Time warp

[hikermom]

So July 4th is the anniversary of the last month I had with my husband before he died. As always, this process (grief? loss? memory?) never ceases to surprise me. When I think I've got something figured out, something new comes along to teach me that I will forever be learning.

 

It is now at a point that I really dislike July 4. Fireworks and celebrations don't jive with the reality of the unasked-for flood of memories. All those things we did in the month before he unexpectedly died - celebrations, vacations, concerts, quiet evenings on the deck - you name it and they arise unbidden in my mind.

 

July 4 is a marker of remaining time left. Even now, four years later. Damn Facebook memories don't help. They pop up and bring me right back to what we were doing in that month that we didn't know was our last. My mind races with the shoulda', coulda' woulda' thoughts that I'm generally fairly good at squelching other times of the year. I feel fragile and scarred and scared for this month leading up to the actual death anniversary.

 

When will these markers cease to have power over me? I assume it is when I stop allowing them to have power but that skill still eludes me.

[MrsDan]

I understand. For me, the marker is DD's birthday. She'll be four in two weeks, then in less than three months he'll be gone four years. For me, those "I can't believe she's already (insert age)" is inextricably tied to "I can't believe he's been gone (insert time)." Plus, those last few months of his life, which were also the first few months of hers, were very hard. Plus our anniversary is two days before her birthday. The interconnectedness of it all makes for a lot of mind fuckery and tears. I can imagine all the hallmarks of summer festivities have a similar effect on you.

[canadiangirl]

I get it.  And I hate those FB memories! they do put me back in time and looking back always hurts. I can't even look at them, which is sad (and also a mindfuckery), because many are of our small one, but it was such a fraught time.  I was speaking to another young widow recently, and we were reflecting that even when we don't mark actual dates, the body remembers. I truly believe this--I feel again that anxiety, that stress. I hope we do cease to be in the grip of those markers some day.  Our own wedding anniversary is in a few days, and it still takes my breath away that I will forever be the only one to care about it or mark it. Courage and hugs for the month ahead, hikermom. 

 

 

[Guest TooSoon]

(( Hikermom)) I get it, too. For me it comes with the first signs of spring each year which coincides with the diagnosis (aka the end of life as we knew it). I'm not grieving any longer and haven't been for a long time but something kicked in again this year when spring sprung. I suspect it always will but softening over time like so many other things. Sending you love. Xoxo

[Needytoo]

I am not sure when those triggers will stop hikermom. I will admit I am finding less of them but they are still there. 

 

A few weeks ago my sister posted on of those memory posts on facebook.  It was a picture of her on my couch with my golden retriever flopped over her lap.  She got so many "likes" for that picture and all I could think was that was the day we buried my husband remains.  I wonder if she even thought about that when she posted the picture.

[Trying]

I understand this completely.  For me, it's May.  He was diagnosed a week before our 20th anniversary, started chemo on our anniversary, and our annual Memorial Day party was everyone coming together with love and support and hope for DH when we still had some hope.  It was the beginning of the end, he was gone in September.

[SemperFidelis]

4 July is a hard time for me too. I lost my husband on 1 July 2015. And I will never forget an insensitive "happy 4th of July" text I got from a then friend, on that 4th..... What the f*ck did she think I had to be happy about or to celebrate? And why the check would I want her her tacky holiday family photo THEN? The holiday for me is just a reminder of the death and also of the selfish nature of people.

 

 

[maddalena]

i hear you. July is not a good month anymore. He died in July. I remember that July when the flowers were blooming and fruit trees were bearing fruit. And it just seemed so pointless. There's a stain on this month now.