Things people say without thinking

[Forgottenwife]

So I have to create place cards for a sponsored event. A woman I casually know through work sponsored a table and was wondering out loud how she would like her table to read. She kept going back and forth between 'Mr. and Mrs. SoandSo' or 'Mrs. Jane SoandSo and Mr. Jack SoandSo' and she laughed a little and said 'I'm sure you can understand this!' My heart only skipped a couple beats and I quickly recovered. Really she is very nice and pleasant but why would she assume I can understand her dilemma? My table would say 'Ms. Onelady' because I don't have a partner for these sponsorship opportunities.

 

I'm far enough out that it didn't bother me too much and she has no idea what my personal life is. Just curious that someone would go there. I'd like to think I would not assume that someone is coupled, or heterosexual, or single or anything. Maybe women of a certain age are assumed to have a husband? She's lovely and I know she meant no harm, its just weird. I am becoming more mindful of how I speak to others in my journey now.

[Kater]

It's true.  So many assumptions are made.  You don't notice it as much when you fall into line with it.  Having spent the last 15 years dealing with the surprised reaction when it comes up that I don't have kids, I have been quite aware of these expected norms for some time.

[Taurus]

I hear it a lot, where someone would be commenting or replaying to something I said and they would automatically assume I was married and make reference to "your wife". I don't tell anyone I've lost my wife unless it's germane to the discussion (usually planning dinners, outings, etc). And it's harmless for people who don't know  me to assume I still had my wife...

 

Besides, it's a sure-fire conversation stomper for some poor person who'd just assumed the wife was still alive to be informed she's not :-)

[daysofelijah]

I don't notice much myself. But I do notice for my kids. Nice old people in the store mean well when they ask/say something to my 4 year old, "Oh I be your daddy loves having such a good helper..." It's tough. But I guess how are they to know? 

[SemperFidelis]

Yeah. I kind of cherish those moments when I can pretend he is still alive for some stranger.

 

My husband was disabled, so it would have been a bigggg deal to get him to the hardware store just to get the veterans discount. I would always bring his VA ID and my caregiver ID and explain the situation (as they want the veteran to be present) and they would still give the discount.  Sometimes I still do this....just pop my ring on the other finger and issue the same line. Not so much for the discount but for the fleeting feeling of things being normal again..... Actually now that I write it down, it makes me tear up and feel sorry for myself for being so pathetic.

 

 

 

 

[Tatianakm]

I can assure you, SemperFidelis, it is not pathetic to wish the things could be different.  I also try not to shock people with my loss. I have one lady who always leaves before me and she makes sure to pop her head into the office to say goodbye: "...have a great evening, I hope you and your hubby are having great time with the baby..." or some similar variation, always including "my hubby". I have no courage to correct her and tell her that I lost "the hubby"; this will shock her and probably upset her...I am certain she is genuinely happy for me and wishes the best.  So I just thank her; perhaps one day I can admit, not just yet...makes him still alive, at least for her...and I also do cherish these moments we can still be a complete family, at least for the strangers...

[Taurus]

..... Actually now that I write it down, it makes me tear up and feel sorry for myself for being so pathetic.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself, ever. It's perfectly understandable for all of us in our unenviable situation to experience even for a fleeting moment the loving comfort and sensation of the complete family conveyed by a stranger's kind wishes, even if borne of ignorance.

[Lmsmdm]

I remember being about 2 years out, a co worker who is rarely in the office congratulated me on my nuptuals...I probably looked like a deer in headlights as I said thanks, and ran out of the ladies room. I had gotten used to the head tilt and how are you doing. I wasn't prepared for that. She meant well, and didn't know. It still stung.

[robunknown]

My son (7) was getting his hair cut and she brought up his mom somehow (I can't remember what she said). Before I could think of something to say, his immediate response was, "My mom died". (My jaw was on the floor). Without missing a beat her immediate response was, "Oh, I'm sorry. My mom died too.", and the conversation moved on without skipping a beat.

 

She was tipped extremely well.

[SemperFidelis]

 

She was tipped extremely well.

 

Oh man, this made me smile and laugh!

[Guest jonesandjenn19781979]

I haven't come across anyone yet that has mentioned me being married or with someone, but I did have a woman at work show me her daughter's boyfriend in the hospital recovery room 2 weeks after I buried Clint and then laughed about it him being in the hospital and said "I hope they have better healthcare in California than they do here" after I watched Clint suffer for 4 days in an ER, neglected and she knew the gist of what happened. Then had another employee ask if I was going to see So and So who is in the hospital (the same hospital that let us down with Clint) and then say "oh oops I guess you don't want to go there do you"? I do find that I watch what I say to others more so than I used to. I just find that I think in on a different level than the "normal" person now.

[sdarrah1130]

Not sure if this one falls here but I found it interesting how people don't really pay attention to what we actually say some times.

 

I had been dating NG and fellow wid for about 6 months.  He has 4 beautiful daughters.  I was talking with someone, not sure who......  they asked me about NG and I explained widower with 4 daughters........

Later in the conversation I was asked "so does he have the girls every other weekend?"

 

My retort was "Nope, all the time".....

[SemperFidelis]

I do recall a client one day who was trying to make small talk - she had a video she wanted to tell me about, but had a pre-story question: "are you married?" and this was within the first six months...... I know she meant nothing of it and knew nothing of my situation.....but it really threw me off. I was so caught off guard that my response was a super weird expression with a long pause and "Uhhhhhh, why????" After she left, I went off and cried briefly....I felt silly but I didn't and dont like that now suddenly mundane questions feel loaded and invasive to me.  Oh, the cherry on top was that the story she wanted to tell required that you relate to hating your husband for stupid shit.... So that grated on me too, because I never have hated my husband, dead or alive.