Loss of a new partner - depths of grief again

[TornApart]

Hi all,

 

I haven't been in touch since the YWBB closed, but I found myself searching for another widow's forum a few days ago and found you all again. I hope you are all ok. Seeing some of the names is like seeing old friends again, who supported me and understood me when I was at my worst. I am hoping for some advice again.

 

It has been 3.5 years since my husband passed away unexpectedly after 10 years together (I was in my early 30s). 18 months after it all happened, I realised that I couldn't keep going, I was going to break down if I didn't take a break and learn how to grieve. To be in it, to be present and not keep it all locked away where it couldn't dissipate. During a 3 month break, I did a few things I regret, but was at least experimenting with the idea of living again. I met a man and almost instantly fell in love. He had recently come out of a bad (second) marriage and he was recovering from a serious suicide attempt six months previously. I think the pain and grief in me recognised the pain and grief in him. And because I felt that I had healed so much, I thought it was possible for him too.

 

Seven months after we met, I supported him through a hideous custody battle. It came out that he had attempted suicide three or more times and struggled with depression for more than 2 decades. The court decided to restrict access to his son, the light of his life, for two years while he got treatment. He could call him but see him only in supervised situations. However, the supervising agency after a year of waiting said that they didn't have the resources to fit him in, even after taking money from him for initial 'intake' interviews. His ex-wife did not care and refused to make any other arrangements for her son to see his dad, even though the little boy was so terribly distressed and missed us.

 

I stood by him. The grief was terrible to behold, and it felt like it was unrelenting. but I want to make it clear that we had so many wonderful moments, and we understood each other, loved each other, enjoyed each other's company, and supported one another. We talked about our future together and marriage. I gave him everything that I could to try and make him happy. When it worked, it was perfect. After a few incidents when he was under the influence of alcohol, he agreed not to drink. But he was struggling without any purpose without his son to take care of. He was studying after being medically discharged from the army due to reconstructed joints. He would have done anything for me. He lived for me, and said he had given up hope on his dreams and goals and just wanted to help me achieve mine. We are only in our late 30s. His 'offer' was just not sustainable or healthy.

 

I realised that even though I loved him, it wasn't going to be enough. His desire to have me at the centre of his life was going to consume me. I couldn't accept it. So after almost 2 years together, I decided to end it. It breaks my heart. Even though I asked whether we could do a transition break-up so I could support him to try and get his life back together and help with the next custody case (he refused), I feel like I abandoned him and I am not sure how he will cope. Last night his first ex-wife contacted me concerned that he was considering suicide again, and some of the messages that he had sent me had me worried too. I called the police. They checked on him and said he was fine.

 

The grief monster has me in its grips again. I cry so hard that I hyperventilate and want to throw up. Back to not eating, barely wanting to get out of bed and dressed. I actually want him to be here to hold me and comfort me to take away my pain and I want to take away his pain. Before my husband, I had never had a serious relationship. I don't know if break ups are meant to be this hard. Is it opening the original grief wound again? Or is this normal? I know the depression and possibility of suicide are complications that make it worse. It is possible / likely that he will attempt self-harm again.

 

I have organised to see my psychologist and another counsellor. I am taking anti-anxiety medication. What else do I do? Advice?

[Trying]

TornApart I am glad you found us here.  The break up sounds like it was the right thing to do for you and I'm sorry that it is complicated by his depression and your feelings of being responsible for him.  It's very good that you are going for counseling because you need to hear that you can not be responsible for someone else's happiness and mental health, you can not save him from the disease of depression.  I hope he continues to get help for himself and to find more purpose in his life. 

 

Sending you tight hugs as you grieve the loss of this relationship.

 

[Captains wife]

First of all, I'm sorry for everything you are going through. You were re-coupling and in a very very tough situation for you emotionally. It was good that you recognized that you needed space and decided to move on from a situation that didn't sound very healthy. I have been through 3 break-ups now since becoming a widow 4 years ago - the one in the middle was with someone I was crazy about, had dated almost 2 years but our personalities and lifestyles didn't mesh. I will say that break-up opened new grief wounds for me and it was a tough few months at first - lots of not sleeping, not eating and crying and walking around in a daze, missing him like crazy, feeling the withdrawal. In your situation, it seems more complicated by your exes issues so that would only exacerbate the guilt, grief, loss I would imagine. But hopefully I can offer some advice that will help - seeing a therapist is a very good idea so keep doing that and regularly, please follow the No Contact Rule (90 days at least say the experts) so you can get this person out of your system and give yourself time to grieve and get space/closure, find company in other people and try and get out to keep you mind otherwise occupied, I would go to the gym and either do yoga or crazy cardio and that REALLY helped me, be gentle with your self - if you have days when you want to feel bad and do nothing then do that (I had a few days where I binge watched Netflix in my bathrobe), read self help books (about wrong relationships, break ups etc - let me know if you want title recommendations), eat well and avoid alcohol (take care of yourself)! 

 

Wishing you all the best - none of this is easy.

[MrsDan]

TA, I'm really glad you found us here. To answer your question, I think the circumstances of this particular break-up would be particularly hard, even if your weren't widowed. Your grief makes it even harder, but to break up with someone you love, because you think it is for the best, is so difficult, and incredibly brave. To be honest, I sometimes wonder if that's the approach I should have taken with Dan, if he or I or both would have been better off. But that's neither here nor there, I didn't, couldn't. Have you spoken to someone, a counselor, about strategies for dealing with this? It might help.

[Mizpah]

Oh gosh, hon.  That's so hard.  So much weight on you.  I've found that things I wouldn't expect to hurt as much because of what we went through in widowhood actually hurt much more badly than I thought they would.  Widowhood didn't give me the armor I thought it did.  I give you so much credit for having the bravery to do the right thing despite the pain of it.  My advice is the same as the stuff I'm reading here: no contact will allow you to heal faster and to disentangle from emotional involvement.  Therapy is the best.  Talk about it a lot - to us, to friends, to yourself in journals or emails to yourself, etc. - get it out.  Do things that make you feel good in a simple way, things that don't have any relation to him or memories associated with him, like going for a run or taking a walk after dinner or before going to work or reading books or taking a road trip to sit by a lake or something....  Sunshine and the outdoors help so many things.  I'm so sorry that you have gone through this and are going through it.  Here for you if you ever need to PM someone, and we're all here for you. 

[TornApart]

Thank you all so much. It helps to talk through it all and clarify my own mind. On one hand, I feel like I should be tougher because I survived the death of my husband, but on the other hand I wonder if I am more sensitive. I wondered at times whether I was trying to be the supportive wife that I wish I had been to my husband. Trying to replay and be a better person because I wish I had another chance with my husband, knowing what I know now. So I gave and gave and gave to try and make my partner better. I didn't want to give up. But I know that I did the right thing. I couldn't fill the hole in him. He needs to do that for himself, and I hope that giving him space and letting him fend for himself will give him the strength, confidence and resilience to rebuild himself.

xoxo to you all.

[Needytoo]

Big hugs to you.  Trying to understand ourselves is really hard, I am glad you made an appointment with a therapist.  Hoping it helps.