SemperFidelis Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Good god. I spent yesterday afternoon hiking with my 15 yr old stepson, and since then NG has been acting super weird. Turns out he still views maintaining contact with my stepson to be a sure sign I am "stuck in the past". ****facepalm**** Give me a break. He got a nice ear-full, or rather text-full, from me about that. It went on though. It is coming out that he isn't happy with how I am with his 7yr old son. The kid is great in my opinion, and is thoroughly delighted by my company every time I see him. He's an easy kid....there are no issues with us getting along. Anyway. NG apparently thinks it is like pulling teeth for me to say hi to the kid. Really? He is 40 and feeling threatened by an afternoon spent with my family? I guess he expected me to disown my stepson after his dad fucking died in front of me???? And now my relations with his own son are inadequate? He's had similar issues when I have spent time with my MIL. I did expect him to get over this crap, but apparently it's not sinking in for him. Bleh. Just blowing off some steam. Thanks for listening. I don't think I really knew what I was getting into when I started dating. This shit is weird. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julester3 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 That is weird. Your stepson and MIL are still components of your life. I think it's ridiculous that this supposedly means you are stuck in the past. Good for you for telling NG like it is. He needs some serious perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 Thanks for the validation, Julester. At least he didn't try to argue about it when i addressed the issues through text earlier. That tells me he knows on some level he's off base. In person tonight I gave him a verbal rendition of the earlier texts so he could get some tone of voice to my words. Again, no argument from him. That seemed to tune him up, because his demeanor returned to normal by the end of the visit. We'll see how it goes next time I visit with my stepson(probably December). It's just insane that this has even been an issue. NG clearly has some issues he needs to work through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Sounds like he either needs a one-dose of reassurance of his (potential) position in your heart, that you are available to him and a future, or these are major red flags and you should run. I think jealousy and insecurity are natural parts of emotional life, but it doesn't seem like he's dealing with them in a healthy way perhaps? Maybe now that you two addressed the issues, things will be smooth and lovely. That's what I hope. It's possible though he's not emotionally mature enough to be with a widow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Weird. Tell him to get over it. Good lord.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 Mizpah, he definitely got a strong dose of reassurance on top of the "get the fuck over it" message.....there shouldn't have been any question of where my heart is at this point anyway. But sometimes no amount of verbal reassurance soothes an insecure soul. I had to remind him that he will someday die too, and if he wants me to abandon his kids and family at that point then I am the wrong woman for him. The very traits he is viewing as a threat should in fact be seen as an asset. It's ironic because one of the main issues he had with an ex of his was that she was behaving jealous of his kids....hmmmm... Also odd because another ex of his (and mother to his son) was also a widow. So this isn't his first widow rodeo. I can only assume she must not have been on good terms with her in-laws or something, making for a more empty slate. I guess he didn't get the memo that all widows are different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 So sorry Semper, but good for you. Tell it like it is. Does he have any idea how many folks don't deal with stepkids at all? My son's friend from high school, who also has special needs, lives in a group home; her mom doesn't contact her at all. The stepdad can't take her behavior. What?! My son is a royal handful but I am in touch with his caregiver (he is in a semi-independent living house) and we are in contact as well. He's 21 and learning how to be his own person and I know I didn't talk to my parents much if at all at that age Anyway, I take her calls as much as I can because it burns me that her mom essentially disowned her because of this man. The fact that your NG's son enjoys your time with him says that obviously you are doing what you need to do to build a relationship! Having been a stepmom in both marriages, this sort of thing drives me batty. Had to vent on your vent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 25, 2016 Author Share Posted October 25, 2016 Arneal, what a sad situation with your son's friend. Good for you for taking her calls...glad you are stepping up to the plate where others are bailkng. It does amaze me what influence a new partner can have on a parent..... My BIL basically never sees his son due to gf's jealousy issues with the kid....I always chalked it up to him being overall pretty dim. Guess it must happen more often than I realize. The fact that your NG's son enjoys your time with him says that obviously you are doing what you need to do to build a relationship! That's exactly what I told NG....I don't see any signs that there are problems. I take my cues off the kid, and they're all good. For that I am very thankful. I think NG's weird insecurity had him scrutinizing every little thing looking for problems where there aren't any. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Might he be jealous of the time you spend with anyone other than him, Semper? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 26, 2016 Author Share Posted October 26, 2016 Might he be jealous of the time you spend with anyone other than him, Semper? Interesting suggestion. Hadn't really considered it, since I don't spend time with anyone other than him, and only once every few months with the in-laws when they visit (my own immediate family is out of state)....so I don't have much comparison. I've always had my social/friendship needs met via my significant other and at work. So this kinda makes me want to run an experiment sometime and see how he reacts if I spend time with a neutral individual. Now......how to find said individual.....lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arneal Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Yes! Even if it's just doing things without him ... You gotta have your own space sometime and better to know now that he won't be weird about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted October 26, 2016 Author Share Posted October 26, 2016 Yes! Even if it's just doing things without him ... You gotta have your own space sometime and better to know now that he won't be weird about it. We live apart and have pretty conflicting work schedules. So we definitely aren't anywhere near glued at the hip, lol. No issues doing stuff independently. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 Oh, for heaven's sake It would be the height of superficiality to dump everyone you know every time you enter a new relationship. The late husband remained fond of his first father-in-law after his divorce. LH was devastated when Smitty was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor, and called him from time to time, just to keep in touch. Smitty was gracious and friendly when we visited him during his illness. He doesn't like that you stay in contact with a child you helped raise? Would he feel better if you *could* turn your feelings for people off and on like a faucet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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