My first trigger moment

[SailOn]

I just had my first trigger moment and I'm having a tough time holding it together. There isn't anyone to talk to who understands, so I'm here.

 

Her shiva candle went out last night. (for those who don't know, Jews sit shiva for seven days beginning with the funeral. It is a period of intense mourning. We light a large candle that burns for the time.) It was supposed to go out yesterday, I expected it to go out, but it has been a feature in our house since last Thursday. I didn't feel it gave me comfort or anything like that, but it going out just hit me hard.

I didn't expect it. I'm not able to concentrate right now.

 

F*ck!!! I was doing much better.

[MR]

Hugs SailOn, We all have our trigger moments. I am only 3 months but still don't know what small things can trigger moment. So please hold on and keep on moving. Only think one moment at a time. If it helps then please cry as holding back is not going to help either. This board is a good place to talk as someone will reply.  They say time is healer I don't agree as the scar is always going to be left but i can assure that time does help as you learn how to control your emotions.

 

Peace

Manoj

[Julester3]

My husband was Jewish. When that candle goes out, it just reinforces and reminds us how final everything is. It is upsetting. All you can do is give yourself time to mourn this representation and then look for something else to help you cope, hopefully nothing as symbolically final as a burnt out candle. Hugs!

[SailOn]

A friend said you move through, not on. I understand that -- rationally. I expected to break down during the first few days. I felt like I was doing better at getting a handle on the uncontrollable outbursts.

This crushing feeling, the inability to breath, the sudden tears -- that is really hard. I'm not even thinking of her when it hits, or during it. It is really really really hard.

 

Look, I know everyone has gone through it. I'm feeling very alone right now. I think I'm going to go out to lunch -- I need to get out of the house. It's stifling.

[MR]

Yes that's the nature of this grief that some moments you feel so bad that you have to cry and some moments you are thinking about it. Keeping moving forward one step at a time

 

[Wheelerswife]

My first husband was Jewish.  I had not thought about it in a long time, but I recall sitting and watching the flame as it flickered and became more faint - before going out for good.

 

Shiva acknowledges mourning, but please realize that grieving continues long past the first days.  Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve the multiple losses you are experiencing. 

 

Yes, we find a way to move forward.  It starts with small steps, such as getting up each day even though we want to stay buried under the covers and pretend this new life isn't real.  Sometimes, we break down and all we can do is cry.  Others find that the best thing they can do is immerse themselves in work or children or a new project.  For me, it was school.  Each day in the first few months, I had one class on campus.  I had to prepare for just one thing every day.  I also traveled when I could during school breaks so that I didn't have to face my lonely house. Travel is my drug of choice.

 

For now...feel what you feel.  Get out and get some fresh air.  Exercise if you are inclined.  It might make you tired enough to sleep.  Most of all...be gentle with yourself.

 

Maureen

[beth_krkswidow]

Yes, unfortunately triggers aboind. I am past 6 months and I have still not said I was doing beyter. At one week I was still catatonic.  SOmetimes I still feel catatonic.

 

I am sorry you had to join us, but you have come to the right place.

 

ONe day, one step at a time. 

 

[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry, SailOn. 

 

I'm at about 5 1/2 years out now and wanted to tell you - in grief, we monitor ourselves so closely, our "progress."  I'll tell you this: I don't remember much from the first four months.  It's a mercy.  The "I was doing so much better" thing is a trap.  I almost want to tell you to embrace your suffering, don't resist it, because if you do, and if you hope/expect to feel better (at least so quickly), you are setting yourself up for something.  I found a lot of comfort as time went on in our mourning rituals.  Shiva makes sense - you are devastated, you sit on the floor, your life has been razed, don't even try to function.  During shloshim you are still in a dark, dark world, and those first 11-12 months....  The year isn't a cutoff - when I said kaddish for the last time that year, I felt exiled yet again, from the comforting influence of our Jewish grief "system."  I don't mean this to be discouraging, but I didn't start to feel like myself again, start to feel alive again, for about two years.  For some it's shorter, and for some it's longer.  I'm thinking of you, and wishing you moments of solace.