First blended vacation

[Trying]

BF and I have been on a great vacation this week at the shore with his boys (5 and 7)and my youngest son(12) as well as BF's large extended family.  It has gone so well I can hardly believe it.  The 5 of us are having so much fun together, his family has been very welcoming to my son and I, and he has nephews my son's age that have included him like one of their own. 

 

My only weird reaction is that I have all of these new people in my life who don't know DH and my life before.  They know I'm widowed of course but respectfully I don't share DH stories so it almost feels like my only history is from my childhood and since BF and I have been together.  With BF I have been able to include my past with our present pretty easily but I don't know how to do it with his family or if I even should. I have this urge to make them understand that I'm not like a divorced person, that it wasn't my choice, that I loved DH. Why do I care?

 

For those who have recoupled how do you handle things with relatives? Do you ever talk about your DH/DW with them?

[MrsDan]

I do. I try not to do it too much, but he comes up in the context of talking about DD, or my ILs who are still very much a part of my life. I'm also FB friends with N's mom and stepmom, so they see posts about Dan. Although more recently I've been trying to put more of those directly on his page. But I do still post pictures of him. I also tag him whenever I post photos and videos of DD, and N's stepmother told me the other night she thinks that's really great. N's parents and stepparents met Dan's mother, his brother and his family, as well as one of his cousin's when they all came to DD's birthday party a couple weeks ago. N's family all remarked how nice "my" family is, and they were including Dan's family in that. I still refer to Dan as my husband with them, although recently as N and I have gotten more serious I make an effort to say Dan instead.

 

I was a little nervous about it at first but they don't seem to be bothered by it. N's parents are divorced and his mother is married to a widower, so maybe that makes her more understanding? I try to touch base with N every now and then to see how he's feeling about certain things. I feel like his comfort level is where I should base things.

[daysofelijah]

I do if it's relevant. BF's dad passed away 6 years ago so I have talked with his mom about the aspects of being widowed and a little bit about how things went with my dh. She's funny though, has no problem asking personal questions. The first time BF brought me over to meet her one of the first questions she asked was if I plan on having anymore kids, lol. (NO, I have 4, BF has two, I'm 40...) She had good responses to all of the reasons why, I think she wants another grandchild. BF must not have told her he had a vasectomy, LOL!

 

Sometimes I guess I will refer to him more as "the kid's dad" than my late husband. It's hard to always say "late husband" and "x" doesn't fit. So that's a bit weird.

 

That's awesome you had a great vacation together. I'm still hoping to plan one.

[SemperFidelis]

I am glad you posted this, Trying.

 

I am only 9.5 months into my ch2, and my time spent with his family hasn't been extremely frequent.... But frequent enough. I really struggle with what you are talking about. I think you described it perfectly:

 

"........it almost feels like my only history is from my childhood and since BF and I have been together.  With BF I have been able to include my past with our present pretty easily but I don't know how to do it with his family or if I even should. I have this urge to make them understand that I'm not like a divorced person, that it wasn't my choice, that I loved DH."

 

I feel like I am living a double life or something..... Like there's this whole absolutely critical chunk of my life that I am not allowed to talk about.....I feel like I have to pretend it's not real. And then I feel like a deceptive phony, and my heart just rots at that. I feel I have to avoid the natural process of getting to know other people....Like I can't ask any question that could be turned around on me where husband would be part of the answer. Even simple questions are exhausting for me. My BFs mom asked where I get my firewood. Well, truth is my husband hired his brother to get 85% of it. The rest I have harvested. So I am answering her to the 15% which feels like I am lying or concealing something....which of course I am!!

 

I don't even think his family knows I am a widow. He says they don't ask him nosy questions about me. So I am completely grossed out by the idea that they must think I am divorced.... I will ask him if this is still the case.

 

So I guess to answer your questions.... I just stay as non-engaging as possible and answer difficult questions evasively and with non-answers. Or I will just control the convo to keep them talking about themselves so they forget to ask anything about me......I take on the role of Johnny Carson or David Letterman and just keep all the focus on them. Ever see the Seinfeld where Kramer gets a hold of the old merv Griffith set and puts it in his apartment? Something like that, lol.

[Bunny]

Last year I went on a family vacation to celebrate bf's parent's 65th wedding anniversary. I had a great time and all were very welcoming. They do know I'm widowed and though I didn't go out of my way to bring him up, I also didn't have a problem casually mentioning him if it was part of the flow of conversation. It's 17 years of my life and it feels too weird trying to pretend that part is forgotten or doesn't matter...but I have tried to make an effort to tell stories using 'I' instead of 'we'.

 

Bf's mother has Alzheimer's so asked me at family dinners more than once if I've ever been married or how I met her son. Both his grandmothers married old sweethearts after becoming widowed (in their 80s), so I joked with them that their son, who I dated in college,  is just keeping with family tradition...for me, not letting it be the elephant in the room makes things less awkward.

 

We socialize a lot with his friends and I'm very open about being a widow, because I've always pretty much been an open book (a small handful were also friends with my husband - which is another level of weirdness). It is strange to be around people who never knew me as a wife- that this new person is all they know. But, in some ways, that can be easier for me.

 

I've also found that, by being so open and comfortable talking about my dead husband, it gives others the opportunity to talk about the dead people in their own lives- that perhaps they have no other place to really talk about them, since our society can be so reticent on the subject of death. I've had some really lovely and bonding conversations with people this way. Conversely, if I sense any discomfort in the subject, I also know how to move things right along by asking a question about them, thus steering things away from 'forbidden territory'.

 

You ask 'why do I care?'  I don't know- but I ask myself the same question. Why do I want people to know I'm a widow and not just single or divorced?

[SemperFidelis]

Bunny, thanks for your response. I think I will file your words away in my mind. As soon as my ch2's family knows I am a widow, I think the best course of action will to just be relaxed about it and set the tone for the subject myself. I think it will be a lot easier once that initial hurdle is cleared. I am open and comfortable with everyone else in the world, so they will be treated no different.

 

I know that I also need to let go of worrying about hurting ch2's feelings. He's a little rough with the widow stuff at times, and needs to toughen up.

 

I think the reason we care about widow vs divorced is that we weren't quitters. We honored our vows. If there were tough times, we toughed them out and didn't quit. We love our dead spouses, and don't harbor the same animosity that divorce seems to bring.

 

[SemperFidelis]

Okay I asked my bf if his family still doesn't know.

 

He said they still don't know.

 

He continues to say:

"I don't think it's really important that to tell them. It would be like telling someone about someone's past boyfriend or girlfriend."

 

I haven't come up with a more meaningful response to him yet than "Ohhh".

[Bunny]

He continues to say:

"I don't think it's really important that to tell them. It would be like telling someone about someone's past boyfriend or girlfriend."

 

I haven't come up with a more meaningful response to him yet than "Ohhh".

 

That's a tough one...he sounds like he might be a blank slate kinda person- doesn't wanna think about / acknowledge there was anyone before him.

 

Hell, we've even talked about some of my bf's ex-girlfriends with both his family and mine. He's a bachelor in his 50s, there have been quite a few! When we went to Italy last year, I met his girlfriend of 6 years. One of the people we socialize most with is a serious ex-girlfriend of his. She's one of my favorite people. We all - widowed or not- have histories that make us the fabulous people we are today ;D And what's wrong with acknowledging that?

 

SemperFi- I guess you could always just take matters into your own hands and, from here on out, simply stop censoring yourself. Just let slip a casual late husband comment into things...

 

[SemperFidelis]

 

 

That's a tough one...he sounds like he might be a blank slate kinda person- doesn't wanna think about / acknowledge there was anyone before him.

 

Hell, we've even talked about some of my bf's ex-girlfriends with both his family and mine. He's a bachelor in his 50s, there have been quite a few! When we went to Italy last year, I met his girlfriend of 6 years. One of the people we socialize most with is a serious ex-girlfriend of his. She's one of my favorite people. We all - widowed or not- have histories that make us the fabulous people we are today ;D And what's wrong with acknowledging that?

 

SemperFi- I guess you could always just take matters into your own hands and, from here on out, simply stop censoring yourself. Just let slip a casual late husband comment into things...

 

You are incredibly spot on with your assessment of him not wanting to acknowledge anyone before him. Its one of his strangest traits to me and maybe one of the few areas we are really different. I am right with you about our pasts making us who we are today. 110%.

He has even shown discomfort with me visiting with my in-laws.....Like he won't ask how my visit with them was because it feels weird to him to ask. Its odd to me. But he's going to have to get some thicker skin.

 

You are right, that I need to lift my censor.  Next family get together, I'm letting some remarks slide. ;-)

 

I think it's great you are able to get to know such critical people in your guys life. What an asset. I think we learn a bit about other people by the people in their lives.....past and present.

[Trying]

SF I think you brought up some important things and you should not have to hide or forget your past.  If your BF is a bit insecure and doesn't like to think about your past loving relationship you may need to talk to him about the importance of it to you. 

 

Last night was our last vacation night and one of BFs sisters took me aside and told me how happy they all are to welcome me into their family and that I make their brother happy.  She commented on my youngest son fitting in so well and what a sweet boy he is. When I was telling her what a gift BF has been in my life and how patient he has been with my "situation" she said she didn't understand. So I briefly said that dating a widow is not always easy, he has had to be extremely patient with my children, my friends and my in laws getting used to me being with someone other than DH and he has to be a very secure person to understand that I can still love my DH and love him at the same time. She is divorced and remarried and hadn't really given thought to it being different before. 

 

I like Bunny's advice of setting the tone myself and just being comfortable to bring DH is natural ways.  I tend to worry and over think things way too much.  BF has no problem with me talking about DH and that is really all that is important, they will most likely see his comfort level and follow suit.

[Guest TooSoon]

Just wanted to pop in and say how happy I am that your vacation was a big success.  You have more than earned it!  We are just wrapping up our second family vacation with our daughters - this time a road trip out west - and its been great, if trying on a few occasions but hey, that would be true of any family, no matter the dynamics. 

 

When we went to England at Christmas, adp's brother's wife (we were staying at their house over New Years), simply did not like me.  Nothing I could do could change her mind and I have no idea what the genesis of her hostility was or is but I can't worry about it.  It is likely that I will see her once or maybe twice a year so I'm just steeling myself to it and concentrating on the good and on the things within my control.  She has never had children or lost a spouse so I can't expect her really to understand. 

 

Anyway, was just so happy to read your initial post while on the road and wanted to let you know it made me smile.  xo