bills, he had all the passwords. I feel like I've lost everything while he just laid there and died. I've lost my life, my home, my world, and he just left. 

 

I blame myself everyday for not being faster to try and perform CPR.  I hate that he cant tell me that it wasn't my fault. I feel like I left him to die on the floor waiting for EMS. I blame myself for freaking out instead of reacting.  I had no idea he was having an arrhythmia.....he thought his sugar dropped from not eating breakfast. I'm so angry and sad and hurt and lonely.  I want to run away to somewhere I don't see him.  I want to crawl into a hole and hide till I don't hurt anymore. 

 

I hate hearing he had a higher calling and it was his time....I was his world....he'd said he loved me promised me till 70.  We always said as long as we had each other, that's all we needed.  We were trying to have kids after thinking we couldn't have them....so much unfinished life just ruined..

[Wheelerswife]

Laura,

 

I'm so sorry you lost your wonderful husband.  There is so much in your post that many of us can relate with.  My husband also died from an arrhythmia...in his sleep...and I wasn't even there.  I feel badly that he died alone.  It must be so confusing - all of the emotions that you are feeling.  But remember this:  people do the best they can with the resources that they have.  And...nobody can tell how they will react in a situation until they face it themselves.  If this had happened at work, who is to say a co-worker would have known what to do?  Even those who have training don't always function clearly when the "patient" is someone that is close to them.  You did what you could at the time.

 

It is hard when our lives are disrupted so abruptly.  It won't be easy to pack your things and move...but others have done it.  I imagine you will find that others here who have been in your shoes will chime in when they read your post. 

 

I also cannot relate to the sense that there was any higher calling for my husbands.  They died.  There where physiological problems that led to their deaths.  I was particularly angry that my second husband's life ended when he was in his prime and he had so much left to do in this world.  We had both been widowed before and found great love together, and it lasted less than 4 years.  I'm sorry you did not have enough time with your husband or the chance to have the child(ren) that you wanted. 

 

Right now...just keep drinking water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, and take all of the help that you feel comfortable with.  Let your family and friends help you get through the upcoming move.  Keep coming here to vent and read and find support.  As hard as this is, you are going to get through it.  All of us have succeeded in breathing through every minute of every day, even when we didn't think we could.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Mrskro]

Laura;

 

I am so sorry that you had to find us and for your loss.  I can completely understand, I could have written your post.  My DH also died suddenly, sudden cardiac arrest, it was eventually determined he had myocarditis, at home, while showering getting ready for work.  His heart just stopped.  I did perform CPR and watched him take his last breath.  I complete understand wanting to blame yourself, feeling guilty.  But I was trained in

CPR and emergency situations, that training just kicked in.  And a wonderfully calm, and direct 911 operator, who told me what I had to do, when I told her I couldn't.

 

To this day I still hate hearing that it was his time, he's in a better place etc etc.  His place is here with me.

 

I think Maureen has said everything else, be kind to yourself right now.  Drink lots of water, crying is dehydrating.  Try and eat, that was so hard for me.  Take your time, do what you need to do.  Unfortunately, people won't know what to do for you.  Ask for what you need.  Meals brought in, groceries  etc. 

 

We are here for you.

 

Hugs

Nicole

 

 

[Kater]

Laura, I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband died of a heart attack.  I, with my dad who is a retired firefighter, performed CPR on him until first responders arrived.  They were able to shock him back and while we had him for another 36 hours, ultimately, the damage was too severe for him to recover.  I imagine most (all?) of us here relate to the shoulda, coulda, woulda's.  My husband had an appointment for an angiogram about 2 months before he died.  He cancelled that appointment for work and never followed up for a rebook, despite my nagging.  I finally gave up as things were busy at work and Christmas was upon us.  I decided to let it go for now and that I would call the doctor myself if I had to when we got back from a visit with my family after Christmas.  He had the heart attack on Dec 27 and died Dec 29.  I thought a lot about that cancelled appointment. So many people told me not to think about it; that it didn't matter.  But it did matter.  A lot.  My grandma used to always say that we tend to "what if" only the positive, but there is another side.  And I started to think of that more.  As an example, my friends mom at 65 years old had a procedure to fix a blockage, had a stroke during and is now in long term care, not really living, and wanting to die.  It is awful for her and all her family.  So we don't really know what the outcome would have been had we done that thing or things we wished we had.  And had I known the severity of his condition, I would have acted differently when he cancelled the appointment.  But I didn't know, nor did he.  And so we did the best we could at the time with the information we had. That said, I know that I needed time to work all that out in my own mind.  But please know that it was not, in any way, your fault.  The human body can be incredibly resilient but also fragile.  We never know why our loved ones were taken from us as they were, but I do believe some things are just going to happen.  No higher calling or purpose - just shit happens.

 

This whole process is awful, and I wish there was a way we could ease the pain and the process for all of us.  But from what I can tell from doing it for about 6 months it is often just about finding a way to get through the awful moments, appreciating the lighter moments, and having patience.  I have faith that this will get better.  It has already.  While it is not easy, and it may never be, it is less difficult than it was 4 or 5 months ago. 

 

There is much wisdom, compassion and understanding in this community.  It has been extremely helpful for me, particularly when I struggled though the more difficult times.  There is much comfort in knowing people get it and really do understand what you are feeling.

 

Sending you peace and love,

 

Kate