Changed relationships or revelation of truths?

[arneal]

I had a reaction to something that happened yesterday and I am hoping a few of you out there can relate.

 

I have been a stepmom for quite some time. My first husband had three children before we met. Because the marriage was abusive, I separated myself from all three of them after he died. I did not want to taint their picture of their father based on what I and my son had experienced with him.

 

Fast forward to my second marriage -- my second husband had a daughter and I had a son; we used to joke a lot because I always said I couldn't raise a girl, he always said he couldn't raise a boy, and here we were with one of each. He and his daughter's mom got divorced so she felt like she had two moms. I didn't mind that and never tried to replace her 'real' mom, who at first did not like me much. Not sure she does now that our former husband is dead, but she says she loves me ... guess people do grow on each other after 16 years  ;D

 

Anyway, my stepdaughter called me yesterday (she is 30, by the way) to tell me that she put me down as a job reference. I didn't say anything at first and then she added that she told the potential employer that I had been one of her professors (she had attended the college where her dad and I had worked before moving to California) and said, 'I didn't tell him you were my mom' with a laugh.

 

I let her finish and said that I was a bit concerned that she should start out on a good footing with a new job, and I guessed she used me because it all came together quickly. She got a bit huffy and said the person at her previous job was no longer there, the employer needed another reference ASAP, she didn't have anyone else, and had never used me as a reference before. I told her that I didn't mind but because of my faith walk felt it a bit awkward because of our real relationship. She got upset sounding and said, 'I can call him back and use a friend instead. I didn't think you would have a problem but since you do ...' ... after saying there was no one else to ask. I reinforced that I did not have an issue giving a reference because I know what she is capable of but that there might have been a better and more upfront way to go about it. I changed the subject and the mood lightened.

 

I feel like 16 years of a mothering relationship was discounted in that moment. I am praying that the employer simply does not call me. She said I should have gotten the call yesterday but there hasn't been anything yet.

 

Am I being too sensitive? I welcome your thoughts and thanks in advance!

[Portside]

 

I feel like 16 years of a mothering relationship was discounted in that moment. I am praying that the employer simply does not call me. She said I should have gotten the call yesterday but there hasn't been anything yet.

 

Am I being too sensitive?

 

No, I don't think so.

 

Of course I do not know your SD or the family dynamics involved but in my experience, this happens sometimes with children of all flavors (step/natural/etc.).

 

My 'SD', (not really - my niece by marriage), routinely flies off the handle and bites the hands that feed her. (By way of explanation - my now wife adopted her niece as a very young child since natural mother abandoned her and ran off. Natural father is/was mentally disabled and cannot care for himself, let alone a child). 

 

My wife rescued SD from a life of poverty, neglect and squalor and instead made it possible for her to live a stable, comfortable life with unbounded love and the opportunity for any education she wanted. She had it all due to the hard work and love of my wife.

 

SD has p*ssed away every opportunity offered, and lies, cheats and steals more often than not for no reason. She blames her Aunt (my wife) for every one of her ills and often asks R to play along with her many charades. T's heart is broken but she refuses to lie for her.

 

You can't make someone do the right thing if they don't want to. You can't make someone be respectful or grateful if they don't want to.

 

 

Good luck - Mike

[arneal]

Thanks, Mike and I agree with you. It just makes me so sad that, despite all the instruction her dad tried to give her over the years, she is still in this place.

 

I needed to vent about it I suppose. Now that I've posted here and talked with two of my closest friends, I am about done  I have a cousin who was widowed and had to deal with stepchildren, so I would like to get her take on it as well. I posted a nondescript 'I am disappointed and sad' post on Facebook last night; the guy I am seeing texted me this morning to make sure he hadn't caused the sadness, which was very sweet.

 

My biggest issue with it is that I opened my home to her; she has a desire to come out to California and right after her dad died we talked about it. However, now that she's back in her old groove, I just can't see it. I am praying that she finds what she needs where she is or (and I hate to say it like this) that her plans to come out here just never quite make it to fruition.

[twin_mom]

Being a stepmom is hard to begin with, the death of our spouses changes the dynamic yet again.... And it's really sad to see the work that we put into the sowing not come to fruition(I'm sure they'll be moments like this for me with my natural children, but they're still too young so I only see it with the steps).

 

I don't think your being too sensitive and I hope this job works out so she stays where she is. 

[mmg19]

No you are not too sensitive.  Disappointed is understandable. 

 

It seems to me that ethics and honesty are not values practiced and lived within our present culture. 

[arneal]

twin_mom: my son was about two weeks from turning four when his dad died (my first husband), so my second husband was the only dad he actually knew. He is on the autism spectrum and let me tell you, the teen years were hell. Thankfully in California there are systems in place and he moved out of the house to live in a semi-independent home with some other men. He's still acting up, but wasn't here for the worst of his 'second dad's' illness and death. Praying that your journey is a lot more peaceful!

 

Thank you, all for your encouragement!