How do you make yourself "care" about anything?

[mbanyard]

Hello All,

 

I am so confused by this all. I'm 11 weeks, today actually, into this hellish existence and I just feel like I'm going through the motions...I'm existing, but not living. I don't truly care about anything...why bother caring, if people are just going to be taken anyway with no rhyme nor reason, and exactly right at the point where you've both started to feel so completely attuned an in sync.

 

Even my husband's parents are at a place where they are taking about leaving to "fly south" this winter. (All I could think was "how can you even consider anything of the sort when HE IS NOT HERE)

 

I am trying so very hard to just put one foot in front of the other, and get the tasks I needed to do completed. It worked really well for the first 8 weeks....mind you I could barely eat or sleep the first 8 weeks.

 

I am now able to hold food down, and can sleep without waking up screaming every night, but I  am also in a dark place where I don't want to leave my house....I just want to curl up in bed and just never leave it again. I cry every single day, sometimes so hard that it makes me ill.

 

Should I not be finding that strength that every keeps telling me I have?

 

The truth is that I still, even after 11 weeks, feel like I just spoke to him and I have called out for him twice this week.  This is my worse nightmare brought to life and I truly cannot see my way out....though I do a good job of "appearing fine" at work and in public, since it is what is "expected" of me.

 

I still find myself wishing that I could have changed places with him.  He was so well liked and had so much to give to the world.  People needed him.  Me? People don't even see me.  Before this  I  was  ignored because he was such a bright light, now  I am ignored because I either remind  people of the bright light which was extinguished, or because they don't want to have to try to speak to me and experience my pain.

 

I am just lost and don't know how I am ever going to find my way alone.

 

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Awe  mbanyard, I'm hearing you.  I felt just like you do. You are so early in this horride time.  Be gentle with yourself and let all the external shit go.  Yes, how can they all just joyfully go on with their lives when ours have been literally blown apart.  I get that!  I too felt the same way.  At 3.5 yrs out I chose not to try to explain it to anyone that has not experienced what we have and are going through.  They seem to always want to explain or try to make it better.  They have no fucking idea until they go through it. 

Gentle hugs to you. Peace be with you!

 

 

[TornApart]

(((Mbanyard)))

I could have written your post myself at 11 weeks. Exactly how I felt. My dad even asked why I wasn't 'over it yet'. Just when I had past my period of numbness and shock and was starting to feel and comprehend. I don't think I will ever be 'over it'. I did what was 'expected' of me too. Tried to pretend I wasn't in agony because people couldn't cope with the pain and didn't want to be around it. I felt like I was being punished just when I needed love and compassion the most.

But you will find your way. It takes a long time. I won't lie about that. Don't expect to cope and be strong - don't place expectations or demands on yourself. Just be gentle on yourself and give yourself permission to not be okay for a while. The path is lost for now. It will reveal itself in time. Don't panic.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is terrible. You might not believe this, but eventually you will realise that you are a stronger, better person for enduring this nightmare. One day, one breath at a time.

[Julester3]

We all have high and low days. I am constantly ambushed by things all day long: a song on the radio, passing by a particular restaurant, seeing his car when the garage door opens, a commercial on the radio, anything relating to the Cubs, a can of Diet Coke, or anything he liked. I don't think we won't ever be able to help it. A song that may make me cry on one day, won't have any affect on a different day.

 

All you can do is breathe, take it an hour or a day at a time. We all need to cry now and then. We all have a different way of feeling functional as best as we can but some how we do it, trying to find renewed purpose and sense. Hugs for you today.

[InOverMyHead]

I still find myself wishing that I could have changed places with him.  He was so well liked and had so much to give to the world.  People needed him.

 

I am a year and four months out and I was just thinking about this last night.  The world would be such a better place with him in it instead of me.  He would have been an amazing father (we don't have human children), much better than I will ever be a mother.  I love him.

[mbanyard]

Thank you all for replying.

 

I wont say it's nice to know others feel, or felt, like I do right now. It does bring me some peace to know that I am not alone.

 

It is Thanksgiving Day here in Canada, or the day I will now refer to as "The day all those people who have been ignoring you realize you are all alone and try to overcompensate"

 

It has truly been a  horrid weekend, despite being able to spend some time with his family (which still seem like a club I'm no longer invited to be part of - they all know everything that is going on with each other, but have not shared any of it with me), and with a family we were close to (THAT, was oddly comforting and it seemed that he was there too, as we got lots of signs....the music channel on the tv kept up a steady stream of titles that made sense when you looked at what we were all discussing).

 

I am trying to find my way forward, but I know I am simply stuck in the right now, which is a terrible, lonely place to be.

 

At least I can come here to speak to people who understand. Thank you again.

 

[beth_krkswidow]

Hugs to you

 

At 5 months, I still feel exactly as you do

 

Just stuck, not caring about anything,  wishing I could crawl in the ground with hi

 

So sorry,  and war hugs

[beth_krkswidow]

Warm, not war..sorry

[Maverick86]

 

I still find myself wishing that I could have changed places with him.  He was so well liked and had so much to give to the world.  People needed him.  Me? People don't even see me.  Before this  I  was  ignored because he was such a bright light, now  I am ignored because I either remind  people of the bright light which was extinguished, or because they don't want to have to try to speak to me and experience my pain.

 

I am just lost and don't know how I am ever going to find my way alone.

 

I feel you exactly here. My SO was so not deserving of this. Why couldn't it have been me? He was such a genuinely great guy and I feel like compared to him I don't deserve to still be here. But also selfishly then I wouldn't have to be experiencing this awful nightmare. I laid in bed all day today and my biggest accomplishment was taking out the trash. It felt like I used 100% of my energy doing just that. I never imagined I could feel so many intense emotions at once, constantly, for so long. And it feels like it's never going to end.

[mbanyard]

I hear ya.

 

I have had the first signs of some sort of emotional reprieve this week, though I was totally incapacitation at Canadian Thanksgiving.....I could not get out of my PJ's one day at all.

 

For me it is just trying to get through one hour, one task, one day, one interaction...and all the while telling myself that he would not want me to not be ale to function. I know THAT is true.

 

On a side note, for those who knew about my impressions about how terribly things were going at work for me. My doctor agreed (was horrified actually) and put me on 3 weeks leave. I took the opportunity to use that as my exit cue and am now working on building my artistic activities to the point that  I won't need to take a job like that again...I hope.

 

It is hard to be where we all are. I am thankful for having people to speak to who understand.

 

Thank you,

MB