Do you tell them?

[whiteirony]

I haven't been on here in quite some time so many of you may not know me. Little back story: My late husband, David, passed 12-30-12, when I was 31 and our kids 5, 3 and 2. I am now remarried to a wonderful man and recently had a baby boy. My other kids are now 9, 7 and 6.  David was an alcoholic and addict. He was on and off again with his sobriety. His last year alive he became addicted to heroin and cocaine. He eventually sought help, got sober but then became ill and died from a lung disease that most likely was caused from his chronic abuse.

 

Our 9 year old daughter is becoming more aware of the effects of alcohol and drugs by learning about them in school and from TV shows/movies. She has recently become aware that her grandpa, David's dad, is an alcoholic and she's noticed how "different" he becomes when he's drinking. So I've had to explain what addiction is. In doing so, she's been asking me if daddy was an alcoholic or if he ever did drugs.

 

I want to be honest with my kids ... when they're older. I want them to be educated on their predisposition to becoming an alcoholic/addict given their genetics. I even saved David's homework from his treatment experiences (he was in treatment 3 times during our 8 year marriage and more so before I knew him). My kids currently view him as their superhero daddy like every little child wants to view their dad and I don't want to be the one to crush that.

 

I've currently told her that daddy has made mistakes like every human does and that I'll go into more detail when she's older. So my question is, how do you navigate telling them the truth? I don't like the answer I gave her so here I am. Anyone else have this experience or any suggestions?

[tybec]

There are lots of resources out there to help.  I found this quickly:

 

  https://www.addiction.com/10294/age-appropriate-ways-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-addiction/

 

Al anon should also have some good suggestions.  Honesty, age appropriate is the best bet. Never easy.  Tough stuff.  Glad you are on top of it all.  Happy for your new life!

[MrsDan]

I'm not sure what I will do.

 

I used to assume I would tell her, because like you I am worried about genetic predisposition. However, I'm not sure any more. I am an adult and know logically that addiction is a disease. Nevertheless, I still feel abandoned. I don't want my daughter to feel that way. A lot of people may tell us we have to do this or that, but I believe I know what's best for my child. I think I would prefer to focus on the man, rather than the disease. And that may very well be what  I tell her. That it doesn't matter how he died, only that he loved her and would be here with her if he could.

[imissdow]

I would tell her with few details. My youngest DD is now 10. Her father spent so time in jail, was a addict before I met him.  She knows this. We have talked about him making poor choices and how I hope she won't do the same. We have also talked about how much it messed up his life and how much he regretted his choices and how hard it was for him to change.

I once asked a therpist why kids repeat their parents mistakes/ poor choices even as the parent has moved past it. She told me it was because it was never spoken about. I have no idea if this is true. However I have tried to be as honest as possible and still honor him as the great guy he was.