Not the Same Holiday Anymore

[Guaruj]

Today is July 4th. I don't call it "The Fourth of July" anymore. Most Americans enjoy today as a mid-summer holiday. They go to cook-outs with family and friends, then they watch fireworks after dark. I don't do those things any more, because Catherine died two years ago today.

 

I have been thinking of her all weekend. On Friday, I left work early to meet up with my mother- and sister-in-law. We shopped for flowers to plant on Catherine's grave. I planted those flowers with my parents on Saturday. Sunday was the only day I did any real socializing. I skated with the club in the morning, then skated again that afternoon with an old friend whom I don't get to see very often. We then went to a bar, drank and ate dinner. I explained to him that many widowed people find these anniversaries difficult to endure.

 

Today I met my mother-in-law for lunch after visiting Catherine's grave. We do this on three anniversaries: Catherine's birthday, our wedding anniversary and July 4th (formerly known as "The Fourth of July"). We met at the Italian restaurant near where she lives. I considered ordering a brick-oven pizza with olives and capers, but then I remembered how much Catherine hated capers. I ordered a Margherita pizza instead. I went home and did chores after that.

 

My parents asked me if I'm watching the fireworks tonight. I told them I wouldn't, even though they will be broadcast on television. I'm just not interested.

 

I don't feel that Catherine's death "spoiled" this holiday for me. Frankly, I'm glad to know I can spend this day remembering her without any interference from work or other day-to-day responsibilities. I know I won't be going to work on this day, and I know that I have will very limited opportunities to do any personal business. If Catherine were still alive, I'd be spending today with her. I'm doing my best to at least spend it with her in mind.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Taurus]

My beloved's birthday is 6th February which is a public holiday in NZ. We'll continue to celebrate her birthday as if she were still with us, until I join her.

[BrokenHeart2]

I hear you G. It's just not the same and so weird to do.  I pray one day we find a way to celebrate again,  time will tell.

Big giant hug to you.

[SoVerySad]

Sending you a tight hug, Mark. You always speak so beautifully about the ways you remember your Catherine.

[donswife]

it seemed as if you had Catherine in your heart all weekend

I hope that helped a little bit with these days that can be so difficult

take care

 

[Trying]

I love the way you look at the holiday as a day to remember your DW without the distractions of a regular work day. These anniversary days are hard and sometimes I think it's better to just lean into it and allow yourself to remember and to experience all that you are feeling. Tight hugs to you.

[Catnip]

You are correct. The holiday is not spoiled, but it will never, ever be the same again.

 

My husband died the week before Christmas. I still have a hard time getting my head around the fact that Christmas is the birth of Christ not the death of my husband. It's so hard to see the rest of the world enjoying the Christmas festivities, parties, songs, shopping, cooking, wrapping, and I'm just not into it. And I should be. If Christmas can't make me happy, what else would ever pull me out of my grieving? Not only do I get mad at my husband for dying, I'm mad at him for dying then.

 

In summary: death sucks.

 

Peace to you,

~Catnip