I don't want to go back

[MrsDan]

I'm sitting here waiting for DD while she's in grief group. I wanted to make sure she got support after losing her grandfather, and I was concerned it might raise some issues or questions about her dad. They took her to anotherroom, and since she seems okay with it, I wanted to let her have that space. There's a widow group next door. They are new widows. I thought I might join them, but honestly? I can't go there. Hearing them talk, about missing his smell, about never imagining it being any better, it takes me back there. And it's not that I don't feel those things. It's just that they're too much for me. I can't sit in them. I can't unpack all that again. It's not that I don't grieve. I cried just this morning on the way to work. But it's something different than it was and I have to live with what it is and it still sucks. I just don't want to hang out with what it was. I don't know if that makes sense.

[tybec]

I get it.  Took a break from the board as I couldn't read about it all the time. I have a widow friend I meet with monthly, 2 yrs out. I can provide her an ear, support. Can't read the short time threads or go to hospitals easily, still.  Understand, and it is okay.  We get to choose when we can, so I do. Too many situations with no choice.

[Guest TooSoon]

I get it, too.  We went to a brain tumor/brain cancer support group here and became friends with some of the people.  Every month I get the email about the meeting and every month I decline.  I just do not think it would be productive to relive that trauma, to look into the face of another woman who is going to go down the road we went down.  I've felt selfish about it and guilty but I'm not there yet and may never be.  And that's ok. 

[Trying]

I think it makes perfect sense.  While we may not be in that intense raw grief, the memory of it can come back in an instant.  I think of it like a wound healing, the early phases of healing there is a scab and it can easily be opened back up and bring you right back to raw and bleeding.  Over time scar tissue starts to build and it takes more and more to open it back up.  Eventually I hope we all reach the phase of a good strong scar, a daily reminder but much less fragile.  If your instinct is that the scar is still fragile then you are right to protect it. 

[MrsDan]

Thanks all. For me, the board is different. I can stop reading anytime it's too much; in group, I can't just walk out of the room. Plus, I "know" people here. It also occurred to me that it might not help them to see someone who's four years out and still struggling. There's a lot of good in my life, but there is grief that never goes away. And that might be overwhelming to a newer widow.

[Rayspumpkin]

Thanks all. For me, the board is different. I can stop reading anytime it's too much; in group, I can't just walk out of the room. Plus, I "know" people here. It also occurred to me that it might not help them to see someone who's four years out and still struggling. There's a lot of good in my life, but there is grief that never goes away. And that might be overwhelming to a newer widow.

 

^^^^Yep!!! I get it...just lost a friend in yet another tragic freak accident, I want to help her fiance as much as I possibly can...but how can I help him when I'm almost 4 years out & I still need help??? I totally get it!! I've had a rough week of intense raw grief...my scar is bleeding...how can I offer any advice on how to help heal someone elses???

[Catnip]

Thank you Mrs Dan for posting this.

 

For me, it's been 9+ years and I'm still here! Still! Will I ever graduate from this board?

 

The answer is no. My husband is still gone, whether it's been 9 years or 9 days, he's never coming back. Yes, I still think of him every morning getting up and every night going to bed alone, and sometimes during the day. But my mind goes numb and will not allow me to relive those early days. It won't let me hurt me again. And for that I'm thankful.

 

So I'm still here on the board. Thanks for still putting up with me. I still find support here!

~Catnip