Gains and Losses

[SemperFidelis]

As I am well into the next chapter of life...I find myself in a strange state. Two opposites seem to co-exist with one another. I am sad for the friend that I lost, but so very thankful for the lessons I learned from him and the ways I grew while with him. It was a hell of a ride I am better for.  But I am thankful for the experiences I am having, which I can only have without him.

 

He was mentally ill and knew it....and he knew he could never be the man he thought I might have deserved. Of course I knew nothing different, so I loved him without the comparison of anything else. I had NO sense of lacking, even though I now know I was lacking A LOT.

 

Now that I am with someone not mentally ill, I am so thankful for the wild things I am experiencing with him. I felt from the first week that LH had sent NG....I don't literally believe that, but that is the feeling I experience nonetheless.

Fast forward a year with NG and I do still feel that what I have with him is a gift from LH.  LH ended his life, his own chronic suffering. And in the process he gave me the gift of an opportunity to experience love in a radically different capacity than I could have ever had with him. And it's a gift I never wanted, and a gift I have accepted not without kicking and screaming and utmost cynicism....and outright rejection at times.

 

But LH did want me to be happy(i was already happy with him), and I guess somehow he knew I would be ok in the end.....he knew what and who he could not be. I know if he's a witness to me now, he's happy. And yes, I can tell him I'm okay and everything is okay for me....just like he said it would be, but I had vehemently denied.

 

Anyway..... I had just flipped through photos and looked at that face I knew so intimately. That face that I miss seeing. And I have managed to cry. Who knew sadness and longing could live so closely to such thankfulness for what I have because of or in spite of the loss? It seems sick and fucked up in some way but I do know it is what he wanted.

His mother and his brother and his son.... They will experience no gains with this loss. I feel some weird version of survivor guilt...guilty for my gains because I know they won't have any.

 

 

[klim]

I get it.....I have had some experiences that I would never have  if he were alive. Some of those experiences have been so  very cool....I would have missed out on them, mind you I would not have known I was missing out on them,    Thankful to have had hem but obviously not thankful he died. That is a very strange coexisting thought!

[SemperFidelis]

I get it.....I have had some experiences that I would never have  if he were alive. Some of those experiences have been so  very cool....I would have missed out on them, mind you I would not have known I was missing out on them,    Thankful to have had hem but obviously not thankful he died. That is a very strange coexisting thought!

 

Yes, exactly. You totally got what I was saying.

[sdarrah1130]

I totally get it.....

 

I have the opportunity to become a mom......  A step mom but still a mom.

 

 

 

 

[TornApart]

Thank you for your post. So true. I find it difficult to explain to other people that haven't gone through this.

[MrsDan]

I know what you mean. I love my boyfriend so very much, and I still miss Dan. Dan's addiction caused a lot of heartache, and in many ways my boyfriend and I are more compatible. I still miss Dan. It's a very weird sensation.

[twin_mom]

I get it too. I miss him and love him and wish he was here... But I love the life I'm building now, doing things I would never do if he was still here.

[SemperFidelis]

Thanks for the replies. Glad to know I'm not the only one with a foot stuck in each world.